5054 (updated)

S might ruined her life yet again, in the manner of lindsay lohan.

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how are you?
my birthday’s coming and i’m pretty psyched about it.

what mountainous tasks you’re facing right now?
in short term would be, clearing my work backlog. and rearranged my wardrobe.

what do you plan to purchase next year — apparel-wise?
i need to update my inner wear. a matching bra and knicker set each month. and i need nu ballet flats, pumps, strappy heels and sandals. i will buy one pair each month so that at the end of the next year, i will have a dozen sets of matching inner wears, three pairs of ballet flats, three pairs of pumps, three pairs of strappy heels and three pairs of sandals.

what about investing in expensive handbag and doing facials? any commitment to the gym?
for now, those stuffs… i’ll leave it to the future husband.

people are wondering and asking about you and the rockstar journalist. what’s the story?
the story is… we’re budding friends.

the guy in your (facebook) profile picture?
seriously nobody knows who he is? he’s hafiz hatim!

who’s the future husband?
on the way, i think. or maybe it’s me who have yet to make it halfway. maybe he is the one waiting and i’m still figuring out how to read the map.

what’s the story with your girlfriends?
i don’t know. i think i was harsh. i was a pure bitch. i feel like staying away from everyone. not running away, just shrinking away. but if anyone passed by, smiles, says ‘hi’, i will returned it all. maybe not to certain people, for now i hate to do confrontations because i feel that it’s wasting my time. this is supposedly immature because it simply means that i am not looking at both sides and sulking away, obviously. but i just hate people right now. i lost it (faith, trust) in men, i lost it in girls too. i feel like, i don’t have friends. well, they are around but for now, i completely understand that i’m not being a good friend to them anyway, so… serves me right for being where i am right now if you can ever get what i mean. i’m just too tired. i think everyone’s tired too due to other obligations. but there are some sensitive topics you have to take care of right away. for instance, money. it’s a very sensitive subject that you need to address to promptly. even between flesh and blood you can go kill each other, what more between friends. so, when you feel like you had to arm-twist your friend to pay you back, and your friend said, “it’s just freakin’ 80 bucks!”. well, 80 bucks means the world to me, if its not much then pay me now. i hate to think of my friend this way, it’s not about the amount, it’s how your friend takes care of you the way you took care of your friend. and your friend have not so much text to inform when he’s gonna pay or what, like nothing, like your friend have no qualms about it at all.

so how many bridesmaids are you looking at right now?
(laughs) i used to have eight. i feel like they’re all the perfect combination. i severed ties with three of them already. one is in rekindling process. two is in the process of the-moment-of-truth, and one is, well, we’re getting tired of each other, i think. then again, by the time i get to get married, perhaps there’s none left because everyone’s already married too.

if there’s one who can write a short description in remembering you, who would you want to do it?
casperoha. i read KLUE’s 2010 annual 20 under 40 list and found them boring. most of them wrote in all high praises, it’s boring. there’s not much of a intriguing info for me to find out more about who is listed because the write up is too boring. this is what happened when it’s your bestie writing about you. casperoha is my bestie, but she delivers cold hard truth, to the point that i am always mentally prepared first before hearing to what she’s gonna say because truth always hurts, what more the cold hard ones. and she will always come up with a word i never thought would described me, but it kinda does, because she sees in me every angles and evaluate it against reality before she delivers her opinion. no one weights reality more than just-the-nice-things-your-friends-wanted-to-hear than casperoha. so yeah, i’d want her to write about me, and include the word ‘tenacious’ because that is the word i never thought would described me — that’s the one word she got to described me.

you really like to play with your hair, don’t you?
yup. it’s not a sure sign i like the guy. i just like my hair. a lot. it plays a vital part when i’m shocked — i would hold both ends and bring it to wrapped around my face. it became a signature act that most girlfriends pointed out to other people who just knew me when i’m doing it in front of them.

current favourite song(s)?
you know how soothing is the piano piece in republik’s hanya ingin kau tahu? i like it very much. and i feel like death’s very near to me or i keep remembering the dead, like, if the dead is still around, things would be… the song for that mood would be bloc party’s signs. i first heard that song from a gossip girl‘s episode on bart bass’ death. and since my birthday is coming around, i’m feeling marie antoinette  (i like new order’s ceremony as well) — in the interpretation by sofia coppola — i’m listening to the radio dept’s i don’t like it like this.

