this is denial

i would never want to revisit that time ever again. but this time, i relished it. maybe i am using it as an excuse, of not acknowledging the current pain and i am just reminiscing. it is still scary to bear through it. but the thought that the pain at the time was the greatest i have ever pulled through, it supposedly overshadows the actual pain that i am going through right now.

guess i am not making much of a sense.

i see it staring at my face, the same mistake i did, again and again. what broke the chemistry, what destroyed the magic, what swept the longing away. in a way it is something that i could not control — this is just me. if that person wants badly enough, things will be compromised. and yet i have not seen anyone doing it. for me. no one bothered/interested/stomach-ed enough to do it so. haha.

this is when i felt, it is still a long way to go. as much as i believe he’s ever nearer, it’s actually very, very far away. i just can’t get how the cosmic works. i dealt all the cards, pulled every tricks known and played each game. either i’m a fair opponent, a too aggressive member or a not favourable player. but i am never the weak one.

what if this is actually the last test, before the real one comes along? the last before the year ends? would there be any difference in the new coming chapter/year/month?

i guess, well, everyone else too, just like moi, have this emptiness they just can’t seem to fill.

+ + +

you see, M, i need you to take me away. to some place like this. and i think we can live domestically happy together. if i am not happy there with you, i don’t know what else could work.

+ + +

again, besides your make up tips, i don’t feel like listening to what you would like to advise moi on why i am still single. based on your track record — it has been horrible and totally unreliable. i appreciate the effort, but you can stop now, really.

giving your twoyearold girl a stapler for her to play with

+ + +

i am really, really, really perplexed that some very lucky women who snapped, shouted, cursed and even kicked their husband in the stomach to wake him up to go to work — have this very patient, gentle and loving man as her husband.

true story.

+ + +

the scene in the movie sepi, where the girl is so traumatized by the haunting memories of how her boyfriend was killed — scream, ran outside, hysterical and slammed into a passing car.

at the time, i felt this utter satisfaction. she was lying there on the street, physically broken on top of her already broken pieces and she opened her eyes, looking into her dead boyfriend’s eyes, also lying there beside her. he smiled and she smiled back.

i really feel like, just take me now, please.


5054 (updated)

S might ruined her life yet again, in the manner of lindsay lohan.

+ + +

how are you?
my birthday’s coming and i’m pretty psyched about it.

what mountainous tasks you’re facing right now?
in short term would be, clearing my work backlog. and rearranged my wardrobe.

what do you plan to purchase next year — apparel-wise?
i need to update my inner wear. a matching bra and knicker set each month. and i need nu ballet flats, pumps, strappy heels and sandals. i will buy one pair each month so that at the end of the next year, i will have a dozen sets of matching inner wears, three pairs of ballet flats, three pairs of pumps, three pairs of strappy heels and three pairs of sandals.

what about investing in expensive handbag and doing facials? any commitment to the gym?
for now, those stuffs… i’ll leave it to the future husband.

people are wondering and asking about you and the rockstar journalist. what’s the story?
the story is… we’re budding friends.

the guy in your (facebook) profile picture?
seriously nobody knows who he is? he’s hafiz hatim!

who’s the future husband?
on the way, i think. or maybe it’s me who have yet to make it halfway. maybe he is the one waiting and i’m still figuring out how to read the map.

what’s the story with your girlfriends?
i don’t know. i think i was harsh. i was a pure bitch. i feel like staying away from everyone. not running away, just shrinking away. but if anyone passed by, smiles, says ‘hi’, i will returned it all. maybe not to certain people, for now i hate to do confrontations because i feel that it’s wasting my time. this is supposedly immature because it simply means that i am not looking at both sides and sulking away, obviously. but i just hate people right now. i lost it (faith, trust) in men, i lost it in girls too. i feel like, i don’t have friends. well, they are around but for now, i completely understand that i’m not being a good friend to them anyway, so… serves me right for being where i am right now if you can ever get what i mean. i’m just too tired. i think everyone’s tired too due to other obligations. but there are some sensitive topics you have to take care of right away. for instance, money. it’s a very sensitive subject that you need to address to promptly. even between flesh and blood you can go kill each other, what more between friends. so, when you feel like you had to arm-twist your friend to pay you back, and your friend said, “it’s just freakin’ 80 bucks!”. well, 80 bucks means the world to me, if its not much then pay me now. i hate to think of my friend this way, it’s not about the amount, it’s how your friend takes care of you the way you took care of your friend. and your friend have not so much text to inform when he’s gonna pay or what, like nothing, like your friend have no qualms about it at all.

so how many bridesmaids are you looking at right now?
(laughs) i used to have eight. i feel like they’re all the perfect combination. i severed ties with three of them already. one is in rekindling process. two is in the process of the-moment-of-truth, and one is, well, we’re getting tired of each other, i think. then again, by the time i get to get married, perhaps there’s none left because everyone’s already married too.

