just for the heck of lipsticks and such

it’s been awhile i’ve blogged something like this, i want to know how different is the feeling of the aftermath.

am i really officially colder?

oh yea, before we start, there are two things i’ve been hearing from people that i find it hard to believe. things i heard from people, about moi, none other yours truly here.

one — that i am getting prettier. okay, there are a few notable people i thanked too, albeit not to their face, because, well, it’s Suessy Suraya Suhaimi. there’s always a plausible reason she’s a frenemy to certain people — but she doesn’t bite the hands who fed her. rather, they found a new pet, or, treated her like a runner for their errands.


back to imgettingprettier. previously she have heard of people raving about her bestie whose beauty graph chart increased each moment. a person who just gets prettier and prettier. amazing. i could never live up to that.

but apparently, as we speak, people commented that i am. despite still being dentally challenged.

thank you.

second — get this: i lost weight. lost? seriously? especially after the fasting month. seriously? i still feel bloated, huge and wide. but they say i sooo am.

if that is true, then, OhMG, i must’ve been way bigger and huge-r than now.

nevertheless, thank you.

now back to business.

+ in the voice of a la Gossip Girl +

it takes more than simply being nineteen days ahead to invite a waldorf to your party, especially after what you did to a waldorf. don’t take it for granted that you were once close to her, and then she walked away. for plausible reasons. not that you have done anything to proved otherwise anyway.

despite being alone and trapped in her own depression state of mind and losing a handful of bridesmaids, S is very well booked off throughout the year. to the point she hated for what she was booked for.

a whirlwind of romances and flings and assholisms as the new cult one should always avoid, S is currently seen frolicking around between music notes and leaves of books with a tall, artsy-fartsy companion.

it is unknown though widely speculated but S does not settled with anyone. she is just having a good year. so far.

therefore —

From the Office of Waldorf’s Household and Resident

Dear Ms J.,

Thank you for your kind invitation to Ms Waldorf for your betrothal on November xx, 2010. We have graciously accepted your personal tele-invitation as informed. Ms Waldorf would like to apologize for not recognizing your number on her new Nokia since her last Sony Ericsson went kaput. Nevertheless, Ms Waldorf is very enthusiastic to be the first one invited via personal cellphone call. In addition, please accept our congratulations from the whole household.

However, we regret to inform that Ms Waldorf will not be able to attend your engagement due to prior arrangementsss, or rather, family duties — with benefits of extended holiday to an isle for a beach trip. Ms Waldorf will be leaving the city for Eid-ul Haj precisely on November 16th, 2010 and will be back on November 23rd, 2010. Ms Waldorf will then be attending her cousin’s wedding which is the same date of your engagement, and which has also been previously blocked since May 20th, 2010.

We would like to highlight that Ms Waldorf will also be enjoying quality reading time while away, hence only emergency calls will be accepted. Ms Waldorf can still be reached via her virtual social networks.
Please request for ID/e-mail address if you do not have hers or have been removed from her list.

Ms Waldorf would like to extend her hearty congratulations to you and your partner on the engagement and wishing both luck through this new chapter and the next. She also wished to include her personal words, “may you both live happily here and hereafter”.

Thank you and we hope that you will have a wonderful occasion on your special day.

***Kindly contact Ms Gatsubi at least six months prior to request for Ms Waldorf blocking her schedule to attend your occasion/event. We will be more than glad to re-arrange for you in case the said date may just as well has already been blocked.

Best regards,

Ms Luesi Penguini Victoria
assistant to Ms Moeli Nanae Gatsubi
assistant to Ms Blair Suessylia Waldorf

c.c. miss moeli nanae gatsubis bb

for the heck of it, okay, read that? chill, aku takkan menyemakkan letter box kau atau bersusah payah handwrite this. aku send text terus —

sorry, can’t make it for your engagement. will be in penang til tuesday. thanks for the invite, have a wonderful day!

hm. best jugak getting back to blogging with the required capital letters. nampak cantik.

so, the word of the day is — cantik.

there. habis lunch time aku blogging. it’s been fun revisiting.

5054 (updated)

S might ruined her life yet again, in the manner of lindsay lohan.

