they’re going through hell tonight

on the third night in penang, on the way back from kepala batas with the happiest and blissful thoughts i’ve ever had in all my twenty-seven Eids, azmie broke it with two words, “eh, gaduh…”

mum awoke immediately from her slumber at hearing them and she panicked, telling us to lock the already locked doors of ms lilac.

we saw someone full of rage, kicking with all his might to an unseen victim. when we passed in front of them, we saw someone already KO on the sidewalk, cradled by his three waling friends. azmie said he saw the skull cracked and dripped blood.

and i thought, theyre going through hell tonight.

kesian. immigrants. born with hardship in life. merantau ke negara orang. nak cari rezeki untuk hidup lebih selesa sedikit. tapi, malam ni they are going through hell. kena sepak terajang. pasti kena ugut lepas dimaki hamun. meratap tengok kawan kena bantai sampai tak sedar diri. lagi histeria tengok darah. nak fikirkan macam-macam. nyawa, duit yang seperti tak tercapai dalam tangan. hendak merayu, menagih, mengadu pada siapa?

kemudian kes arwah dato’ sosilawati. setelah melalui pahit jerih hidup, akhirnya dapat hidup selesa dengan harta yang dikumpul. rumah besar, kereta mewah, pendidikan yang baik untuk anak-anak. semua yang dapat diberikan untuk menjamin masa depan yang cerah.

tapi, bertemu dengan someone yang full of greed, ditambah dengan tanpa hati perutnya itu — keempat-empat mereka dipukul, ditikam, dibunuh dan dibakar. kalau tengok lelaki kena sepak terajang pun menyayat hati, apetah lagi perempuan yang kena. just the same thoughts of mine, they went through hell that night.

a sheltered life?

a thousand thoughts per minute

If you are at first lonely, be patient.
If you’ve not been alone much, or if when you were you were not okay with it, then just wait.
You’ll find it’s fine to be alone once you’re embracing it.

We can start with the acceptable places — the bathroom, the coffee shop, the library, where you can stall and read the paper, where you can get your caffeine fix and sit and stay there.
Where you can browse the stacks and smell the books, you’re not suppose to talk much anyway so it’s safe there.
There is also the gym — if you’re shy, you can hang out with yourself and mirrors, you can put headphones in.
There’s public transportation — we all gotta go places.
And there’s prayer and mediation, no one will think less if you’re hanging with your breath seeking peace and salvation.

Start simple.
Things you may have previously avoided based on avoid-being-alone principles.

The lunch counter, where you will be surrounded by “chow downers”, employees who only have an hour and their spouse works across town, and they, like you, will be alone.
Resist the urge to hang out with your cell phone.
When you are comfortable with “eat lunch and run”, take yourself out to dinner to a restaurant with linen and silver wear.
You’re no less an intriguing a person when you are eating solo desert and cleaning the whip cream from the dish with your finger.
In fact, some people at full tables will wish they were where you were.

Go to the movies.
Where it’s dark and soothing, alone in your seat amidst fleeting community.

And then take yourself out dancing, to a club where no one knows you, stand on the outside of the floor until the lights convince you more and more and the music shows you.
Dance like no one’s watching because they are probably not.
And if they are, assume it is with best human intentions.
The way bodies move genuinely move to beats, after-all, is gorgeous and affecting.
Dance till you’re sweating.
And beads of perspiration remind you of life’s best things.
Down your back, like a book of blessings.

Go to the woods alone, and the trees and squirrels will watch for you.
Go to an unfamiliar city, roam the streets, they are always statues to talk to, and benches made for sitting gives strangers a shared existence if only for a minute, these moments can be so uplifting and the conversation you get in by sitting alone on benches, might of never happened had you not been there by yourself.

