thank you, 2010. woOOOot!

dearest all, Happy New Year. thank you for making my 2010 a hella fun, bumpy ride in both tears and laughters (and shouts and hugs along the way) — your thoughtful thoughts, your forgiveness, your prayers, your just-being-there, your generosity and your ever constant patience in so many ways unthinkable, mind-blowing and … woOOOot! have a good one and another great year ahead. have a blast and be safe! xxx.

this is my last post for this blog.

thank you to each and every one of you for those 29k visits since March 2008.

if you would like to know where i am, just Google moi. haha!

LOVE.

for the new friends I made

for the friends who stuck with me through thick and thin

for the bitches that backstabbed me

for the people who just walked out of my life

for the people who broke my heart

for the people who made me happy

most of all… this is for me on still being awesome, and will be awesome in 2011

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dorota: miss blair, are you drunk?

i really am phenomenal when it comes to self-endorphing. play me all the favourite songs, let it seeps in, and i really dance like no one’s watching.

those consuming alcohol chugged like… i don’t know, i just see them keep coming. and exactly like that, i keep being endorphed. endlessly. song after song. and when you have a good party with you, you’re firework. and a small party we were, but good things do come in small packages, no?

mula-mula a malu-malu crazy b*tch lea. lepas tu a very, very, very crazy b*tch.

thank you for putting me up that stage. i couldn’t stop laughing at how silly i was then. but it was hella fun.

despite that i broke up with the girls, there are things they said that i still carry around. shoobs knows me that i just needed someone to say hi or smile at me, then only will i actually looked friendly and approachable with the way i responded.

the girls always reminded me to stop appearing rigid and quiet. i am actually this girl who’s interesting and very, very fun to be with. start with a smile. and then just keep smiling.

when i was in the car and being sort of ‘briefed’ … there is no that heavy feeling like i used to have. it has became, its whether i want it or not. i can pull this off, but it goes down only to whether i want it or not. that’s all.

and there was that very important lesson from that movie Yes Man. you only gotta say yes, no matter how automatically often you’d said no before.

then again, without the missing links — fuck it, well just go! — or having that good party, or a strong pair of hands pushing me forward, i wouldn’t really start.

but once i started…

theres the crazy b*tch.

it was a blast.

the office anniversary dinner.

they hardly see this part of me, of course. and when they did, they went —

“are you drunk? you sure you didn’t drink? did you drink when we weren’t watching?”

i was really overwhelmed. i would have stand on my toes and kiss the boss on the cheek as our photo is taken. but i chose to run around the wine rume hugging bridg, mel, and ceel. and they went, “seriously, this is Sue? what happened to you? are you okay?”

and then hugging shoobs. besides everyone else in the rume, she is the biggest mentor, the one yang aku paling banyak menyusahkan, the avid listener and when she’s boisterous, she’s full of it.

i wasn’t drinking, i was just… overwhelmed. even the boss was laughing and laughing when we talked. my guess is that he never thought he’d get this out of me.

it took me some time to discard the overwhelmation and i spaced out a bit and had to asked them to repeat what were they saying about me. -_-“)

good times, though.

totally.

i would like to suggest this —

when you are being paranoid about him cheating on you, you will find yourself that eventually, the one who was cheating… is you.

you can get ahead of the game, but by subconsciously mirroring him as well. when you find yourself that you could just not control the situation, that you are so lifeless you heart hardly beats, just let it be. what’s more important is to save yourself. even though you have been ahead of him — spy works, et cetera — and beat him to it, catching him red-handed, you will still end up exhausting yourself.

and this is when you need you the most. you have no idea just how much you have exhausted yourself. you need all the energy to build back the space of what you know you have already lost — which crumbles you — even though it is not staring you in the face just yet. but we are women, we just know — we have the six hundred sixty-sixth instinct (exaggerate).

