this is denial

i would never want to revisit that time ever again. but this time, i relished it. maybe i am using it as an excuse, of not acknowledging the current pain and i am just reminiscing. it is still scary to bear through it. but the thought that the pain at the time was the greatest i have ever pulled through, it supposedly overshadows the actual pain that i am going through right now.

guess i am not making much of a sense.

i see it staring at my face, the same mistake i did, again and again. what broke the chemistry, what destroyed the magic, what swept the longing away. in a way it is something that i could not control — this is just me. if that person wants badly enough, things will be compromised. and yet i have not seen anyone doing it. for me. no one bothered/interested/stomach-ed enough to do it so. haha.

this is when i felt, it is still a long way to go. as much as i believe he’s ever nearer, it’s actually very, very far away. i just can’t get how the cosmic works. i dealt all the cards, pulled every tricks known and played each game. either i’m a fair opponent, a too aggressive member or a not favourable player. but i am never the weak one.

what if this is actually the last test, before the real one comes along? the last before the year ends? would there be any difference in the new coming chapter/year/month?

Advertisements

spotted

it’s a very busy schedule for S daily even though she looks like she is not doing anything at all.

then again, ‘busy’ is an understatement. more to hectic.

in work, in personal life, in family and last but never the least — in cats.

are things beginning to prosper?
one can never tell — not even yours truly.

rumour has it S is in a relationship. but where art thou is the beau?

you really have to be careful of what you wish for. you want a husband, you will get it, along with other things that you do not want that comes with this package called ‘husband’. in a way, i find that my life has not changed 360 degrees, not even a full ten degrees to begin with. it’s not even a matter of too-early-to-say when things have been fast forwarded already, but it does remained to be materialized.

well… good luck, S.

just for the heck of lipsticks and such

it’s been awhile i’ve blogged something like this, i want to know how different is the feeling of the aftermath.

am i really officially colder?

oh yea, before we start, there are two things i’ve been hearing from people that i find it hard to believe. things i heard from people, about moi, none other yours truly here.

one — that i am getting prettier. okay, there are a few notable people i thanked too, albeit not to their face, because, well, it’s Suessy Suraya Suhaimi. there’s always a plausible reason she’s a frenemy to certain people — but she doesn’t bite the hands who fed her. rather, they found a new pet, or, treated her like a runner for their errands.

see?

back to imgettingprettier. previously she have heard of people raving about her bestie whose beauty graph chart increased each moment. a person who just gets prettier and prettier. amazing. i could never live up to that.

but apparently, as we speak, people commented that i am. despite still being dentally challenged.

thank you.

second — get this: i lost weight. lost? seriously? especially after the fasting month. seriously? i still feel bloated, huge and wide. but they say i sooo am.

if that is true, then, OhMG, i must’ve been way bigger and huge-r than now.

nevertheless, thank you.

now back to business.

+ in the voice of a la Gossip Girl +

it takes more than simply being nineteen days ahead to invite a waldorf to your party, especially after what you did to a waldorf. don’t take it for granted that you were once close to her, and then she walked away. for plausible reasons. not that you have done anything to proved otherwise anyway.

despite being alone and trapped in her own depression state of mind and losing a handful of bridesmaids, S is very well booked off throughout the year. to the point she hated for what she was booked for.

a whirlwind of romances and flings and assholisms as the new cult one should always avoid, S is currently seen frolicking around between music notes and leaves of books with a tall, artsy-fartsy companion.

it is unknown though widely speculated but S does not settled with anyone. she is just having a good year. so far.

therefore —

From the Office of Waldorf’s Household and Resident

Dear Ms J.,

Thank you for your kind invitation to Ms Waldorf for your betrothal on November xx, 2010. We have graciously accepted your personal tele-invitation as informed. Ms Waldorf would like to apologize for not recognizing your number on her new Nokia since her last Sony Ericsson went kaput. Nevertheless, Ms Waldorf is very enthusiastic to be the first one invited via personal cellphone call. In addition, please accept our congratulations from the whole household.

However, we regret to inform that Ms Waldorf will not be able to attend your engagement due to prior arrangementsss, or rather, family duties — with benefits of extended holiday to an isle for a beach trip. Ms Waldorf will be leaving the city for Eid-ul Haj precisely on November 16th, 2010 and will be back on November 23rd, 2010. Ms Waldorf will then be attending her cousin’s wedding which is the same date of your engagement, and which has also been previously blocked since May 20th, 2010.

We would like to highlight that Ms Waldorf will also be enjoying quality reading time while away, hence only emergency calls will be accepted. Ms Waldorf can still be reached via her virtual social networks.
Please request for ID/e-mail address if you do not have hers or have been removed from her list.

