thank you, 2010. woOOOot!

dearest all, Happy New Year. thank you for making my 2010 a hella fun, bumpy ride in both tears and laughters (and shouts and hugs along the way) — your thoughtful thoughts, your forgiveness, your prayers, your just-being-there, your generosity and your ever constant patience in so many ways unthinkable, mind-blowing and … woOOOot! have a good one and another great year ahead. have a blast and be safe! xxx.

this is my last post for this blog.

thank you to each and every one of you for those 29k visits since March 2008.

if you would like to know where i am, just Google moi. haha!


for the new friends I made

for the friends who stuck with me through thick and thin

for the bitches that backstabbed me

for the people who just walked out of my life

for the people who broke my heart

for the people who made me happy

most of all… this is for me on still being awesome, and will be awesome in 2011


this is denial

i would never want to revisit that time ever again. but this time, i relished it. maybe i am using it as an excuse, of not acknowledging the current pain and i am just reminiscing. it is still scary to bear through it. but the thought that the pain at the time was the greatest i have ever pulled through, it supposedly overshadows the actual pain that i am going through right now.

guess i am not making much of a sense.

i see it staring at my face, the same mistake i did, again and again. what broke the chemistry, what destroyed the magic, what swept the longing away. in a way it is something that i could not control — this is just me. if that person wants badly enough, things will be compromised. and yet i have not seen anyone doing it. for me. no one bothered/interested/stomach-ed enough to do it so. haha.

this is when i felt, it is still a long way to go. as much as i believe he’s ever nearer, it’s actually very, very far away. i just can’t get how the cosmic works. i dealt all the cards, pulled every tricks known and played each game. either i’m a fair opponent, a too aggressive member or a not favourable player. but i am never the weak one.

what if this is actually the last test, before the real one comes along? the last before the year ends? would there be any difference in the new coming chapter/year/month?

dorota: miss blair, are you drunk?

i really am phenomenal when it comes to self-endorphing. play me all the favourite songs, let it seeps in, and i really dance like no one’s watching.

those consuming alcohol chugged like… i don’t know, i just see them keep coming. and exactly like that, i keep being endorphed. endlessly. song after song. and when you have a good party with you, you’re firework. and a small party we were, but good things do come in small packages, no?

mula-mula a malu-malu crazy b*tch lea. lepas tu a very, very, very crazy b*tch.

thank you for putting me up that stage. i couldn’t stop laughing at how silly i was then. but it was hella fun.

despite that i broke up with the girls, there are things they said that i still carry around. shoobs knows me that i just needed someone to say hi or smile at me, then only will i actually looked friendly and approachable with the way i responded.

the girls always reminded me to stop appearing rigid and quiet. i am actually this girl who’s interesting and very, very fun to be with. start with a smile. and then just keep smiling.

when i was in the car and being sort of ‘briefed’ … there is no that heavy feeling like i used to have. it has became, its whether i want it or not. i can pull this off, but it goes down only to whether i want it or not. that’s all.

and there was that very important lesson from that movie Yes Man. you only gotta say yes, no matter how automatically often you’d said no before.

then again, without the missing links — fuck it, well just go! — or having that good party, or a strong pair of hands pushing me forward, i wouldn’t really start.

but once i started…

theres the crazy b*tch.

it was a blast.

the office anniversary dinner.

they hardly see this part of me, of course. and when they did, they went —

“are you drunk? you sure you didn’t drink? did you drink when we weren’t watching?”

i was really overwhelmed. i would have stand on my toes and kiss the boss on the cheek as our photo is taken. but i chose to run around the wine rume hugging bridg, mel, and ceel. and they went, “seriously, this is Sue? what happened to you? are you okay?”

and then hugging shoobs. besides everyone else in the rume, she is the biggest mentor, the one yang aku paling banyak menyusahkan, the avid listener and when she’s boisterous, she’s full of it.

i wasn’t drinking, i was just… overwhelmed. even the boss was laughing and laughing when we talked. my guess is that he never thought he’d get this out of me.

it took me some time to discard the overwhelmation and i spaced out a bit and had to asked them to repeat what were they saying about me. -_-“)

good times, though.


a platonic relationship

it’s great that you started out as friends. it’s truer than before when they say, “just start out as friends first.” but start it with good faith and an open mind — this is really true, you must and you have to. so then there will be no expectations, no rules and no assumptions. you can dismissed the ‘what if-s’ and just do what you want to do. you won’t be labeled eager, desperate or obnoxious. you’re just excited to have found a nu friend, that’s all. as long as you be nice and don’t go overboard. when you feel weird out, or clueless about what’s next, just clear your head and take it easy. tell/remind yourself, this is just friends — do what friends do.

you’ll be fine.