the idyllic saturday morning

i lurrrve suerie for knowing moi would be lonely without my cats if i were stranded on an island with her and i take it as a sarcastic compliment from farizz that i would be bringing the notebook and lots of batteries so i can watch my escapism shows and i lurrrve him more for predicting i would become a vip in ten years time… whou hu hu!

+ + +

in denial am i… if he were the reason my work is failing the performances… put him aside, does this means i don’t deserve this happiness? would this also means i have to be mourning and forlorn and scathy all the time to ensure a stable and stellar performances because it will ensure my regular pay which i would need to continue living? this is f.o.s.

roha: it’s normal for the malays, other people who’s pinning on you… to just find a cause, pinpoint at something. nobody who doesn’t know you the way we do would want to see you happy.

jadinya aku ini sedang sentiasa on cloud nine, sentiasa tersenyum, somebody yang buat aku betul-betul ketawa, dan mampu melupakan everything else… to the point that aku tak nak appear to him in vulnerable state atau menangis-nangiskan tentang soal lain… sebab the definition of being with him is happiness… i hate to mix things up.

betapa aku sangat mengsegmentkan everything in life currently. work is work — it’s fucked and done once i’m out of the lift. skool is skool. my family is my family — reminders of who you are, who’s your flesh and blood, who loves you unconditionally and takes you in with that dentally challenged feature and unknown slang. my girlfriends, my guyfriends — the figures in my life who made me who i am today and constantly on forced observations, contributing thoughts and suggestions, my mentors on almost everything in life.

the one thing yang aku takut nak admit is that… since now i think i just lurrrve to dolled up, i’m in constant fear that people are looking at me as this bimbo yang tak reti buat kerja. yes, that scares the hell out of me. but then i soon forget about it the moment i stepped outside the lift, and spends the whole time at my favourite playground with that one person who’s by my side while my fgk-s are currently m.i.a. and the cashmere mafias are far away here and there. i thought i would be tunggang-terbalik this weekend… but i’m feeling sooo idyllic. and nice.

the saturday morning. laundry. kitz-feeding. kemas bilik. bathe luxuriously and the whole works. pick an outfit to prance around the house. the decadent breakfast while watching my favourite show. occasional texts and chats that is not prolonged so as not to overwhelms moi. scheduling dates, luncheons, holidays, nights out. the coffeee. darling moeli who is learning to be a lady at the table. the kitz everywhere… kenya on my bed, monti by the scratching post, sophie tiptoe-ing/galloping towards me, luesi popping here and there or all of them when i’m at the porch doing laundry. the soothing music that is of estrella’s take it slow and ternyata, dustin o’halloran’s opus 23, dario marinelli’s dawn, eric serra’s heat, joeystarr and dj spank’s presentation des personages… so idyllic. so everything at its place. my own space and time. my own escape.

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mirage

kepada orang-orang yang suka meng-psycho, tolong jangan psycho aku. aku budak baik. aku tak suka dipsycho. sebab aku suka berfikir. dan secara refleksi aku memang terlebih analisis. dah aku memang begitu. kalau nak, cakap nak, dan buat macam kau cakap nak tadi. kalau tak nak, it’s cool, kita move on, neh? bukannya kau owe aku apa-apa. tapi kalau kau ada rasa hati tak senang, buatlah apa yang patut, kena ke aku ajar?

sepatutnya aku tak perlu psycho orang macam mana orang buat kat aku. aku tetapkan saja apa yang aku nak. kau takde apa yang aku nak, aku move on. bukannya aku yang kena ikutkan kau. kenapa aku nak dengan sesuatu yang kekurangan mengikut selera aku?

aku ni tak cukup bekerjasama ke? tak cukup baik ke aku ni? kau puji menggunung, tapi kau nak jugak psycho aku. aku. tak. suka. di-psycho. aku benci. aku letih. aku rimas.

anysz: suessy, kau belum pergi berperang lagi dah nak mengaku kalah.
suessy: kan lebih bagus kalau kita terus bunuh je orang jahat tu dan peperangan dapat dielakkan?

