dorota: miss blair, are you drunk?

i really am phenomenal when it comes to self-endorphing. play me all the favourite songs, let it seeps in, and i really dance like no one’s watching.

those consuming alcohol chugged like… i don’t know, i just see them keep coming. and exactly like that, i keep being endorphed. endlessly. song after song. and when you have a good party with you, you’re firework. and a small party we were, but good things do come in small packages, no?

mula-mula a malu-malu crazy b*tch lea. lepas tu a very, very, very crazy b*tch.

thank you for putting me up that stage. i couldn’t stop laughing at how silly i was then. but it was hella fun.

despite that i broke up with the girls, there are things they said that i still carry around. shoobs knows me that i just needed someone to say hi or smile at me, then only will i actually looked friendly and approachable with the way i responded.

the girls always reminded me to stop appearing rigid and quiet. i am actually this girl who’s interesting and very, very fun to be with. start with a smile. and then just keep smiling.

when i was in the car and being sort of ‘briefed’ … there is no that heavy feeling like i used to have. it has became, its whether i want it or not. i can pull this off, but it goes down only to whether i want it or not. that’s all.

and there was that very important lesson from that movie Yes Man. you only gotta say yes, no matter how automatically often you’d said no before.

then again, without the missing links — fuck it, well just go! — or having that good party, or a strong pair of hands pushing me forward, i wouldn’t really start.

but once i started…

theres the crazy b*tch.

it was a blast.

the office anniversary dinner.

they hardly see this part of me, of course. and when they did, they went —

“are you drunk? you sure you didn’t drink? did you drink when we weren’t watching?”

i was really overwhelmed. i would have stand on my toes and kiss the boss on the cheek as our photo is taken. but i chose to run around the wine rume hugging bridg, mel, and ceel. and they went, “seriously, this is Sue? what happened to you? are you okay?”

and then hugging shoobs. besides everyone else in the rume, she is the biggest mentor, the one yang aku paling banyak menyusahkan, the avid listener and when she’s boisterous, she’s full of it.

i wasn’t drinking, i was just… overwhelmed. even the boss was laughing and laughing when we talked. my guess is that he never thought he’d get this out of me.

it took me some time to discard the overwhelmation and i spaced out a bit and had to asked them to repeat what were they saying about me. -_-“)

good times, though.

totally.

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spotted

it’s a very busy schedule for S daily even though she looks like she is not doing anything at all.

then again, ‘busy’ is an understatement. more to hectic.

in work, in personal life, in family and last but never the least — in cats.

are things beginning to prosper?
one can never tell — not even yours truly.

rumour has it S is in a relationship. but where art thou is the beau?

you really have to be careful of what you wish for. you want a husband, you will get it, along with other things that you do not want that comes with this package called ‘husband’. in a way, i find that my life has not changed 360 degrees, not even a full ten degrees to begin with. it’s not even a matter of too-early-to-say when things have been fast forwarded already, but it does remained to be materialized.

well… good luck, S.

wedding plans

i could not compromised on this one. i must have daniel zain. and because of him, yes, i would plan my wedding around his schedule.

he takes the pictures just like any other shots in anybody’s camera — only he executes it better, of course. there’s no pretentious. it’s exactly like his third word — you.

and so i must have him.

p/s: daniel, nak banyak gambar comolot tau.

+ + +

pelamin.

pelamin, pelamin, pelamin.

flower jungle? ohhh, i don’t know.

flowers — maybe those japanese orchids. it reminds me of casperoha. i don’t think i want lilies now, their scent is overwhelming. ohhh, i don’t know — back to dais, please.

simple? petite? elongating?

i do not want my mother’s haus to turned into Ground Zero. it will be at a hall, or a ballroom, or the masjid.

+ + +

hair. down. hair down. absolutely.

i don’t want to look back at my wedding photos and see that i looked older than while i’m flipping through ten years later.

+ + +

nooo cupcakes.

cupcakes are prohibited.

muffins or doughnuts.

use sugar efficiently, please.

+ + +

the cake.

like stanford’s and anthony’s in SATC 2.

ha ha ha.

+ + +

dancers, silat performers, whatever.

can i have a choir singing queen’s i was born to love you instead?

tapi tu buat sebagai surprise. for me. somebody kena bagitau the groom in advance, please.

+ + +

do i need to get a wedding planner?

perlu ke?

just someone to have the detailed check list, throw me the ideas and asked whether i want to do this or not, what are my other options, bla bla bla.

+ + +

bridesmaid to get balenciaga.

tahun ni memang banyak kali aku revise the list.

ade elimination, ade comeback.

and i won’t necessarily returned the favour.