Ms Waldorf would like to extend her hearty congratulations to you and your partner on the engagement and wishing both luck through this new chapter and the next. She also wished to include her personal words, “may you both live happily here and hereafter”.

Thank you and we hope that you will have a wonderful occasion on your special day.

***Kindly contact Ms Gatsubi at least six months prior to request for Ms Waldorf blocking her schedule to attend your occasion/event. We will be more than glad to re-arrange for you in case the said date may just as well has already been blocked.

Best regards,

Ms Luesi Penguini Victoria
assistant to Ms Moeli Nanae Gatsubi
assistant to Ms Blair Suessylia Waldorf

c.c. miss moeli nanae gatsubis bb

for the heck of it, okay, read that? chill, aku takkan menyemakkan letter box kau atau bersusah payah handwrite this. aku send text terus —

sorry, can’t make it for your engagement. will be in penang til tuesday. thanks for the invite, have a wonderful day!

hm. best jugak getting back to blogging with the required capital letters. nampak cantik.

so, the word of the day is — cantik.

there. habis lunch time aku blogging. it’s been fun revisiting.

5054 (updated)

S might ruined her life yet again, in the manner of lindsay lohan.

+ + +

how are you?
my birthday’s coming and i’m pretty psyched about it.

what mountainous tasks you’re facing right now?
in short term would be, clearing my work backlog. and rearranged my wardrobe.

what do you plan to purchase next year — apparel-wise?
i need to update my inner wear. a matching bra and knicker set each month. and i need nu ballet flats, pumps, strappy heels and sandals. i will buy one pair each month so that at the end of the next year, i will have a dozen sets of matching inner wears, three pairs of ballet flats, three pairs of pumps, three pairs of strappy heels and three pairs of sandals.

what about investing in expensive handbag and doing facials? any commitment to the gym?
for now, those stuffs… i’ll leave it to the future husband.

people are wondering and asking about you and the rockstar journalist. what’s the story?
the story is… we’re budding friends.

the guy in your (facebook) profile picture?
seriously nobody knows who he is? he’s hafiz hatim!

who’s the future husband?
on the way, i think. or maybe it’s me who have yet to make it halfway. maybe he is the one waiting and i’m still figuring out how to read the map.

what’s the story with your girlfriends?
i don’t know. i think i was harsh. i was a pure bitch. i feel like staying away from everyone. not running away, just shrinking away. but if anyone passed by, smiles, says ‘hi’, i will returned it all. maybe not to certain people, for now i hate to do confrontations because i feel that it’s wasting my time. this is supposedly immature because it simply means that i am not looking at both sides and sulking away, obviously. but i just hate people right now. i lost it (faith, trust) in men, i lost it in girls too. i feel like, i don’t have friends. well, they are around but for now, i completely understand that i’m not being a good friend to them anyway, so… serves me right for being where i am right now if you can ever get what i mean. i’m just too tired. i think everyone’s tired too due to other obligations. but there are some sensitive topics you have to take care of right away. for instance, money. it’s a very sensitive subject that you need to address to promptly. even between flesh and blood you can go kill each other, what more between friends. so, when you feel like you had to arm-twist your friend to pay you back, and your friend said, “it’s just freakin’ 80 bucks!”. well, 80 bucks means the world to me, if its not much then pay me now. i hate to think of my friend this way, it’s not about the amount, it’s how your friend takes care of you the way you took care of your friend. and your friend have not so much text to inform when he’s gonna pay or what, like nothing, like your friend have no qualms about it at all.

so how many bridesmaids are you looking at right now?
(laughs) i used to have eight. i feel like they’re all the perfect combination. i severed ties with three of them already. one is in rekindling process. two is in the process of the-moment-of-truth, and one is, well, we’re getting tired of each other, i think. then again, by the time i get to get married, perhaps there’s none left because everyone’s already married too.

if there’s one who can write a short description in remembering you, who would you want to do it?
casperoha. i read KLUE’s 2010 annual 20 under 40 list and found them boring. most of them wrote in all high praises, it’s boring. there’s not much of a intriguing info for me to find out more about who is listed because the write up is too boring. this is what happened when it’s your bestie writing about you. casperoha is my bestie, but she delivers cold hard truth, to the point that i am always mentally prepared first before hearing to what she’s gonna say because truth always hurts, what more the cold hard ones. and she will always come up with a word i never thought would described me, but it kinda does, because she sees in me every angles and evaluate it against reality before she delivers her opinion. no one weights reality more than just-the-nice-things-your-friends-wanted-to-hear than casperoha. so yeah, i’d want her to write about me, and include the word ‘tenacious’ because that is the word i never thought would described me — that’s the one word she got to described me.