+ + +

how are you?
my birthday’s coming and i’m pretty psyched about it.

what mountainous tasks you’re facing right now?
in short term would be, clearing my work backlog. and rearranged my wardrobe.

what do you plan to purchase next year — apparel-wise?
i need to update my inner wear. a matching bra and knicker set each month. and i need nu ballet flats, pumps, strappy heels and sandals. i will buy one pair each month so that at the end of the next year, i will have a dozen sets of matching inner wears, three pairs of ballet flats, three pairs of pumps, three pairs of strappy heels and three pairs of sandals.

what about investing in expensive handbag and doing facials? any commitment to the gym?
for now, those stuffs… i’ll leave it to the future husband.

people are wondering and asking about you and the rockstar journalist. what’s the story?
the story is… we’re budding friends.

the guy in your (facebook) profile picture?
seriously nobody knows who he is? he’s hafiz hatim!

who’s the future husband?
on the way, i think. or maybe it’s me who have yet to make it halfway. maybe he is the one waiting and i’m still figuring out how to read the map.

what’s the story with your girlfriends?
i don’t know. i think i was harsh. i was a pure bitch. i feel like staying away from everyone. not running away, just shrinking away. but if anyone passed by, smiles, says ‘hi’, i will returned it all. maybe not to certain people, for now i hate to do confrontations because i feel that it’s wasting my time. this is supposedly immature because it simply means that i am not looking at both sides and sulking away, obviously. but i just hate people right now. i lost it (faith, trust) in men, i lost it in girls too. i feel like, i don’t have friends. well, they are around but for now, i completely understand that i’m not being a good friend to them anyway, so… serves me right for being where i am right now if you can ever get what i mean. i’m just too tired. i think everyone’s tired too due to other obligations. but there are some sensitive topics you have to take care of right away. for instance, money. it’s a very sensitive subject that you need to address to promptly. even between flesh and blood you can go kill each other, what more between friends. so, when you feel like you had to arm-twist your friend to pay you back, and your friend said, “it’s just freakin’ 80 bucks!”. well, 80 bucks means the world to me, if its not much then pay me now. i hate to think of my friend this way, it’s not about the amount, it’s how your friend takes care of you the way you took care of your friend. and your friend have not so much text to inform when he’s gonna pay or what, like nothing, like your friend have no qualms about it at all.

so how many bridesmaids are you looking at right now?
(laughs) i used to have eight. i feel like they’re all the perfect combination. i severed ties with three of them already. one is in rekindling process. two is in the process of the-moment-of-truth, and one is, well, we’re getting tired of each other, i think. then again, by the time i get to get married, perhaps there’s none left because everyone’s already married too.

if there’s one who can write a short description in remembering you, who would you want to do it?
casperoha. i read KLUE’s 2010 annual 20 under 40 list and found them boring. most of them wrote in all high praises, it’s boring. there’s not much of a intriguing info for me to find out more about who is listed because the write up is too boring. this is what happened when it’s your bestie writing about you. casperoha is my bestie, but she delivers cold hard truth, to the point that i am always mentally prepared first before hearing to what she’s gonna say because truth always hurts, what more the cold hard ones. and she will always come up with a word i never thought would described me, but it kinda does, because she sees in me every angles and evaluate it against reality before she delivers her opinion. no one weights reality more than just-the-nice-things-your-friends-wanted-to-hear than casperoha. so yeah, i’d want her to write about me, and include the word ‘tenacious’ because that is the word i never thought would described me — that’s the one word she got to described me.

you really like to play with your hair, don’t you?
yup. it’s not a sure sign i like the guy. i just like my hair. a lot. it plays a vital part when i’m shocked — i would hold both ends and bring it to wrapped around my face. it became a signature act that most girlfriends pointed out to other people who just knew me when i’m doing it in front of them.

current favourite song(s)?
you know how soothing is the piano piece in republik’s hanya ingin kau tahu? i like it very much. and i feel like death’s very near to me or i keep remembering the dead, like, if the dead is still around, things would be… the song for that mood would be bloc party’s signs. i first heard that song from a gossip girl‘s episode on bart bass’ death. and since my birthday is coming around, i’m feeling marie antoinette  (i like new order’s ceremony as well) — in the interpretation by sofia coppola — i’m listening to the radio dept’s i don’t like it like this.