if there’s one who can write a short description in remembering you, who would you want to do it?
casperoha. i read KLUE’s 2010 annual 20 under 40 list and found them boring. most of them wrote in all high praises, it’s boring. there’s not much of a intriguing info for me to find out more about who is listed because the write up is too boring. this is what happened when it’s your bestie writing about you. casperoha is my bestie, but she delivers cold hard truth, to the point that i am always mentally prepared first before hearing to what she’s gonna say because truth always hurts, what more the cold hard ones. and she will always come up with a word i never thought would described me, but it kinda does, because she sees in me every angles and evaluate it against reality before she delivers her opinion. no one weights reality more than just-the-nice-things-your-friends-wanted-to-hear than casperoha. so yeah, i’d want her to write about me, and include the word ‘tenacious’ because that is the word i never thought would described me — that’s the one word she got to described me.

you really like to play with your hair, don’t you?
yup. it’s not a sure sign i like the guy. i just like my hair. a lot. it plays a vital part when i’m shocked — i would hold both ends and bring it to wrapped around my face. it became a signature act that most girlfriends pointed out to other people who just knew me when i’m doing it in front of them.

current favourite song(s)?
you know how soothing is the piano piece in republik’s hanya ingin kau tahu? i like it very much. and i feel like death’s very near to me or i keep remembering the dead, like, if the dead is still around, things would be… the song for that mood would be bloc party’s signs. i first heard that song from a gossip girl‘s episode on bart bass’ death. and since my birthday is coming around, i’m feeling marie antoinette  (i like new order’s ceremony as well) — in the interpretation by sofia coppola — i’m listening to the radio dept’s i don’t like it like this.

you’re going to be 27. sure still no prospect?
i am full of myself, wishful thinkings and aimless. i have no sure destination. i just know i want to be happy, that is simply enough after what i’ve been through because sometimes i just don’t dare to wish for more because i’m too scared to get hurt. regardless how much i’ve steeled away, i am still easily hurt and it is cast deep so it took some of my time, my energy, my feelings and i feel that those are wasted unnecessarily. the good thing i see from this is, i’m glad that i’m still human, i’m not an ice queen yet. and i’ve met enough guys to prove me right again and again. at the same time, they left me puzzled and perplexed. right until now, whatever the guy said, or mentioned, verbally or written, i’m not taking up on any of it unless he acted out the whole sentence — for a start. it’s a pity that men i’ve met have successfully materialized the phrase “talk is cheap”.
naturally i don’t think there’s anything wrong with me (haha).
… let’s just put it this way — we’re just not for each other. let’s just be neutral about it. ha ha.

this princess stepped on her pumpkin

where are you when i needed you the most?

right now, right now…

i want to feel special

every little need is met and every little demand is entertained.

nothing i speak is the truth now. every little detail is manipulated.

just like you when you are with me.

we are here purely for companion and pleasure.

so i need you right now, right now.

because i want to feel like the princess that you love to spoiled.

and i will not hesitate even for a beat if you asked me again to come away with you.

right now.

that certain misery. i will swapped now for uncertain happiness.

i kinda lost it. or i am lost. in men, in girls. i lost it in both. did i demand so much? perhaps maybe so.

where do happy girls go when they are sad?

they go to their private playground where they took their shoes off and put on their tutus.

i repeat, what the hell do men want?

what the hell…?

it seems so easy for you to do something like that. if i ever do that, i would only do it to someone i never talked to. never ever met, even. in your own fantasy, in your own imaginary world that everybody else is just living in it, you have to put reservations for those who were able to reach you, means that they care about you. which means they have feelings.

you have very little regard to how people feel. i’m not saying all the time, but for this one, this is a no laughing joke. it’s a mean one. if that someone might have like you and you dropped something like this… wow. even though it’s too early — i think we can both agree on that — but this is still not something to kid around. we have different ideas of the things we take lightly. we have yet to know everything about each other, what makes us tick, our pet peeves, our dislikes. 

we had something nice going on. it’s dumbfuck that men always say women spoil these things by doing the one thing they dread: us wanting clarification. well, we dread that you do what you did to us to seek for clarification. because just like you, men, we thread our steps carefully. we don’t want to simply cross lines, deliriously crash your gates or unnecessarily taking it to another level when at the end of the day, the most sengal and bebal bastard from one of your species can fool us again.

and here’s a hint. when you are confronted with a woman who seeks clarification, she’s thinking rationally. she is the opposite of you, who, are saying things at the most irrational timing. and with this question the woman came up with, she is really thinking a few steps ahead, just like you men lives to do when it comes to strategizing your future. and that woman, despite your stupid, stupid, stupid random acts — is still holding out for you and giving you free passes. take her, or walk away. right now.

despite whatever my exposure, that we are completely the opposite, i am quite darn particular about these things. i am not the easy type.