ch5fluer

sungguh, aku rasa lega dapat lari ke dunia harry potter. konon-konon aku kat common room berguru dengan hermione si disciplinarian. harry yang banyak diam dan asyik memandang tingkap. ron yang tak berhenti merungut tentang kemiskinan keluarganya. fred dan george yang membingitkan keadaan. ginny yang mencintai harry dalam diam — alah, dia tu pun tak sepathetic aku. monti ala-ala crookshanks.  bosan-bosan curi masuk the prefects’ bath. dalam tu ada macam-macam jenis bath gels yang keluarkan ntahapahapa jenis wangian dan buih sabun yang sangat entertaining dan amusing. dan disebabkan aku ni chill-intolerant, aku teringin sangat nak try butterbeer. makan buttered toast dan coffee macam live in the burrow. lepas tu test firebolt harry… whouuu!

aku nak lari jauh-jauh. betul lea aku memang kena migrate. ke perancis, circa 1770. seperti marie dikelilingi french dogs, aku akan ajar kucing-kucing aku cakap french. moeli reti minum kopi dan makan french toast. time tu aku tak payah online shopping, boutique owners yang datang buat appointment dengan aku untuk persembahkan barang dagangan. aku tak payah nak tunggu pesanan pre-order selama enam ke lapan minggu atau terpaksa mengadap sign ‘sold out’. aku tak layan opera, aku panggil harith buat stand up comedy dan suruh na’a murad speaking english dialek kelantan. tiap-tiap malam menari dan menari dan menari. bila bosan, lari ke petit trianon, buat dinner party dan main kejar-kejar keluar/masuk bilik. siapa yang tangkap kau, kau kena spend the whole night dalam bilik tu dengan orang yang dari tadi usha kau dan berusaha untuk tangkap kau masuk ke biliknya.

atau aku lah vesper lynd, aku lah olga kurylenko. hati kering. tak ada perasaan. ingat senang ke? memisahkan diri dari segala yang menghangatkan hidup kau satu masa dulu. senangnya jiwa cair dan jatuh mencurah dalam telapak tangan yang meng-psychokan kau. lepas tu… kau tau apa jadi kan?

memang tinggi imaginasi aku. sebab aku nak lari dari kau. hidup aku sebelum ni mana ada kau. otak aku ni dah compressed sangat, tahu? berusaha untuk tidak merungut, tidak berfikir, tidak mengadu, tapi kali ini aku tak ada sesiapa atau aku anggap semuanya terlalu sibuk untuk mendengar remeh aku. tak apa… aku ada tisu kleenex, ada nescafe 3-in-1 hi calcium milk yang macam rasa latte tu, aku okay. and that aku siapkan assignments aku — nanti eda mengamuk.

dengarkan saja instrumental rob dougan dari ost the matrix, dan segala yang elektronik dari the prodigy… dan aku larut. sementara supaya aku tak fikirkan kau. hati aku sendiri pun dah bertanya, apa yang penting sangat dengan kewujudan kau nikau tak dapat aku. tak ada sesiapa dapat akubelum lagi.

 

 

 

mengarut sudah.

crash and burn

i’m feeling terribly icky lately. the sinus, the coughing… if i forgot to keep track how long i’ve been under the weather and not get my blood check, meningoencephalitis might hit again — nauzubillah.

i gotta pull things together… i’m just letting it drift these days. there is no personal issue to be affected with work but i’m tumbling down quite alarmingly disappointing that Miin is disgusted with me. my personal issue with the girls are that they are too busy for the weekly cheapskate ritual — these days i know how roha felt one time before. one of the girls is only calling me to check on her so-called fiance. the heat — not the physical infection — is building up.

 

met my diploma mates, it’s like reunion in the FB. i owe one of the girls her romeo and juliet OST and natalie imbruglia’s left of the middle. luncheon with the breakfast club — juez, nora, aja — sounds perfect, just tell me when and hopefully i’ll be there.

 

i’m tired of making bridges connect. the dinner with chap and his childhood friends made me laugh like the last time i did with my own childhood friends. the jokes, the craps, the obscenities, the obnoxiousness, the teases, the dissings. as much as i enjoyed it, i’m still crying my heart out as i texted thank you-s to chap and looking at the FB photos.

