this is denial

i would never want to revisit that time ever again. but this time, i relished it. maybe i am using it as an excuse, of not acknowledging the current pain and i am just reminiscing. it is still scary to bear through it. but the thought that the pain at the time was the greatest i have ever pulled through, it supposedly overshadows the actual pain that i am going through right now.

guess i am not making much of a sense.

i see it staring at my face, the same mistake i did, again and again. what broke the chemistry, what destroyed the magic, what swept the longing away. in a way it is something that i could not control — this is just me. if that person wants badly enough, things will be compromised. and yet i have not seen anyone doing it. for me. no one bothered/interested/stomach-ed enough to do it so. haha.

this is when i felt, it is still a long way to go. as much as i believe he’s ever nearer, it’s actually very, very far away. i just can’t get how the cosmic works. i dealt all the cards, pulled every tricks known and played each game. either i’m a fair opponent, a too aggressive member or a not favourable player. but i am never the weak one.

what if this is actually the last test, before the real one comes along? the last before the year ends? would there be any difference in the new coming chapter/year/month?

i would like to suggest this —

when you are being paranoid about him cheating on you, you will find yourself that eventually, the one who was cheating… is you.

you can get ahead of the game, but by subconsciously mirroring him as well. when you find yourself that you could just not control the situation, that you are so lifeless you heart hardly beats, just let it be. what’s more important is to save yourself. even though you have been ahead of him — spy works, et cetera — and beat him to it, catching him red-handed, you will still end up exhausting yourself.

and this is when you need you the most. you have no idea just how much you have exhausted yourself. you need all the energy to build back the space of what you know you have already lost — which crumbles you — even though it is not staring you in the face just yet. but we are women, we just know — we have the six hundred sixty-sixth instinct (exaggerate).

it’s a vicious cycle. i know it’s like you could never breathe again, think again, love again, find someone else better. you can’t sleep or you cried yourself to sleep. you could cry while you’re driving. you could cry just in the middle of nothing.

but let it go. it is true that you shouldn’t bitch. you shouldn’t crawl back. you should just move on. you should just let go. but during that period of doing so… i know it’s hard. like there could never be sunshine again.

but there will be.

there will be.

but you have to work hard.

for yourself.

only you.

even if you have the whole army supporting you, it never actually really starts, if it didn’t come from you first.


though some people still deserve it… and it’s utterly delicious to carry it out. haha.


it’s a very busy schedule for S daily even though she looks like she is not doing anything at all.

then again, ‘busy’ is an understatement. more to hectic.

in work, in personal life, in family and last but never the least — in cats.

are things beginning to prosper?
one can never tell — not even yours truly.

rumour has it S is in a relationship. but where art thou is the beau?

you really have to be careful of what you wish for. you want a husband, you will get it, along with other things that you do not want that comes with this package called ‘husband’. in a way, i find that my life has not changed 360 degrees, not even a full ten degrees to begin with. it’s not even a matter of too-early-to-say when things have been fast forwarded already, but it does remained to be materialized.

well… good luck, S.

wedding plans

i could not compromised on this one. i must have daniel zain. and because of him, yes, i would plan my wedding around his schedule.

he takes the pictures just like any other shots in anybody’s camera — only he executes it better, of course. there’s no pretentious. it’s exactly like his third word — you.

and so i must have him.

p/s: daniel, nak banyak gambar comolot tau.

+ + +


pelamin, pelamin, pelamin.

flower jungle? ohhh, i don’t know.

flowers — maybe those japanese orchids. it reminds me of casperoha. i don’t think i want lilies now, their scent is overwhelming. ohhh, i don’t know — back to dais, please.

simple? petite? elongating?

i do not want my mother’s haus to turned into Ground Zero. it will be at a hall, or a ballroom, or the masjid.

+ + +

hair. down. hair down. absolutely.

i don’t want to look back at my wedding photos and see that i looked older than while i’m flipping through ten years later.

+ + +

nooo cupcakes.

cupcakes are prohibited.

muffins or doughnuts.

use sugar efficiently, please.

+ + +

the cake.

like stanford’s and anthony’s in SATC 2.

ha ha ha.

+ + +

dancers, silat performers, whatever.

can i have a choir singing queen’s i was born to love you instead?

tapi tu buat sebagai surprise. for me. somebody kena bagitau the groom in advance, please.

+ + +

do i need to get a wedding planner?

perlu ke?

just someone to have the detailed check list, throw me the ideas and asked whether i want to do this or not, what are my other options, bla bla bla.