it’s a vicious cycle. i know it’s like you could never breathe again, think again, love again, find someone else better. you can’t sleep or you cried yourself to sleep. you could cry while you’re driving. you could cry just in the middle of nothing.

but let it go. it is true that you shouldn’t bitch. you shouldn’t crawl back. you should just move on. you should just let go. but during that period of doing so… i know it’s hard. like there could never be sunshine again.

but there will be.

there will be.

but you have to work hard.

for yourself.

only you.

even if you have the whole army supporting you, it never actually really starts, if it didn’t come from you first.

first.

though some people still deserve it… and it’s utterly delicious to carry it out. haha.

spotted

it’s a very busy schedule for S daily even though she looks like she is not doing anything at all.

then again, ‘busy’ is an understatement. more to hectic.

in work, in personal life, in family and last but never the least — in cats.

are things beginning to prosper?
one can never tell — not even yours truly.

rumour has it S is in a relationship. but where art thou is the beau?

you really have to be careful of what you wish for. you want a husband, you will get it, along with other things that you do not want that comes with this package called ‘husband’. in a way, i find that my life has not changed 360 degrees, not even a full ten degrees to begin with. it’s not even a matter of too-early-to-say when things have been fast forwarded already, but it does remained to be materialized.

well… good luck, S.

this piece of hard candy with a surprise center

dear ___,

all these while when i’ve met too many assholes and bastards under the disguise of sengal/bebal dorks, my only prayer to HIM was that, when the right one comes along, it will be easy. no nonsenses. or at least, i am not going through what i’m going through with the ones i wasted my time with.

maybe i’m not there yet, but with this particular you, what i’m feeling is different with how i felt when i was with the draco malfoys.

of so many times i’ve always dared you’re going to let me down — you don’t. even when you did, what you do later to redeem, to compensate, was bigger that it is impossible to not forgive you.

when you do the unexpected — it may be the act of undying love and i would go perplexed — but i don’t feel messed up trying to figure you out. what settles on me is that i am so loved, by you.

and what i’ve always wanted in a man, foremostly, is that you’re decisive. it makes me respect you even more.

then again …

i’ve always wonder, is it because of the circumstances between us, we are able to make things nearly perfect like this? because we limit ourselves and we can only love each other so much, things are as blissful as this? because we already know too well what will happened at the end of the day?

if i were asked, i wouldn’t want to take this chance. not again. it’s a hassle. our few significant differences. it’s just too bothersome to handle when we are finally hit with the reality of it.

but given the man you are, and if… just if, and only with His Strength, i may go through it. yet again.

and if i just can’t handle when that one inevitable, fateful day arrives the moment i thought i have always prepared for but will break down in pieces so tiny it could fit a needle’s hole — when you say that you met someone.

it’s the kind of feeling we felt when we watched that darn movie P.S. I Love You.

that movie sucks.

to sum it up …

you don’t even need the free passes. you’re just you.

it doesn’t take a genius to figure this one out

these days i have became prettier. with a price. that i feel less than the way i used to feel.

i was happier after i find out what i wanted to know. yearning and longing for that feeling to be free. oh, the liberty.

i was not unhappy because i could almost have happiness like this again. i am happy to know that i am becoming closer to have happiness like that again.

all these great lessons. with greater prices. and the greatest emotions experienced. i felt much, much happier despite everything. i just can’t hardly wait to come home.

and i promise you, you will really, really regret it.

ku telah miliki
rasa indahnya perihku
rasa hancurnya harapku
kau lepas cintaku
rasakan abadi
sekalipun kau mengerti
sekalipun kau pahami
berpikirku salah mengertimu

aku hanya ingin kau tahu
besarnya cintaku
tingginya khayalku bersamamu
tuk lalui waktu yg tersisa kini
di setiap hariku
di sisa akhir nafas hidupku

walaupun semua
hanya ada dalam mimpiku
hanya ada dalam khayalku
ku lewati itu

somehow, i find this poignant. utterly.