 

nothing keeps me going but one thing keeps me happy. to see pharrell in the flesh. and to spend the whole one day with chap. i never thought about going, but when i bought this black and white trapeze top, i was saying to myself, “i’d wear this if i’m going to sunburst.” never thought chap would say that he’s taking me.

 

what kind of present to give to a girl?
give her anything… she’ll keeps it. the thing that she keeps is the guy’s thought, not the gift. the gift only represents the guy’s thought for her.

love, desperate

i thought that a lot of things are impossible — when it comes to the significance of my existence. most of all, i thought requiring for attention to me was out of the question. who would want to take a look at me and spend so much as five seconds of their precious time to know that i am present? i am not easily pretty, dentally challenged, tend to be sarcastic all the time, prefer conversing in english, not at all a happening babe who goes places and travel the continent, scored sworn hatred towards karaoke (which means i am a terribly horrifying singer), and doesn’t take good pictures too.

hmm… how easy it is to ridicule yourself.

001

revolving around the aftermath of breakup, i never thought about new friends would cared so much about my mental state of health — and im still surprised to know how thoughtful raymee, eda and dearhowshesmaturedandnowaproudmommy aby are — what more to make new friends, or giving another start to old acquaintances. but like i have observed, once you broke up, you either makin ketat — digest it yourself my intention of using such word — or you tend to loosen up than your own rigid self, previously set by the rules your former partner wanted you to abide so that he’s free to seek elsewhere for the exquisite liquid of wine but still have the security to come home to a juice box. now that you are commitment-free, have just started to revamped yourself and being extra friendly to everyone and strangers (gorrrgeous strangers especially), you could easily falls to being desperate to the naked eye.

oh, how insulting it is to be gently and apologetically labeled that — that word — pathetic, pitiful — desperate. there could be some truth in it, maybe. although it is seen, or looked like a desperado… but how i truly feel is different. currently there are so many things inside my head — sitting on top is online shopping and men being in the misc. drawer — but still being (apologetically) labeled, a desperado — that’s a whole different story.

… no, you do not love a smart man. the kind of man that you would love is the guy like lan meet uncle hussain. i just can’t elaborate or tell you why you love this kind of man, but you certainly do. ada spark and twinkle in your eyes and glow on your face whenever you talk of him (oui, oui, introduce me to lan MUH, anyone?).
he, on the other hand, is only the guy you like. the kind of guys you like are smart, knowledgeable and makes you laugh all the time. you can’t differentiate between a friend and a boyfriend these days, you’re becoming weak than the last few months — you were better then! now, you are… sorry aku terpaksa guna perkataan ni… desperate.

i was horribly upset for the whole day. i was holding back tears till it throbbed my temple, hiccupping as i poured it out to mum. for now, as long as i got mum saying that i am not desperate, is all i need. trust me, mum can be veeery mean to her own daughter — for all the good causes, of course.

i thought i never wanted to go out with anyone anymore. i will not call anyone or seek anyone. i don’t want to socialize. what keeps me sane will be the family and i’m good with just them. and my katz. and everything else i bought online. and my entourage and gossip girl series. and my harry potter, jane austen-s, and coffeesss. oh, and i decided to go on hiatus.

but then i decide to blog about it. to discard it off my mind and to share with whoever dropped by.

first… a few wisdom wordsss —

  • quoting heidi klum’s recent comment
    there are always people who are quick to offer an opinion and when you are in the public eye, people will always talk about you and put their opinions on you. That’s what you get when you’re in the public eye. But people need to be happy with the way they are.”
  • and also roha’s words — rohaaa, cilokkk
    “What others say of me matters little; what I myself say and do matters much.”

second… my wisdom wordsss —

referring to heidi, i am happy. happy to have kenya cuddles her whole lithe furry body on the curve of my stomach while listening to the live version of jason mraz’s im yoursjason will meet you with holmes, kenya baby — and i’m good. happy to flirt with all the guys and knowing that there is no strings attached. pursuing maybe not so subtly at times but i am not living life with what if-s anymore. the worst thing about pursuing is being rejected. it is a veeery bitter lesson to learn but each moment you will grow and the phrase, if it doesnt kill you, it will only make you stronger, is really. true. you will get through the acrimony and you will thank yourself for coming out of it.