+ + +

bridesmaid to get balenciaga.

tahun ni memang banyak kali aku revise the list.

ade elimination, ade comeback.

and i won’t necessarily returned the favour.

+ + +

as of right now, i want a simple wedding. tak nak overwhelming.

just a nice one yang mencukupi dan selesa.

is this because i’m getting old — i am feeling old right now — tak ade energy to get crafty and creative and whatever?

+ + +


kena start cari gambar-gambar sopan.

gambar beli barang-barang dapur kat giant. gambar bawak kucing pegi vet. gambar bawakkan beg laptop mama dari parking lot ke office.

nak buat ke slideshow? tak payah lah. aku private lives. very johnny depp kat france. what i have in mind is shots from favourite chic lit movies. something to enlighten, to breathe new sparks, stuffs like that.

okey, itu slideshow. ini video.

i’ll keep it in the mental storage for now.

this is my heart talking bullsh*t

i can sit and wait for you to finish what you’re doing. with blythe.

when my cousin told me his future wife loves him to the point she won’t let even a mosquito bit him, i raised my eyebrow to that. i don’t think i’d ever be like his future wife, let alone finding someone worth loving like that. but now there’s you, and i absolutely understand what she feels.

it’s weird but it’s true. i can feel you, and smell you.

i can really feel you reaching out after you tightened that scarf. smile, palm on cheek, scruff of your gruff. embrace.

remember when i did the quiet evening? i smelt you. even though i never knew how you smell. you were so there.

and when i’m crying uncontrollably last night, it feels home to just sit on your lap. and the way you wrapped your arms around me, like nothing could reach me, let alone hurt me.

i closed my eyes and leaned on you. you sighed, asking, “can we just be like this forever?”

i smiled. but alas, i had to answer, “apparently, we can’t, darling.”

this is crazy.

– – –

dear heart, you wanted this ride again, don’t you? i must have love you so much or i love me, i don’t know, brain haven’t decided it for me — being that i’ve been listening to it this whole time (and i never realized it, until you cried). i love you, heart, so much, that i’m taking this ride with you, walking along with you because i am scared of how much you can take, even though we both know, and especially you know, how sick this could be, only HE Foresees. but only with HIM, that we would be safe, there’s nothing that happened, happens, will happen to us that we could not handle, HE Promised that. but we are both scared of how hurtful it can be, i know, heart, which this is just the reason why i am with you. just so we know and especially you, heart, after this, we won’t be walking down this road again. please promise me that. i’m so sorry i kept you away, wallowing with what i denied. i’m so sorry i took you away from his hands. i never knew how much you actually yearned for him. i’m really sorry.

it’s just gonna be here, and ends here

i’ve (almost) packed for penang. except for the unmentionables, the toiletries and such. clothes-wise, i’m almost checked. and i must bring along the coffee kit.

i may start blogging like mad again, after such an unpredictable hiatus — oh, look, she’s blogging again. and i really don’t want to end up like ATP, only HE knows why he pulled the plug. i guess if i chose the other path i might pull off everything but i really hope i won’t. not entirely for attention, but i really like it here, this darn virtual world, where i can just dumped everything and move on.

i’ve hit a few marks, i realized, that not each time i will run to M, though endlessly listening he is, i realized that there are times (lately) that i wouldn’t even be screaming his name to begin with — that’s what i usually do to begin my emotional dumping and he will drop everything, just like that.

let’s just go shit around.

– – –

dear suraya,

there was one this gentleman you know, who would pointlessly look at every possible angle of a picture, trying to figure out how you look like, though that picture was a picture of a sky you took from the passenger seat and the only other thing in the picture than the sky was the reflection of the bag on your lap.

there was one this gentleman you know, who never knew the meaning of his name but he Google-d the meaning of yours.

there was one this gentleman you know, who at every single adventure, happiness and enthusiasm, reminds you of him. and only him.

there was one this gentleman you know, who would patiently tells you everything he knew as long as he knows it can calms you down.

– – –

and all of a sudden i’m sad. it gets me.

kenapa tiba-tiba sebak ni? have i really been keeping it so deep inside? have i really hid it far away so that it didn’t … well, it didn’t get this way?

i just wanted to type this so that i know there was once a gentleman i know… a gentleman i knew.

and now i am just crying and crying.

i really can’t believe how hard i’m crying right now. it’s as if like, i just came to terms of someone’s death.

and realized something.

– – –

suraya, i’m really sorry. i never knew how much you’ve kept this to yourself. and that you finally came to terms, that this happines is just gonna be here, and ends here.

– – –

this is really me talking to myself.

i was not quoting anyone, not even M.