you’re going to be 27. sure still no prospect?
i am full of myself, wishful thinkings and aimless. i have no sure destination. i just know i want to be happy, that is simply enough after what i’ve been through because sometimes i just don’t dare to wish for more because i’m too scared to get hurt. regardless how much i’ve steeled away, i am still easily hurt and it is cast deep so it took some of my time, my energy, my feelings and i feel that those are wasted unnecessarily. the good thing i see from this is, i’m glad that i’m still human, i’m not an ice queen yet. and i’ve met enough guys to prove me right again and again. at the same time, they left me puzzled and perplexed. right until now, whatever the guy said, or mentioned, verbally or written, i’m not taking up on any of it unless he acted out the whole sentence — for a start. it’s a pity that men i’ve met have successfully materialized the phrase “talk is cheap”.
naturally i don’t think there’s anything wrong with me (haha).
… let’s just put it this way — we’re just not for each other. let’s just be neutral about it. ha ha.

a thousand thoughts per minute

If you are at first lonely, be patient.
If you’ve not been alone much, or if when you were you were not okay with it, then just wait.
You’ll find it’s fine to be alone once you’re embracing it.

We can start with the acceptable places — the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library, where you can stall and read the paper, where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there.
Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books, you’re not suppose to talk much anyway so it’s safe there.
There is also the gym — if you’re shy, you can hang out with yourself and mirrors, you can put headphones in.
There’s public transportation — we all gotta go places.
And there’s prayer and mediation, no one will think less if you’re hanging with your breath seeking peace and salvation.

Start simple.
Things you may have previously avoided based on avoid-being-alone principles.

The lunch counter, where you will be surrounded by “chow downers”, employees who only have an hour and their spouse works across town, and they, like you, will be alone.
Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone.
When you are comfortable with “eat lunch and run”, take yourself out to dinner to a restaurant with linen and silver wear.
You’re no less an intriguing a person when you are eating solo desert and cleaning the whip cream from the dish with your finger.
In fact, some people at full tables will wish they were where you were.

Go to the movies.
Where it’s dark and soothing, alone in your seat amidst fleeting community.

And then take yourself out dancing, to a club where no one knows you, stand on the outside of the floor until the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you.
Dance like no one’s watching because they are probably not.
And if they are, assume it is with best human intentions.
The way bodies move genuinely move to beats, after-all, is gorgeous and affecting.
Dance till you’re sweating.
And beads of perspiration remind you of life’s best things.
Down your back, like a book of blessings.

Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you.
Go to an unfamiliar city, roam the streets, they are always statues to talk to, and benches made for sitting gives strangers a shared existence if only for a minute, these moments can be so uplifting and the conversation you get in by sitting alone on benches, might of never happened had you not been there by yourself.

Society is afraid of alone though.
Like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements.
Like people must have problems if after awhile no one is dating them.
But lonely is a freedom that breathes easy and weightless, and lonely is healing if you make it.
You can stand swaffed by groups and mobs and hands with your partner, look both further and farther in the endless quest for company.
But no one is in your head.
And by the time you translate your thoughts, an essence of them maybe lost or perhaps it is just kept.
Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, perhaps all those sappy slogans from pre-school over to high school groaning, we’re tokens for holding the lonely at bay.
Cause if you’re happy in your head, and solitude is blessed, and alone is okay.
It’s okay if no one believes like you, all experiences are unique, no one has the same synopsis can’t think like you, this me/ be ?, keeps things interesting, life’s magic things ?, and it doesn’t mean you aren’t connected, the community is not present, just take back to you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it.
Take silence and respect it, if you have an art that needs practice stop neglecting it, if your family doesn’t get you or a religious sect is not meant for you, don’t obsess about it.
You could be in an instant surrounded if you need it, if your heart is bleeding, make the best of it, there is heat and freezing be a testimate.

how to be alone by tanya davis

i guess some parts are missing or incorrect… i just like this as a guide. i’ve always like being alone, having all the time and spaces all to myself. but right now, heart is so aching for someone a few thousand miles apart, thinking that, i want to do all of the above with him. something different, where everything that is familiar to me changed to something unknown, but i just can’t wait to take it all in. and taking it all in with that one particular person — who, with only the simplest things he does, makes me smile a thousand mega-watt smile.