next round, kau dah takkan heran atas semua benda-benda remeh tentang lelaki. you won’t settle for any less. if he is no good, move on. if i am that desperate, i would stayyy with the first guy who dated me (or rather, forced him to stay), make him the unwilling victim and worked all out tunggang terbalik than the times i did with arwah to make us worked and prooove to arwah that he is not that irreplaceable. urgghhh, i resent that song — i can have another you in a minute/i can have another you by tomorrowanother you? no, thank you, i deserve better. nasib baik kau dapat jay z dan hartanya lebih tebal dari bibirnyaokay, ‘kay, thats enough, dentally challenged! ~~~ i am beautiful/ no matter what they sayyy/ wordsss. caaan’t. bring. meee. dooownnn.

as i have mentioned, i am happy, love to have fun and since only recently i embraced and enjoyed the makeup, hair, and girly clothes that i was sooo forbidden to do and wear last time — so now, of course aku nampak lain. macam suerie cakap, macam nizam nuri cakap, their first comment that is ever since then. i am only indulging myself.

i am an attention seeker. so what? kenapa aku dolled up macam tu — (selain selfindulgence and experimenting beautification) mesti lea nak attention, nak test market. tapi adakah aku membawa sekali sepanduk “mencari cintamusim kelapanbelas. sila hantarkan slip gaji terbaru anda.” dijinjing ke sana ke mari? yes, aku nak kau tengok aku. itu je. i get that a lot these days. not at my favourite playground — atau kau nak cakap section 2, shah alam, bukan? — but at the blue chips places, places i neverrr dreeeam to go, what more of getting attention. no wonder girls do their hair and put on make up. the differences it makes and the girlfriends weren’t wrong — the best revenge is to look good, not get a revenge fuck. it’s hellagood for moi, the hell about you? kau ke yang rasa seksa aku? cuba kau rasa, mungkin kau akan jadi lebih teruk dari aku.

cuzn kyie’s friend wore a statement t-shirt — she has good taste. i was staring at it and by the time he noticed i was staring, i was already laughing. i should have taken a picture with him.

kau ni memang mat saleh. mana boleh kau terusterus nak ambik gambar dengan that guyyy?

what the hell… bukannya aku mintak phone number. aku tak rasa itu desperate. aku nak statement atas t-shirt dia tu menjadi sepanduk aku (dan secara tidak langsung became an involuntary testimonial for me), yes.

what i tell myself is that he will seek for me. he will find me. HE will show me to him. HE pairs the best for me. and the first thing you must do after you pray to HIM, is to allow yourself to be attracted to the qualities that you want. it is most definitely true that it starts from you. unknowingly, tindakan luar sedar, it is only you who did not allow yourself to deserve good things. no one else is stopping you.

macam today, somebody seeked for me. we’ve been bumping into each other now and then, hardly any smiles or acknowledgment and i’m an excellentè at pretending other people don’t exist. eventually he mustered up the courage to say hi. that’s one point — believe me, i know it is hard for men too. and i threw every single level 1-mild-and-teasing verbal abuse to him. he caught each one with grace and gallantry that i overlooked his grammar mistakes. teruk me, i knowww, but i gotta give extra points that he goes all the way in english, at the same time admitting his errors and let me correct his spelling.

i am already happy just knowing this guy — even if it is all act — it took a lot for him to bring down his ego after what i’ve given him.

maka, adakah kamu desperate? you know yourself. a chance to explain myself and to highlight the differences, matters — at least for me. i am happy now and that is good enough — especially after what i’ve gone through. i didn’t allow myself to permanently falter. i know it won’t kill me. i know i will rise again. i know i will get up after each fall — no matter how deep, no matter how hard i landed.