you’re going to be 27. sure still no prospect?
i am full of myself, wishful thinkings and aimless. i have no sure destination. i just know i want to be happy, that is simply enough after what i’ve been through because sometimes i just don’t dare to wish for more because i’m too scared to get hurt. regardless how much i’ve steeled away, i am still easily hurt and it is cast deep so it took some of my time, my energy, my feelings and i feel that those are wasted unnecessarily. the good thing i see from this is, i’m glad that i’m still human, i’m not an ice queen yet. and i’ve met enough guys to prove me right again and again. at the same time, they left me puzzled and perplexed. right until now, whatever the guy said, or mentioned, verbally or written, i’m not taking up on any of it unless he acted out the whole sentence — for a start. it’s a pity that men i’ve met have successfully materialized the phrase “talk is cheap”.
naturally i don’t think there’s anything wrong with me (haha).
… let’s just put it this way — we’re just not for each other. let’s just be neutral about it. ha ha.

shut up and pretend like you care

this is a damn delayed reaction.

i was offered this line to counter my tantrum —
“kau jangan terasa kalau kitorang tak ajak kau to join us to go bla, bla, bla…”

f-it. kalau girlfriend kau terasa, terasa lea. i was stupid to have accepted those as terms in order to keep the friendship and proved that i can improved for the better. to which i realized (this one earlier, not delayed) that i was the only one who did the changes. it wasn’t a two-way thing.

you see, to me, a guy can lie, can cheat, can treat you like shit — but not a girlfriend. but when a girlfriend does that to you, you can be sure as hell to break up with her just like when you break up with a guy.

“eiii. tak baik kau buat macam tu. itu kawan kau, tau. nanti macam mana bila orang lain buat macam tu kat kau?”

in the first place, i will not treat someone the way i do not want myself to be treated.


because you talked to an azubirian like that — you get snubbed.

+ in the voice of a la Gossip Girl +

it’s a pretty agonizing day for S to go through but her ever attentive white knight kept her company, showering endless affections and pretty pictures. S took in her consolation at the stats of her private playground visits. it doesn’t only came from the source she planted, but a few others who have linked her elsewhere and clickers came to read another one of those wrathful entries which S cursed a lot, naturally.

and more profoundly, visitors just knew which link to click, which account to be referred to — albeit protected.

whether or not this is another bridge to burn — which S can simply do it in her sleep, especially unto those who could be off balance about something one never even had to start with — she has yet to comment any further. she just can’t help herself to pulling  a few teasing strings, though — all of a sudden, she just knows how to play this game.

but why waste time playing games or settling an argument when there are more things going on in life? unless you can prove S is wrong — then she would be interested to meet you and settle this… maturedly. if it is that called for.

who does S thinks she is? who do you think you are, summoning S to meet as you please, just because she naturally cursed a lot when she’s in wrath. weren’t you saying the mother-fourletterword-ing too?

in the meantime, enjoy being snubbed. not that you don’t need it anyway. you now have all the time in the world to ensure a much stronger connection. a total S-proof bond.

read, and tell the world about it

Hey Suraya, how are you? I’ve seen u have gotten quite friendly with — since, on FB and Twitter. I would like to let you know that I’m uneasy about that You know, i like him and I wish you couldn’t interfere My chances are not high at all but yet I’m very sincere and it took me months to develop a good repotoire with him, personally and professionally. I’m threatened, that obvious. but i hope u understand how much i dislike most of your gestures in getting close to him, you don’t even know him. I know you have my best intention at heart, but that’s not what girl friends do. Frankly, i don’t even like it when u add him up on FB in the 1st place. I’ve told many of my girls bout him n none doing things u do. I hope you’d understand. But if you choose to ignore my msg, go on, you have the right to whatever u feel like doing in the world. Have a good day. Thank you.