Society is afraid of alone though.
Like lonely hearts are wasting away in basements.
Like people must have problems if after awhile no one is dating them.
But lonely is a freedom that breathes easy and weightless, and lonely is healing if you make it.
You can stand swaffed by groups and mobs and hands with your partner, look both further and farther in the endless quest for company.
But no one is in your head.
And by the time you translate your thoughts, an essence of them maybe lost or perhaps it is just kept.
Perhaps in the interest of loving oneself, perhaps all those sappy slogans from pre-school over to high school groaning, we’re tokens for holding the lonely at bay.
Cause if you’re happy in your head, and solitude is blessed, and alone is okay.
It’s okay if no one believes like you, all experiences are unique, no one has the same synopsis can’t think like you, this me/ be ?, keeps things interesting, life’s magic things ?, and it doesn’t mean you aren’t connected, the community is not present, just take back to you get from being one person in one head and feel the effects of it.
Take silence and respect it, if you have an art that needs practice stop neglecting it, if your family doesn’t get you or a religious sect is not meant for you, don’t obsess about it.
You could be in an instant surrounded if you need it, if your heart is bleeding, make the best of it, there is heat and freezing be a testimate.

how to be alone by tanya davis

i guess some parts are missing or incorrect… i just like this as a guide. i’ve always like being alone, having all the time and spaces all to myself. but right now, heart is so aching for someone a few thousand miles apart, thinking that, i want to do all of the above with him. something different, where everything that is familiar to me changed to something unknown, but i just can’t wait to take it all in. and taking it all in with that one particular person — who, with only the simplest things he does, makes me smile a thousand mega-watt smile.

bitching for no apparent reason

i was looking at some pictures… and i can’t stop myself from wishing, “please let her stay fat… please, please, please… please don’t ever let her slim down… ever.”

and then orang lain pun akan curse aku, “please let her stay single… please, please, please… please don’t ever let her get married before me… at least…”

ha ha ha ~

ini sebab dah cantik sikit lea ni, dah nak riak orang lain semua buruk. sejak ade bangs — keje buta pukul 2 pagi — memang mendapat sambutan positif dari orang ramai. kira kalau rambut depan baru aku ni diibaratkan filem, positive reviews habis-habisan lea. aku buat point macam ni sebab memang best sangat lea suessy dengan potongan rambut begini. sampai boleh disamakan dengan evelyn salt gitu. dari country manager sampai veterinarian pun suka. pelbagai bangsa also — cina, melayu, india dan switzerland. siap diorang ingat the bangs were done professionally. hah!

tapi tu lah. aku rasa cam… hmm… orang lain semua… tak cantik. diamati survived sebab make up, sebab seksi, sebab… kau kaya (ini mak aku yang cakap). cuba kalau tak ade elemen tu… survived au naturale?

haizzz… aku ni masih lagi dentally-challenged — yang segelintir kenalan maki hamun kata aku langsung tak perlukan braces — eczema di kaki masih berbaki, kening dengan upper lip dah lama tak threading, badan semakin melebar… tapi aku pun survived. dengan compact powder untuk mengemaskan complexion. dan mengharapkan tulang kening yang prominent meng-semulajadikan pembentukan kening. dan of kross — my l’oréal eyeliner and mascara. every person akan terus cakap aku pakai bulu mata palsu. yes!

oh ya. selalu lupa nak taruk gincu. suka lip balm dan lip gloss je. tapi selalu kena lecture dengan mama dan shoobs sebab tak taruk gincu.

“bagi lea warna sikit!”

for moi, i like the wet lips. inviting, seducing, kissable-ing. ha ha ha ~

i’ve always said that make up is about highlighting my features. not to paint my face. it scares the hell out of me that (1) my husband will walk away once i took off the make up, (2) that i look totally different with or without make up, and (3) that i have to have to put on make up before i go out, even to attend to those people yang membuat bancian. in that order. that’s effin’ exhausting.

and then… and then… *boleh nak perasan lagi* — semenjak potongan rambut yang mendapat sambutan dan gelaran maskarakuin dari shoobs — membariskan diri sendiri dengan jennifer aniston dan cameron diaz. tak boleh blah. sebab kami ini semulajadi cantik, minimal make up saja perlu. dan single. masih belum berkahwin. prospect pun tak ade. tidak mengapa, kau sebaris A-list starlets — takbolehblah!