wish and krayzie rap for ya —

better break it down
only if you let it
everyday the situation is rockin’ my mind
tryin’ to break me down
but i won’t let it
forget it (forget it)

i’ll be feelin’ like it gonna break me down
turnin’ me around
stressin’ me out
i think i’m gonna get out
and let me
release some stress (stress)

don’t ever wanna feel no pain (pain)
hoping for the sun
but it looks like rain (rain, rain, rain)
oh, i just wanna maintain

yeah, i’m feelin’ precious, yo
but never the less
krayzie won’t fall
it’s over, it’s ending here (here)

to have the attention is a bonus. to know someone wanting your attention is a plus. to make new acquaintance is an added pleasure. to have sparks between someone so mutual — you hit a jackpot, baby! go splash his grey skies with your fireworks — oui, am quoting wani.

real life examples of desperate in my book would be —

  • enlisting a friend to do a quickie ad on the blog persuading elevated and urban-oriented female anak ayam-s to add him in faaacebook.
  • to put comment after comment in picture after another requesting for opportunity to get to know this girl or that girl until unabashedly-but-i-will-state-that-he-was-without-the-knowledge that one of the girls he inquired is actually a friend’s girlfriend. hardee har har.
  • to make a joke when i say he was “speeding off”, he reminded moi that he is indeed not “jerking off”. please, pervert jokes are dead. chivalry still lives on — and much longer at that, gentlemen.

no, there is no need to convince me otherwise if you may. thank you, darl.

oh, my ex-boss kata i slimmed down. happeeeee.

can’t get enough of you

i have made a mental note to myself that i would like to watch the 23rd AJL because meet uncle hussain is one of the contenders. and faizal tahir too, yeahhh — i have never watch his performance so why not sambil menyelam minum air, eh? — i remembered i was disappointed when i learnt that FT is actually married. i would only want to watch AJL because of the darlings, but MUH is the priority, missed FT is doesn’t the matter.

however, like last week when i missed the historical chelsea vs man u, i missed this one too.

what freakin’ happened last sunday? i got back from classes — new sem started — all happy and delirious and wholesome. when i reached home, i realized i did not went straight to bed only so that i will picked up L from the station around the last fifteen minutes before midnight — if i went to bed, it’s downright history and Mum will have to pick him up, which i dread. the telly was not on, i think Mum forgot about AJL as well, or that a lot of people these days forgot about AJL because there are unheard indie bands playing that they think is not worth as watching Melodi.

then again, i was one of them, only until i broke up. the part on “…unheard indie bands playing that they think is not worth…”, not the part of watching AJL. i ceased watching AJL aeons ago… i’m just beat with the entertainment industry as much as i am beat with the politicians, and equalizing watching AJL with the unheard indie bands is not as worthy as watching Melodi is simply a mockery.

i was one of those ignorants, not that much of a local act supporters unless they really hit my ears. and when they do so, i only acted mildly, thinking that they are still not that worth my attention. yeahhh, i was that — whatever you want to put it there. but i could never deny lan’s vocal ability. n-e-v-e-r. as i have always had the particular fondness for screaming/wailing male vocalists (not all men are that sensitive to show their emotions) like gerard way (yeahhh, just shoot me), remy zero, remioromen, glen hansard, and alike — lan is totally one in my list.

being new in the break up scene six months ago, i turned to songs and i vaguely remembered lagu untukmu may represents how i felt. i begged raymee to transfer the file to me and ever since then, it was love. right up to the point that yeahhh, having a rockstar boyfriend wouldnt be that bad (cerita poyo). to the point i begged kidd to introduced me to lan only until i found out that lan is actually, younger than me. ohh, takpelah. oui, memang i was a tad serious to consider him as a boyfriend.

thank god for youtube, i get to watched their performance there. i couldn’t stop smiling widely, grinning from ear to ear, the fucking three Es — enthralled, euphoric, ecstatic — they were mighty brilliant, it’s like watching your boyfriend performing his best, haha! my hands were in the air, i was silent screaming along with lan’s wailing (the climax of the songthe part that i love most), i would have been screaming and honouring them with the well-deserved standing ovation as well if i were in the hall. despite whatever kekurangan there was on stage, i must have not give a damn about it because they were just sooo good. especially, lan, of kross, and his vocal ability — darling, you. are. an. exceptional. marvelousity. and the drummer guy, hello, like your assemble and the red muffler does the trick, oui.

the last time i felt like this was watching the beijing olympic 2008 opening. the simplest and mightiest effort that was put in which could striked a chord in human’s emotion and at the same time doing your country proud with such passion. OTT — i don’t think so. they deserve this praise for this act. it’s like, you could not get enough of them on stage. FT’s performance however, was… okayyy so i didn’t get him and it was very much thank-god-it’s-over-now when he’s done.

oh, and they hailed from johor, is it… that’s what i heard. haha. okayyy, i do have alot of homework to do on my own people.