read, and tell the world about it

Hey Suraya, how are you? I’ve seen u have gotten quite friendly with — since, on FB and Twitter. I would like to let you know that I’m uneasy about that You know, i like him and I wish you couldn’t interfere My chances are not high at all but yet I’m very sincere and it took me months to develop a good repotoire with him, personally and professionally. I’m threatened, that obvious. but i hope u understand how much i dislike most of your gestures in getting close to him, you don’t even know him. I know you have my best intention at heart, but that’s not what girl friends do. Frankly, i don’t even like it when u add him up on FB in the 1st place. I’ve told many of my girls bout him n none doing things u do. I hope you’d understand. But if you choose to ignore my msg, go on, you have the right to whatever u feel like doing in the world. Have a good day. Thank you.

i don’t feel like saying samasama — i don’t feel like thanking. i didn’t have a good day. i cried all evening to someone a thousand miles away, as he, with no questions asked took my baggage away. i choose not to ignore your message. i do understand but this is fucking shitty. what’s the relation of me with your girls — i say it’s irrelevant. whatever they want to do, what’s your jurisdiction on what they want to do — are you their mommy? frankly, it never hits me how much you like this guy until i heard you freaked out. i do have your best intentions at heart, i naturally mentioned you when i introduced myself — that’s what girlfriends do. yes i don’t even know him, that’s why i want to get to know him. i don’t want to get close to him but you should put some reservations that fate has its own way to twist the turn of events. why would you be threatened when you seems to know him better than me — you had months ahead of me and both professional and personal repertoire built already and… and… you are sincere at that! — but now, that sincerity is questionable. sincerity and spite don’t exist on the same page what more in one SMS. you’re taking chances, you should know there’s risks of competition, frustrations, failures but why’d someone like you let those get in the way — not someone like you… that i know. consider me interfering — heh, who mentioned that he and i would make a great couple when i told you we’re as different as night and day — but were both great writers, aren’t we? i would like to know how uneasy are you feeling now — fucking fucked up already? who fucked who? it’s you who fucked yourself. get a grip. get a fucking grip. you’re not his girlfriend. you’re not his fucking official girlfriend. with everything that you know of him that i DONT’ EVEN KNOW HIM, you are way ahead of me. you’re fucking over-reacting. i will keep getting friendly with him, not to spite you but because i want to.

but guess what —
i have other things happening in my life right now. i’m over the moon altimet would even tweet with me. one of my girlfriends who i think the world of, commented i’m looking prettier, which made my day. i have someone who complained i always left too early for him to say a proper goodbye to me i can’t believe he’s missing me that much. my kitten is dying with all its internal organs shutting down but she’s standing, she’s walking, she’s mewing and she’s eating — even the doc don’t want to consider euthanising her — tell me how it breaks my heart and how painful that last visit to the vet on eve ramadhan while everyone else performs their tarawih — even the doc said she will always remember this date. this morning one of my girlfriends lost her job — the job that she poured her heart out, taking care of everyone’s interest but herself, she’s the driver, the navigator, the manager, the planner, the caretaker — but everyone else around her fucking took her for fucking granted — you tell me how breakable and heart-wrenching is that knowing your girlfriend is being treated this way by others.

on top of this all, i’m welcoming ramadhan in tears — the one thing i look forward to but wtf an SMS i received from my girlfriend this afternoon. and i’m typing each word — because this is how much you mean to me. and don’t fucking hey me in that tone. i told you that you’ve been up in the air for quite some time.

bitching for no apparent reason

i was looking at some pictures… and i can’t stop myself from wishing, “please let her stay fat… please, please, please… please don’t ever let her slim down… ever.”

and then orang lain pun akan curse aku, “please let her stay single… please, please, please… please don’t ever let her get married before me… at least…”

ha ha ha ~

ini sebab dah cantik sikit lea ni, dah nak riak orang lain semua buruk. sejak ade bangs — keje buta pukul 2 pagi — memang mendapat sambutan positif dari orang ramai. kira kalau rambut depan baru aku ni diibaratkan filem, positive reviews habis-habisan lea. aku buat point macam ni sebab memang best sangat lea suessy dengan potongan rambut begini. sampai boleh disamakan dengan evelyn salt gitu. dari country manager sampai veterinarian pun suka. pelbagai bangsa also — cina, melayu, india dan switzerland. siap diorang ingat the bangs were done professionally. hah!

tapi tu lah. aku rasa cam… hmm… orang lain semua… tak cantik. diamati survived sebab make up, sebab seksi, sebab… kau kaya (ini mak aku yang cakap). cuba kalau tak ade elemen tu… survived au naturale?