i thought we are careful with our words, our actions, our gestures, our speeches. don’t we scrutinize and criticize each single thing that someone who broke our heart did to us? but why the hell would you do the same thing? it is not, “it is not the same thing.” it is the same thing. for as long as at the end of it, another heart is broke.

are you satisfied now, that you break hearts just the way someone broke yours?  you’re glad to know now that you’re capable to do something like that?

she’s the crazy bitch around here

what do men want? selama ni soalan diutarakan apa yang wanita mahu, tapi sekarang aku ingin tahu dari pertanyaan aku, what do men want?

they could have an affair, they could have an open relationship. and they obviously do not want me.

you’ve got to be exclusive! you don’t deserve an open relationship.

even homer simpson pun ade isteri, ade keluarga. i can’t be that bad.

keling jual roti malam-malam tatkala orang lain semua sudah pun beristirehat. realiti hidup yang memaksa sesetengah manusia untuk terus mencari rezeki. patutnya aku bersyukur keadaan aku lebih baik dari keling jual roti. but he may be going back to his wife.

mungkin aku kena melalui satu fasa yang amat teruk sehingga perasannya seperti aku ini a lost cause (kata Deppster sebelum dia menemui Vanessa P.) dan mungkin baru aku ketemu yang dicari, ditunggu, dimahukan. datang menyelamatkan aku. mungkin.

ugh, migraine.

aku rasa macam aku ni Jennifer Aniston. we are able to draw attention. we turned heads. we pulled surprises now and then that makes people keep talking about us. we’re good on our own, we have a job but not that we really shine at it. but we do kind of a good work at our job. we have great friends around us. but we are super freaking lonely. regardless with gorgeous gams (she), gorgeous hair (moi) and can survive without makeup (us).

macam mana perasaannya untuk tidak mempamerkan kemurungan diri pada orang lain dan seperti zahirnya kita menjalani hidup seperti biasa? because we’ve got to keep our freaking jobs! to live, to pay off our debts, to be able to afford the luxury of being depress. sedihnya lara ini dilalui seorang diri. mengadu pada diri sendiri. tiada tempat bermanja.

ugh, pathetic, pathetic.

tak boleh hidup tanpa komputer riba, tanpa Internet. kerana dengan dua ini, dapat menyerapkan diri dalam dunia virtual, dunia fantasi, dunia yang direka sendiri.

sebab mahu menstrual juga. hormon-hormon meragam. biological clock kembali membunyikan siren. aktiviti seksual: zero.

ugh, being single.

patutnya aku ini dirawat di klinik depresi. tapi itu memakan duit yang astronomical jumlahnya. dan perlu glam sambil depressed. escapism.

perlu sesuatu untuk sentiasa menghiburkan, memberikan otak makan. tak boleh dibiar ralit sendiri. dalam tidur pun entah apa-apa yang dikarutkan dalam mimpi. bila bangun jadi makin letih, bukan makin segar.

semuanya sama saja. sebelum mereka dapat aku, semua perhatian diberikan. setelah mereka dapat aku, terus menghilang entah apa silapnya tak pernah dapat aku figure it out.

maka? jangan buka pintu lagi.

shut it.

replay, replay, replay

tonight i’m tangled in my blanket of clouds
dreaming aloud

things just won’t do without you, matter of fact
i’m on your back

if you walk out on me
i’m walking after you
if you walk out on me
i’m walking after you

if you’d accept surrender, i’ll give up some more
weren’t you adored

i cannot be without you, matter of fact
i’m on your back

if you walk out on me
i’m walking after you
if you walk out on me
i’m walking after you

another heart is cracked in two
i’m on your back

what i feel like doing —
getting lost in all the pictures in my tumblr queue
drowned in my own tears (have to cry all out first, but the urge is yet to come in full force)
reading back all his letters but i think i know it by heart

why do i have this urge to end my life the soonest possible

there is this overwhelming feeling of missing someone so much i just couldn’t breathe. it makes me realize that he needs to save my day today, just as many times he had mentioned that i have saved his’.

i wish that i am in his flat, with that liana tree he has as his lamps’ holder, cuddled and safe and warm in his arms and he would just let me cry and cry and cry with no questions asked. seamlessly tucking away all my baggage, disposing it in his place with no qualms.

i’m replaying all the things that had happened to me before, only it is a set of compressed/crammed/combined minisodes. there’s a more matured control in handling it, there’s no feeling of the pain but the mind just couldn’t be bothered with it and the watergate just cannot be stopped.
it’s possible for me to not feel the pain but wanting to cry. it’s a separate entity to start with, and i have always love to cry and have also getting to become this person who is not easily pained, because these days it takes more.

however, he has those things and i have mine that we both know couldn’t work, won’t work and we both understand that it will never happened. but the hearts are lonely and it searches out what it wanted and found it and keep it close so that it will keep pulsating. the heart just don’t lie and can’t deny that no matter how much it tries to be neutral if not rejecting it, that this thing which you may called love is the blood that pumps you.