*but cameron d is seeing someone, kan? i recalled an item from yahoo! omg!*

but then bila tengok knight and day, cameron d dah nampak tua dowh. kalau takde make-up muka sure tak kemas. itu lea roha dah start suruh look into botox. the end is near… ha ha ha ~

+ + +

so i was looking at some pictures… and i realized that i don’t get those stabbing pains in the heart anymore. i can look at the pictures and not feel anything.

*lagi faktor yang menggalakan riak ini haizzz -_-“)*

i’m okay.

another factor that make me ever more confident — see, sebenarnya bukan riak. ini adalah a natural french girls’ trait dalam diri aku *oh sila pengsan sekarang* — are, le girlfriends.

aku nak turun tangga and in my sights i noticed this model-tall gal yang nak naik tangga but she’s on my way… aku ke kiri, dia pun sama dan ikut rentak aku ke kanan… rupa-rupanya the wedding planner. bila aku realized dia sape, terus gelak-gelak dapat kenakan aku.

*please note that when i exclaimed setanataushut up“, theyre not meant or in the same tone when i sayfuckerrrorfuck you“. ever.

jujurnya *quoting nazznazirah*, i’m always on the lookout for along-z(ee)z(ee) every time i arrived lrt. always. gembira dapat tengok a familiar face, a girlfriend, before you go to work. because girls just make you happy and all giggly. it always does. i guess some are not very much a morning person or a talkative person, it doesn’t matter to me — i could only relate it to how much one needs their “me” time inside the train, probably it’s the only time they have for themselves throughout the day anyway.

and bila along-z(ee)z(ee)  playfully tugged my hair, aku pun nak manja-manja exaggeratingly teleng kepala ikut arah tangan along-z(ee)z(ee) tarik my hair. suka. suka tengok dia yang stylish. matching striking colours that i could never think it would ever work but it does on her and for her. you know how some people dressed themselves really reflects their personality, like nazznazirah for instance — that is along-z(ee)z(ee). absolutely.

and for someone like her, tall and thin like that — one would (that is moi) may deemed her as timid or shy. but she’s all confident. no nonsense. tapi suka camwhore dan be gorgeous. aktif dan lasak nak mampos not ever a blair like moi would want to step in — takpelah, lain kali. i’ve always said my mother is ultraathletic but it never goes down to me — because me, i am the cheerleader. ha ha ha ~

so girlfriends make me happy, confident and feel all warm and pleasant and content. dropping a call or e-mailing…  ideas are shared along with naughty and nasty joke of the day, affectionate name-calling and bitching and problems talked and sorted. and even though you are not getting married yet, a girl will always enjoy the process and to be able to share the day is an honour, always.

which comes to wani ardy. i never thought she would always have me on her mind. like when she invited me for the breaking fast. and to her engagement. she made me do something i would never wanted to do — to come alone. i was not close to them… this is the crowd that i pulled myself away… because of what i did that made me sooo segan with them. tapi diorang okay je, takde hal. paling un-judgmental people i have ever met.

but this thing that has made me from wani’s simple invitations — of coming alone — is practically a milestone. i would have never want to do it but i did anyways. i survived *hezzz, cliché*. and now she has already pre-invited moi, along with informing the theme colours and being part of her big day. me, in her personal invite list, along with all the other girls who have known her forever and closer to her like the next person… like i am totally guffawed when i read her message. giiileah!

wani ardy has been like the missing link among each other, the one that brought us all together… even though she’s far away or wherever she is but when she sees you, she will text you about your new hair (again its the hair, dan masa itu pun ade bangs tapi dengan rambut bob ngehehe), or just dropped something amusing that made your day.

so here… i have all these girls along with jasmine, suerie, bella, ikim… the cashmere mafias, juez, nazz, eda and abby, farsha and her sisters, dira-chan and angelaira… who, simply accepted my quirkiness, my eccentricity, my antics with no questions asked, no contradictions, no snappy remarks, no subconscious-mind assumptions, no must-have-boyfriend-as-solutions-to-life — what they do is they celebrate me.

thank you, loves. thank you. sooo much.

nota kaki: i hope shanny tak jual baju aku since dah nak masuk lima bulan aku tak ambik baju-baju hantar last time. one of them is baju bridesmaid untuk wedding huda. memang kena penggal kepala lea kalau baju tu dalam tangan orang lain.

there were, some best lines mentioned during our cherating trip —

on the road, with a bottle of annusyrah drinking water

nurlin: huda, kau tak boleh minum air ni… nanti kau terbakar.
huda: kau minum dulu. kalau kau tak terbakar, confirm aku pun takkan terbakar.