haizzz… aku ni masih lagi dentally-challenged — yang segelintir kenalan maki hamun kata aku langsung tak perlukan braces — eczema di kaki masih berbaki, kening dengan upper lip dah lama tak threading, badan semakin melebar… tapi aku pun survived. dengan compact powder untuk mengemaskan complexion. dan mengharapkan tulang kening yang prominent meng-semulajadikan pembentukan kening. dan of kross — my l’oréal eyeliner and mascara. every person akan terus cakap aku pakai bulu mata palsu. yes!

oh ya. selalu lupa nak taruk gincu. suka lip balm dan lip gloss je. tapi selalu kena lecture dengan mama dan shoobs sebab tak taruk gincu.

“bagi lea warna sikit!”

for moi, i like the wet lips. inviting, seducing, kissable-ing. ha ha ha ~

i’ve always said that make up is about highlighting my features. not to paint my face. it scares the hell out of me that (1) my husband will walk away once i took off the make up, (2) that i look totally different with or without make up, and (3) that i have to have to put on make up before i go out, even to attend to those people yang membuat bancian. in that order. that’s effin’ exhausting.

and then… and then… *boleh nak perasan lagi* — semenjak potongan rambut yang mendapat sambutan dan gelaran maskarakuin dari shoobs — membariskan diri sendiri dengan jennifer aniston dan cameron diaz. tak boleh blah. sebab kami ini semulajadi cantik, minimal make up saja perlu. dan single. masih belum berkahwin. prospect pun tak ade. tidak mengapa, kau sebaris A-list starlets — takbolehblah!

*but cameron d is seeing someone, kan? i recalled an item from yahoo! omg!*

but then bila tengok knight and day, cameron d dah nampak tua dowh. kalau takde make-up muka sure tak kemas. itu lea roha dah start suruh look into botox. the end is near… ha ha ha ~

+ + +

so i was looking at some pictures… and i realized that i don’t get those stabbing pains in the heart anymore. i can look at the pictures and not feel anything.

*lagi faktor yang menggalakan riak ini haizzz -_-“)*

i’m okay.

another factor that make me ever more confident — see, sebenarnya bukan riak. ini adalah a natural french girls’ trait dalam diri aku *oh sila pengsan sekarang* — are, le girlfriends.

aku nak turun tangga and in my sights i noticed this model-tall gal yang nak naik tangga but she’s on my way… aku ke kiri, dia pun sama dan ikut rentak aku ke kanan… rupa-rupanya the wedding planner. bila aku realized dia sape, terus gelak-gelak dapat kenakan aku.

*please note that when i exclaimed setanataushut up“, theyre not meant or in the same tone when i sayfuckerrrorfuck you“. ever.

jujurnya *quoting nazznazirah*, i’m always on the lookout for along-z(ee)z(ee) every time i arrived lrt. always. gembira dapat tengok a familiar face, a girlfriend, before you go to work. because girls just make you happy and all giggly. it always does. i guess some are not very much a morning person or a talkative person, it doesn’t matter to me — i could only relate it to how much one needs their “me” time inside the train, probably it’s the only time they have for themselves throughout the day anyway.

and bila along-z(ee)z(ee)  playfully tugged my hair, aku pun nak manja-manja exaggeratingly teleng kepala ikut arah tangan along-z(ee)z(ee) tarik my hair. suka. suka tengok dia yang stylish. matching striking colours that i could never think it would ever work but it does on her and for her. you know how some people dressed themselves really reflects their personality, like nazznazirah for instance — that is along-z(ee)z(ee). absolutely.

and for someone like her, tall and thin like that — one would (that is moi) may deemed her as timid or shy. but she’s all confident. no nonsense. tapi suka camwhore dan be gorgeous. aktif dan lasak nak mampos not ever a blair like moi would want to step in — takpelah, lain kali. i’ve always said my mother is ultraathletic but it never goes down to me — because me, i am the cheerleader. ha ha ha ~

so girlfriends make me happy, confident and feel all warm and pleasant and content. dropping a call or e-mailing…  ideas are shared along with naughty and nasty joke of the day, affectionate name-calling and bitching and problems talked and sorted. and even though you are not getting married yet, a girl will always enjoy the process and to be able to share the day is an honour, always.