i don’t feel like saying samasama — i don’t feel like thanking. i didn’t have a good day. i cried all evening to someone a thousand miles away, as he, with no questions asked took my baggage away. i choose not to ignore your message. i do understand but this is fucking shitty. what’s the relation of me with your girls — i say it’s irrelevant. whatever they want to do, what’s your jurisdiction on what they want to do — are you their mommy? frankly, it never hits me how much you like this guy until i heard you freaked out. i do have your best intentions at heart, i naturally mentioned you when i introduced myself — that’s what girlfriends do. yes i don’t even know him, that’s why i want to get to know him. i don’t want to get close to him but you should put some reservations that fate has its own way to twist the turn of events. why would you be threatened when you seems to know him better than me — you had months ahead of me and both professional and personal repertoire built already and… and… you are sincere at that! — but now, that sincerity is questionable. sincerity and spite don’t exist on the same page what more in one SMS. you’re taking chances, you should know there’s risks of competition, frustrations, failures but why’d someone like you let those get in the way — not someone like you… that i know. consider me interfering — heh, who mentioned that he and i would make a great couple when i told you we’re as different as night and day — but were both great writers, aren’t we? i would like to know how uneasy are you feeling now — fucking fucked up already? who fucked who? it’s you who fucked yourself. get a grip. get a fucking grip. you’re not his girlfriend. you’re not his fucking official girlfriend. with everything that you know of him that i DONT’ EVEN KNOW HIM, you are way ahead of me. you’re fucking over-reacting. i will keep getting friendly with him, not to spite you but because i want to.

but guess what —
i have other things happening in my life right now. i’m over the moon altimet would even tweet with me. one of my girlfriends who i think the world of, commented i’m looking prettier, which made my day. i have someone who complained i always left too early for him to say a proper goodbye to me i can’t believe he’s missing me that much. my kitten is dying with all its internal organs shutting down but she’s standing, she’s walking, she’s mewing and she’s eating — even the doc don’t want to consider euthanising her — tell me how it breaks my heart and how painful that last visit to the vet on eve ramadhan while everyone else performs their tarawih — even the doc said she will always remember this date. this morning one of my girlfriends lost her job — the job that she poured her heart out, taking care of everyone’s interest but herself, she’s the driver, the navigator, the manager, the planner, the caretaker — but everyone else around her fucking took her for fucking granted — you tell me how breakable and heart-wrenching is that knowing your girlfriend is being treated this way by others.

on top of this all, i’m welcoming ramadhan in tears — the one thing i look forward to but wtf an SMS i received from my girlfriend this afternoon. and i’m typing each word — because this is how much you mean to me. and don’t fucking hey me in that tone. i told you that you’ve been up in the air for quite some time.

mentally-tested faith

We’ll all get our happy ending someday.

This goes out to all of the people who have been broken, but have been strong enough to let go. For the people who have hurt so badly that they felt they could never love again, but kept their head up. For those who feel like going back to their old lover would put all the pieces back where they belong and everything would fit, but accept the cold hard truth instead. For the people that learn from their mistakes and never stop moving forward, even when they take two steps back. For the people that wish loneliness wasn’t part of them, but put up with it anyhow. For the people that are okay with taking up all of the room in the bed, even if sometimes it feels a little empty. For the people who wake up in the morning with no missed calls, but smile anyway. For the people that periodically miss the past, but are so much more excited for the future. For the people that have wounds still healing. For the people that have so much tied to their past relationship, but break those chains to start fresh. For the people that want to look back so badly, but focus on the road ahead. For the people that pick up the phone so tempted to call, but keep their dignity in tact instead. For the people that never wanted to let go, but had to. For the people that still believe in love, even after all of the hurt their heart has endured. For all the people that gave up not because they were weak, but because most times it’s better just to let go. We’ll all get our happy ending someday.


hormonal rage (updated)

there’s some sheer excitement and newness upon purchasing a brand new timepiece.

suessy sekarang bukan suessy yang lama
suessy sekarang sudah pakai jam tangan baru

i love to make a statement like that when i have something new in the manner of one of my mentor bloggers, mat jan
mat jan sekarang bukan lagi mat jan yang lama
mat jan sekarang sudah pakai desktop/laptop/kamera/etc baru

i have been telling myself to get a dainty bracelet watch to mark my age, to shashay the wrist elegantly at dinners, weddings upon wearing it with delicate dresses.

there’s nothing wrong with leather straps, of course but i want to indulge in what anysz says of moi, “you are actually the girly-girly type, suessy. i cannot imagine you anything else.”

the first solvil of mine with that kitten picture dial is being sent off for studs replacement, straps changing and glass polishing and it’ll be another two months before i see it again.
my second solvil — ^-^ — is this braid silver chains with gigantic 3 and 9 on its white dial.

think i’m always a solvil babe.
tak mampu lagi titus lea, dude
soon (^-^)

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i want to go ice skating.