+ + +

at the villa, getting ready for dinner

moi: i can never leave the haus without makeup now.
huda: is it like when you speak malay, you will look stupid?

+ + +

at the beach, nurlin and huda burying their feet into the sands. the waves was a nuisance.

huda: aiii, kenape ni? aku tak boleh nak tanam kaki aku.
roha: habis lea kau, huda — tanah tak nak terima kau.

+ + +

i realized, that i keep on browsing and surfing and go back to my work, checked my inbox, checked my facebook, back to surfing, back to inbox, facebook, work, trying to find articles i could read online; something wholesome so i go to nymag.com; the only site i could think of… and trying to recall as many online blogs as i can, wanting to buy something new for a glorious occasion. it’s been a while.

the brain’s dead tired and keep yawning but the eyes keep awake like it has a life on its own and here i am, typing away. i think what i want to say out loud is too long and not really self-explanatory if i just tweet and too controversial to put on facebook. but here goes, aku rasa lately,

currently, selera aku is european men.

there. european, okay. memang aku boleh berhenti bersembang atau teruskan bersembang (jika perlu) while multitasking watching that caucasion man (or men) who is (orare“, apply accordingly) passing by. oui.

excited, yeah. tapi tak seteruk dulu masa dengan chap — terkinja-kinja. ntah ape akan jadi lepas ni pun tak heran sangat. the golden rule always apply — if the guys wants it, he will go for it. another new golden rule — it’s not what he says or what he does to you, it’s whatever he’s doing and not doing when you are around. you are around. the point is, he’s there within your vicinity. he wants you to know he’s there.

somehow pun, rasa sangat… tak endah. tak mampu dan tak larat nak melayan. menyusahkan, memberatkan, merimaskan — bai bai bai.

dah tak heran telefon yang tak berdering 168 jam straight. campak phone ke mana pun takde hal. lagi penting kad touch-n-go. buat seketika bila dia start cuti, i just… want… to be… in a bubble. takde sapa dapat reach over, penetrate, spoil my thoughts. mahu seronok-seronok saja. lukis-lukis pelangi. ulang-ulang-ulang. and then buat seketika, bila sesuatu itu berlaku, terasa anticipation bila dia pulang dari cuti nanti. mesti overexcited. kelakar — dah lama tak berperasaan begini. agak nice, eh.

shoot. i still haven’t check out the french on youtubes.

vous les gars sont tous des connards.

mentally-tested faith

We’ll all get our happy ending someday.

This goes out to all of the people who have been broken, but have been strong enough to let go. For the people who have hurt so badly that they felt they could never love again, but kept their head up. For those who feel like going back to their old lover would put all the pieces back where they belong and everything would fit, but accept the cold hard truth instead. For the people that learn from their mistakes and never stop moving forward, even when they take two steps back. For the people that wish loneliness wasn’t part of them, but put up with it anyhow. For the people that are okay with taking up all of the room in the bed, even if sometimes it feels a little empty. For the people who wake up in the morning with no missed calls, but smile anyway. For the people that periodically miss the past, but are so much more excited for the future. For the people that have wounds still healing. For the people that have so much tied to their past relationship, but break those chains to start fresh. For the people that want to look back so badly, but focus on the road ahead. For the people that pick up the phone so tempted to call, but keep their dignity in tact instead. For the people that never wanted to let go, but had to. For the people that still believe in love, even after all of the hurt their heart has endured. For all the people that gave up not because they were weak, but because most times it’s better just to let go. We’ll all get our happy ending someday.

source