which comes to wani ardy. i never thought she would always have me on her mind. like when she invited me for the breaking fast. and to her engagement. she made me do something i would never wanted to do — to come alone. i was not close to them… this is the crowd that i pulled myself away… because of what i did that made me sooo segan with them. tapi diorang okay je, takde hal. paling un-judgmental people i have ever met.

but this thing that has made me from wani’s simple invitations — of coming alone — is practically a milestone. i would have never want to do it but i did anyways. i survived *hezzz, cliché*. and now she has already pre-invited moi, along with informing the theme colours and being part of her big day. me, in her personal invite list, along with all the other girls who have known her forever and closer to her like the next person… like i am totally guffawed when i read her message. giiileah!

wani ardy has been like the missing link among each other, the one that brought us all together… even though she’s far away or wherever she is but when she sees you, she will text you about your new hair (again its the hair, dan masa itu pun ade bangs tapi dengan rambut bob ngehehe), or just dropped something amusing that made your day.

so here… i have all these girls along with jasmine, suerie, bella, ikim… the cashmere mafias, juez, nazz, eda and abby, farsha and her sisters, dira-chan and angelaira… who, simply accepted my quirkiness, my eccentricity, my antics with no questions asked, no contradictions, no snappy remarks, no subconscious-mind assumptions, no must-have-boyfriend-as-solutions-to-life — what they do is they celebrate me.

thank you, loves. thank you. sooo much.

nota kaki: i hope shanny tak jual baju aku since dah nak masuk lima bulan aku tak ambik baju-baju hantar last time. one of them is baju bridesmaid untuk wedding huda. memang kena penggal kepala lea kalau baju tu dalam tangan orang lain.


when in penang, suessy screws any existing diet

may 21st
we’re heading to penang for the weekend to attend the engagement of my cousin, azmie, on saturday. mum and i are pretty excited to arrive at the isle as early as possible so we planned to have breakfast at section 14 after dropping my brother at school. there’s a kedai lontong mak yah, where you may have to lined up for almost an hour and the lontong could finish as fast as the first three hours it opens — your rezeki really counts. i love to order the lontong sotong where i specifically ask for no sambal, extra kuah kacang and only the janggut part of the sotong. the guy is pretty generous with the janggut because mum said not everyone likes it. turns out, mum and i got up late after late night making the chocolate hazelnut cookies as one of the engagement offerings. we shared halves of mcdonald’s big n’ tasty. i had mine with a cup of oldtown white coffee.

we left the haus around ten a.m. and as i drove up to north, i had half a bottle of coke and a bag of potato chips, original flavour. these days i have low tolerant for other flavours, the basic one is always the best. we stopped at r&r tapah where mum just wants to hang out there because it’s a weekday and there’s no traffic at its parking lot. mum had keladi masak asam and some green veggies on top of white rice. i wasn’t hungry and i have no idea what to eat but just because we were sitting in front of a nasi ayam stall, i had one of those — roasted. it was too salty since they poured soy sauce on the plate before putting on the rice. i only ate half of it.

we arrived penang around one p.m. but because mum badly wanted to buy something for afiq, azmie’s two-year-old nephew, we stopped at a shopping mall first hence arriving at the actual location — azmies haus — at three p.m.. when we arrived, the smell of my aunt’s delicious curry lingers. then again, i’m not a fan of curry. we settled around the haus and we were served late-lunch-almost-hi-tea. we brought with us some raw ikan keli and roe of ikan sembilang for the haushold. immediately, my aunt put some of the roe into her curry as she reheats it. mum had the fish curry with rice. i had some of the roe because i’m a big fan but mostly i was indulging with my aunt’s sweet and sour garoupa. she puts in lots of onion slices which i really like and i feel it is as good as any veggies.

later we had this decadent dessert of cold bubur pulut hitam with evaporated milk. i don’t fancy bubur pulut hitam much but anything’s good with evaporated milk, eh? i had two bowls. and then, i helped myself to homemade shrimp currypuffs. my aunt made them — chicken, beef, shrimp — and sell them frozen. at the time, my aunt was making a batch of the beef currypuffs for an order. i topped some of the minced meat on top of my currypuffs. she’s making it in smaller size these days, i never bother to know why but i like them better.

we had a small birthday party for my aunt who turned sixty-two. azmie’s brother, alane came over with his wife, alina and their son, afiq, towed with present and a blackforest cake.