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if it is not made easy, it is not what i want.

looking on the bright side, i believe that i get to know better and better type of people. maybe he’s missing this or he’s missing that. but they’re getting better. i know i’ll get to him eventually.

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of course, do not feel bad if you are not included or not thought of when you think of  them all the time or wanting to include them in your most important days of your lives.

nooo, do not feel bad. even when they’re four against yourself. easy for them to say jangan fikir into it sangat. eaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasy.

besides, they don’t really know you when they think they know enough and is always ready to promptly judge you as if they can see through you when you are the one who sees clearly right through them and you never judge them when they’re offtrack. in fact, you were always the solid shoulder. and always patiently explained yourself to them.

i am crazy to be taking so much into consideration about them. it’s so fucked up.

it is to the point that bila aku nak kahwin nanti, aku terus hantar kad je. i won’t bother about sharing how-we-first-met stories.

if i can do that to men, i can do that to girls too.

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for the first time after some time, some guy said “love you” to moi.

previously i thought that was the easiest thing to say. later i found out it took a hell lot of internal commitment and conflict for a guy to eventually say those words.

looking at the circumstances, the above does not applies. not for someone like him. semua perkataan-perkataan sebegitu sangat mudah dilontarkan.

i am too traditionally corny.

+ + +

faridz kena marah sebab asyik cakap pasal siri sendiri.

it’s me, me, me, me, me, and meeee!

then again, i hate myself for shouting at him. my choice of words were not brilliant enough.

bengong. is that the best i could do? ari wouldn’t even bother to roll his eyes.


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i cannot watch korean dramas, seriously. they make you hope for those non-existing cinta abadi. wishful thinking dowh. but i recommend the couples in trouble to watch them so that they can appreciate how they can easily reach out to each other, via telephone, e-mail, FB and old town white coffee, to be in love without social hierarchy shit, if only, in the first place, they start talking to each other. nicely.

you don’t know what you’re missing, people.

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i’m stuck now. and i hate where i am being stucked at.

it is truly, easy, much, much easier being single. i’m not ready as much as i am too ready for a relationship.

because i don’t tolerate to what-i-want-i-don’t-get really well. i barely cope.

i believe that him-he-is-the-one will handle me just fine and seamlessly, regardless my tantrums.

so until then, i’m stuck. sampai aku tak tau nak behave macam mana ahad nanti. i am traditionally corny, you know.

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i don’t sleep well. i keep waking up every half an hour.

it’s insane when your brain keeps working. about work, about people asking questions you can’t answer, about what to wear, about the particular eyeshadow, about money, about all the assholes who makes you feel worthless.

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i want to go to penang.

i want to be in penang.


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i pray that you would bring me home soon enough.


rage against the masculine

yeah ha ha, i’m a feminist now… not.

i’m going through another phase that i just can’t help it. i hate the reality of how men sees me as a bestie rather than a girlfie which prompted me to feel very resentful and like being took advantage of by them — arent all men very fcuking opportunistics anywaysss — so i’m building these walls like transparent shields around me, and that i am not allowing anyone having a piece of me. at all.
in the mean time, i am in my own kingdom within these transparent walls and just let me be queen blair cornelia waldorf.

i have felt like this much more strongly and adamant ever since anysz’s birthday, that i don’t really need R to be there as my partner as much as cordee asking and aneeza double checking now and then. i couldn’t care less.
for the past birthdays, i have been pretty damn delirious all the time, had good sleeps, coffees and late lunches. as long as there’s the girls, euphoria and camwhoring activity — especially when there’s elyas and sala who is ever obliging in snapping us up in frames — i’m good.
and when R did turn up he made me cry and at that point of time i started to truly hated him and resented him — especially the fact that he made me fcuking cry.

no, thank you. not ever anymore.

ever since then, i just started to hate men who warms up to me and decides that i am only one of the options when seriously — trust me i know what i‘m getting at — in so many ways, they lose big time. all the time. compared to what i have to offer. it’s revolting to the point that i am not even looking twice.

the only one i’m considering — if there is ever — one who looks like ichikawa ebizo xi. taunt whatever, he who looks like one will be the only person i’m responding to if you are not my family, my friends, my boss, or my cats.