+ + +

as of right now, i want a simple wedding. tak nak overwhelming.

just a nice one yang mencukupi dan selesa.

is this because i’m getting old — i am feeling old right now — tak ade energy to get crafty and creative and whatever?

+ + +

video.

kena start cari gambar-gambar sopan.

gambar beli barang-barang dapur kat giant. gambar bawak kucing pegi vet. gambar bawakkan beg laptop mama dari parking lot ke office.

nak buat ke slideshow? tak payah lah. aku private lives. very johnny depp kat france. what i have in mind is shots from favourite chic lit movies. something to enlighten, to breathe new sparks, stuffs like that.

okey, itu slideshow. ini video.

i’ll keep it in the mental storage for now.

this is my heart talking bullsh*t

i can sit and wait for you to finish what you’re doing. with blythe.

when my cousin told me his future wife loves him to the point she won’t let even a mosquito bit him, i raised my eyebrow to that. i don’t think i’d ever be like his future wife, let alone finding someone worth loving like that. but now there’s you, and i absolutely understand what she feels.

it’s weird but it’s true. i can feel you, and smell you.

i can really feel you reaching out after you tightened that scarf. smile, palm on cheek, scruff of your gruff. embrace.

remember when i did the quiet evening? i smelt you. even though i never knew how you smell. you were so there.

and when i’m crying uncontrollably last night, it feels home to just sit on your lap. and the way you wrapped your arms around me, like nothing could reach me, let alone hurt me.

i closed my eyes and leaned on you. you sighed, asking, “can we just be like this forever?”

i smiled. but alas, i had to answer, “apparently, we can’t, darling.”

this is crazy.

– – –

dear heart, you wanted this ride again, don’t you? i must have love you so much or i love me, i don’t know, brain haven’t decided it for me — being that i’ve been listening to it this whole time (and i never realized it, until you cried). i love you, heart, so much, that i’m taking this ride with you, walking along with you because i am scared of how much you can take, even though we both know, and especially you know, how sick this could be, only HE Foresees. but only with HIM, that we would be safe, there’s nothing that happened, happens, will happen to us that we could not handle, HE Promised that. but we are both scared of how hurtful it can be, i know, heart, which this is just the reason why i am with you. just so we know and especially you, heart, after this, we won’t be walking down this road again. please promise me that. i’m so sorry i kept you away, wallowing with what i denied. i’m so sorry i took you away from his hands. i never knew how much you actually yearned for him. i’m really sorry.

this princess stepped on her pumpkin

where are you when i needed you the most?

right now, right now…

i want to feel special

every little need is met and every little demand is entertained.

nothing i speak is the truth now. every little detail is manipulated.

just like you when you are with me.

we are here purely for companion and pleasure.

so i need you right now, right now.

because i want to feel like the princess that you love to spoiled.

and i will not hesitate even for a beat if you asked me again to come away with you.

right now.

that certain misery. i will swapped now for uncertain happiness.

i kinda lost it. or i am lost. in men, in girls. i lost it in both. did i demand so much? perhaps maybe so.

where do happy girls go when they are sad?

they go to their private playground where they took their shoes off and put on their tutus.

hai, saya hanya ingin awak tahu

i promise i will never do this again. it’s like that same time when i realized that i don’t need any man at my birthday when i have all my bridesmaids with me. i don’t need any fiction to get lost into. everything is inside my head. so i’m going to publish this, thinking that it would be different than what i used to do.

another thing — at times, my blogging is easily influenced by the current person’s blog that i frequent at the moment. this is one of it.

it was weird. when i passed by certain places, i always thought about bumping into him. unlike what i used to do, i didn’t do any background check on him. i took in what is already in front of me. i didn’t turned any stone or peek behind the curtains to get to know more about him.

but somehow, i felt, that it’s possible i could bumped into him at certain places i’m passing by. and i imagined that he saw me from across the other side and wished he could get close to me quick enough to introduce himself.

and eventually, between the throngs of people, he saw me wandering alone, stopped at somewhere to admire something, and it gave him ample time to walked up to me and say, “hey.” and i would looked at him, took a moment, soaked it in, and finally gushed his name with a smile. and he is already smiling back, the gentle soul that he is.

hey.

isn’t that what i’ve always imagined him to say?

funny, i’ve always imagined that i would bumped into him.

the azubirian kids had a party last night and went home the next day

the day before yesterday, i realized i did girly stuffs with my cousins.

we went to a pharmacy and spent twenty minutes choosing a hair colour after we decided to get our hair coloured together, while dba ran around the premise replenishing her toiletries needs.

we got back to the flat and had our hair coloured, went to a party, strolled along the night market looking for flops and dba bought a cocktail ring, got back home and watched a sappy romance movie.