nescafé with sugar is served around the clock.

mum and my aunt went to alane’s haus for last minute preparation while azmie and i went to pick up my brother at the bus station — he came down after he took his history test at school. we stopped at a mamak restaurant, and the boys had rice, curry and fried chicken for my brother, tandoori chicken for azmie. i said i won’t take any dinner, but i was inkling for kue tiow goreng with fried chicken. it was not a good one, i only finished the chicken.

my cousins keep pointing out my biceps. they said i am fat now — its their very first comment after six months — but then they realized it’s only my biceps and that i am still slim. not much comfort, though, the weight scale at sime darby medical centre don’t lie.

may 22nd
alane’s haus is the pit stop for the whole entourage to gather before heading to the engagement. i got up and found my mum arranging the newly fried currypuffs in a box to bring it there. i asked one from her because it smells so good, still warm and its puff is crispy.

for breakfast, my aunt made briyani vermicelli with lots of cabbage and carrot slices. my brother and i don’t fancy it that much, we had some and our mum finished it off. we feasted on the nescafé and the homemade currypuffs.

we went to alane’s haus at 11 a.m. bringing the ironed baju kurungs and shirts, new heels, the frozen currypuffs my pregnant cousin who we are meeting there ordered, two pineapples to make jelatah and the currypuffs in a box. alane ordered somewhat curry-ish looking ayam masak merah, dalca, really red daging masak merah and nasi hujan panas for lunch. alane’s wife, alina, my aunt and mum made jelatah. i was the first to dived in.

we left for the engagement at three p.m.. the weather was really hot and the haus is linda’s granny, azmie’s fianceé-to-be, at one of those malay villages in jelutong. the streets are really narrow, the kind only one-car-at-a-time-don’t-think-about-another-car-coming-from-the-opposite-direction. it was an eleven-car-entourage and at first we wanted to all parked at the surau but then the walk to the haus will not only drenched our clothes but melted the chocolate spirals on my mother’s cookies in five seconds flat. when we finally arrived, we discovered that the haus’ yard is big enough for a decent parking space. the theme was pink down to all linda’s brothers wearing pale pink polo tees. after the introduction, the discussion, official announcement of the wedding date, my aunt putting on the ring on linda’s finger, hi-tea is served. there were pulut kuning, roti jala, kari daging, more currypuffs, kuih bengkang and kuih lompang. i was still full so i only had the kuih lompang which were nicely chilled, not sweet and striking in its shocking pink and sunshine yellow colour with white salted grated coconut on top. they served ice cold syrup drinks and coffee at just the right hotness temperature. it was a good black coffee indeed.

we returned to the alane’s haus after the engagement. i unsuccessfully helped my mum finished her nasi hujan panas, chicken and beef. i just realized that someone brought in sambal ikan kering when alina told me it was nice but i don’t feel like having them. afiq and i helped ourselves to mango jellies — they’re one of the engagement offerings from linda’s side. there was also a moist chocolate cake layered with toffee, i had a small slice. just like at my aunt’s haus, nescafé with sugar is served around the clock, along with tea, black coffee and nescafé with milk and sugar.

may 23rd
breakfast is one my aunt’s famous dishes — sunny side eggs with slices of onions and tomatoes cooked with ghee butter. but first, i had some fried rice with sambal sardin of which she fried the sardines first before cooking it with the gravy which most people said it is a lot nicer. then, i had the egg with the eminent roti benggali. mum said when she was a kid growing up with eleven siblings, they dislike it so much and gardenia bread is considered a luxury. these days my uncle and his son fight for it over soup, especially for the crust slices.

for lunch before we head home, my aunt made fish head curry, kobis masak lemak putih and reheated the leftover sambal ikan kering. i’m everything for the white gravy against the brilliant red so i finally tried the sambal with the cabbage. still, i didn’t eat much because i was still full with breakfast.

we left penang around 3.30 p.m. and arrived kelana jaya at 7.20 p.m.. we stopped at a café for dinner. both mum and my brother had the char kue tiow and i honestly don’t know what to order because i don’t know what i feel like eating since i’m neither full nor hungry. eventually i ordered clear chicken soup with rice but they got my order very late i cancelled it and ordered the char kue tiow to go. when i got home, the gravy is just nicely soaked into the rice noodles. i separated the shrimps from its skin and gave the meat bit by bit to my cat, moeli. i ate the warm noodles with relish and realized that its soy sauce is really, really, really delicious — it was a delicious char kue tiow indeed.