you really like to play with your hair, don’t you?
yup. it’s not a sure sign i like the guy. i just like my hair. a lot. it plays a vital part when i’m shocked — i would hold both ends and bring it to wrapped around my face. it became a signature act that most girlfriends pointed out to other people who just knew me when i’m doing it in front of them.

current favourite song(s)?
you know how soothing is the piano piece in republik’s hanya ingin kau tahu? i like it very much. and i feel like death’s very near to me or i keep remembering the dead, like, if the dead is still around, things would be… the song for that mood would be bloc party’s signs. i first heard that song from a gossip girl‘s episode on bart bass’ death. and since my birthday is coming around, i’m feeling marie antoinette  (i like new order’s ceremony as well) — in the interpretation by sofia coppola — i’m listening to the radio dept’s i don’t like it like this.

you’re going to be 27. sure still no prospect?
i am full of myself, wishful thinkings and aimless. i have no sure destination. i just know i want to be happy, that is simply enough after what i’ve been through because sometimes i just don’t dare to wish for more because i’m too scared to get hurt. regardless how much i’ve steeled away, i am still easily hurt and it is cast deep so it took some of my time, my energy, my feelings and i feel that those are wasted unnecessarily. the good thing i see from this is, i’m glad that i’m still human, i’m not an ice queen yet. and i’ve met enough guys to prove me right again and again. at the same time, they left me puzzled and perplexed. right until now, whatever the guy said, or mentioned, verbally or written, i’m not taking up on any of it unless he acted out the whole sentence — for a start. it’s a pity that men i’ve met have successfully materialized the phrase “talk is cheap”.
naturally i don’t think there’s anything wrong with me (haha).
… let’s just put it this way — we’re just not for each other. let’s just be neutral about it. ha ha.

i dumped it elsewhere

yesterday was quite a day.
i have (not really) so much to tell, though i was very happy yesterday and then it spiralled downward slowly, but i’d hate to plunge down deeper.
no, this is is not a male issue though it started from there but i hated it when girlfriends bring you down even deeper, so the ending of the day was somewhat shadowed by the fact that you were let down by your own girlfriends. sucks.
i feel like i’m hating people. well, some people. they let you down despite you being supportive and being the better friend. ugh, i dont know. i really have had too much of a good thing. not that i need to slow down or stop abruptly. i just want something different, i think.

+ + +

it’s a very sad day today.

within the circle of friends i’ve known, someone passed away this morning at 1.35 am. with the power of twitter and facebook, the news spread like a wild fire. those who never knew him, Google-d him and came across his blog. he’s a photographer. browsing through his pictures and all, those shots grips you and saddens you, even though you never knew him. reading his tweets on twitter, you came to know what he went through before he passed away and all the sadness he hid beneath it.

i hate this feeling. i dont know this guy but this kind of thing can really grips me. if i am already sad, i imagined his girlfriend, his mum — they’re at the worst end.

this princess stepped on her pumpkin

where are you when i needed you the most?

right now, right now…

i want to feel special

every little need is met and every little demand is entertained.

nothing i speak is the truth now. every little detail is manipulated.

just like you when you are with me.

we are here purely for companion and pleasure.

so i need you right now, right now.

because i want to feel like the princess that you love to spoiled.

and i will not hesitate even for a beat if you asked me again to come away with you.

right now.

that certain misery. i will swapped now for uncertain happiness.

i kinda lost it. or i am lost. in men, in girls. i lost it in both. did i demand so much? perhaps maybe so.

where do happy girls go when they are sad?

they go to their private playground where they took their shoes off and put on their tutus.

it doesn’t take a genius to figure this one out

these days i have became prettier. with a price. that i feel less than the way i used to feel.

i was happier after i find out what i wanted to know. yearning and longing for that feeling to be free. oh, the liberty.

i was not unhappy because i could almost have happiness like this again. i am happy to know that i am becoming closer to have happiness like that again.

all these great lessons. with greater prices. and the greatest emotions experienced. i felt much, much happier despite everything. i just can’t hardly wait to come home.

and i promise you, you will really, really regret it.

ku telah miliki
rasa indahnya perihku
rasa hancurnya harapku
kau lepas cintaku
rasakan abadi
sekalipun kau mengerti
sekalipun kau pahami
berpikirku salah mengertimu

aku hanya ingin kau tahu
besarnya cintaku
tingginya khayalku bersamamu
tuk lalui waktu yg tersisa kini
di setiap hariku
di sisa akhir nafas hidupku

walaupun semua
hanya ada dalam mimpiku
hanya ada dalam khayalku
ku lewati itu

somehow, i find this poignant. utterly.