i made a mug of nescafé with sugar and milk and drank a bottle of mineral water. tomorrow, i feel like having pizza for lunch, and my mum and i again planned to go the lontong haus after dropping my brother at school.


it’s a really good day to slouch and cry

slouch because there is such a decadent read filled with wits and sarcasm — nymag.com and jane austen’s pride and prejudice. cry because despite the tears and kleenex tissues, your eyelashes individually erected itself with the daily dose of collagen-stuffed mascara by l’oréal and you have never looked much more beautiful-er than that with your enhanced-by-threading eyebrows and almost fresh-cement-complexion since you now know how to use a compact powder — so, yes, you can slouch and cry because you are pretty.

it doesn’t make sense?

when you say a guy would be turn-off with a girl who is still eating after she had a full meal doesn’t make sense, i feel that it does make sense. he’s simply turned off. period. he is not against still-eating-after-a-meal — even though that is the only explanation he can offers when a woman demanded one — he’s just not into that girl who is still-eating-after-a-meal. that’s all.

we were so crazy to follow the rules. when we follow the rules, in my opinion, we create what we want-at-that-time and not what-we-actually-want. it eventually ran its course or becomes fake, whichever’s first. if you want to be the exception — let go, be at ease.

that was an easy thing to say.

if becoming involved or at the pre-stage of becoming involved consumes you, let it go. it’s hell. i applaud you who can mask it. i tried to mask myself but i am so pathetically transparent. rather than going ferociously against the current, i decided to just go with the flow, the agony, the heartbreak. eventually, it will ran its course as well. at that time, i picked up the defeated self of me feeling liberated and as light as a feather.

eyes on the prize — stick to it.

i came up with this prophecy-sorta that the seventh man will be the one. i have finished dating six men who elated me, agonized me and broke me. this time, more conscious than ever, i tasted liberation. right now, i am just reading the signs. and having fun eye roving on the daily LRT rides.

you know how those rom-coms/ chic flicks movie about the luckless-in-love gal who has all these rules, criteria, tested theories and whatnots of men… and in the end, they pulled it off and say they’re all jokes? because it — love — gonna happen effortlessly without all those BS.

that’s why one must not create too many craps. yeah, the men have been telling women this piece of advice ever since forever — it applies vice versa okay, especially when one had to do it all over again. and i’m not also saying that you never apply or practise the rules. because being human, we just had to hit the wall again and again to finally get to the exception. so that when it finally arrives, you know how it makes it all worthwhile — all those foolishness and mishaps you went through. have a little faith in yourself, you do deserve more than just one miracle.

it’s kinda fun when a tumblr post i reblogged said it this way (pardon the inaccuracy) —

one day, the right one will come around. in the mean time, have fun with all the wrong ones.

you can take it this way to loosen up. but when you just had to slouched away and cry, go ahead.

basically, when it’s too exhausting to follow the rules, just stick to the time-tested commandments, not theory-tested rules. like, when you say that ill never ever, it’ll happen fast enough before you can even take it back. or the one has always been there in front of you all these times. when your heart goes pit-a-pat. whatever he lacks of, you find it endearing. something and whatever else along the same lines like that.

even if you have a G5 but you don’t spare any regards to everyone else when you drive, it’s better off you don’t own that G5 at all. that you can actually be a bigger person instead of being lamefully annoying, i never find the latter amusing to the point i don’t bother to look out on what else you could offer. that when i can already call your bluff but you pointlessly create taller and taller tall stories, do try some chivalry instead… it is n.e.r.d. — never ever really dies.

i believe that there is someone who can see it through despite my petulance, that i am really at most blissful when having a good laugh, good food and great conversations — regardless, whether it’s with strangers, the cleaning lady, the restaurant owner, family, the girlfriends and the guyfriends who don’t think that suessy-must-get-a-boyfriend-soon is the ultimate solution whenever she starts complaining her friends don’t spend time with her or left her out (do you really have to say it out loud if you are a friend? its fucking insulting).

which is why, regardless of all my listed criteria, i’m eager to meet who is my exception.

i don’t have to explain myself if one concluded this entry as desperate. bon voyage, and don’t forget your sunblock since it’s your trip to hell.