 

congratulations.

mèrci

this list was inspired by a fellow blogger, gossip girl, and the luxury of many things that i’m living through right now —

i am thankful that i am now in speaking terms with my brother at last
i am thankful for my wit, my knowledge, my sarcasm, and what Dad taught me
i am thankful that Mum shoved enid blyton’s books to my hands since i was five
i am thankful that Mum told me to look into the dictionary right from the start
i am thankful that Mum taught me to address people with Encik/Puan/Cik even if he is a taxi driver
i am thankful that i could have breakfast with Mum
i am thankful that i could go shopping with Mum
i am thankful that i could make Mum happy
i am thankful that i could threw a party for Mum
i am thankful that i could buy things for Mum
i am thankful that Mum provided the best hospitality for me to modelled after
i am thankful that i could gossip with Mum
i am thankful that Mum told me how to do the investments, both worldly and Hereafter
i am thankful that Mum took care of moi the way she did, else, i’d be wasted
i am thankful that Mum is always there
i am thankful that at one time, we had all the luxury we wanted
i am thankful that my brothers didn’t have to submit to child labour
i am thankful that at their age, my parents are living physically comfortable
i am thankful that despite all the family dramas, we are all still living under one roof
i am thankful that despite differences, my girlcousins and i are bonding like sisters
i am thankful that my aunts looked after me and my brothers as if we are their own children
i am thankful that despite lack of communication with the other side of the family, we are always welcome
i am thankful that i actually have a lot of girlfriends
i am thankful that i actually have guyfriends who looked after me
i am thankful that i actually have people who i just knew, who always care for me
i am thankful that i have the luxury to spend the time and the money with my girlfriends
i am thankful that my girlfriends always count me in for a good time
i am thankful that my girlfriends are always pointing out for the best of me
i am thankful that my girlfriends are there through my darkest hour
i am thankful for my girlfriends who taught me to be selfless
i am thankful for my girlfriends who taught me to share
i am thankful for my girlfriends who taught me how to be a better friend
i am thankful for my girlfriends who don’t hold things back from me
i am thankful that i could be at my girlfriends’ big day
i am thankful that i could be happy
i am thankful that i could be happily sad for my girlfriends
i am thankful that my girlfriends celebrate the day i was born
i am thankful that sometimes i have the eye for best purchase at bargain bins
i am thankful for the moments when i laughed hard
i am thankful that i could enjoy a movie
i am thankful that i could enjoy music
i am thankful that i could enjoy a good read
i am thankful that i could appreciate pictures
i am thankful that i could enjoy a good joke
i am thankful that i could be enthralled with a great performance — i love the Olympic Beijing 2008 opening, wayyy mindblowing and lots of eyecandies!!!
i am thankful that i have the luxury to spend time by myself
i am thankful that i have an outlet to let things go
i am thankful for my self-esteem and confidence although frequently i faltered
i am thankful that there are times when i love myself, treat myself, and have the luxury to indulge
i am thankful that i could mentally get away when i have limited sources but at least i’m rejuvenated
i am thankful for my hair, my height, my ass and my eyes — the best features i should flaunt to compensate others and thank YOU that i am born perfect
i am thankful of the meaningful exchanges i had with strangers
i am thankful to have many good conversations
i am thankful that i am not actually forgotten
i am thankful for the people who remembered me
i am thankful that i could work in a team
i am thankful that i could work on my own
i am thankful for my guilty conscience
i am thankful for being able to speak up
i am thankful for being able to open my mouth and object when something i don’t like happened
i am thankful that i may not have so much trouble to lose weight, it’s a matter of whether i want to or not, and how i love myself to look like
i am thankful that i could enjoy the delicious regrets — oily food, hawker food
i am thankful that i have my own room where i can leave it in a mess, have a space all to myself, watch porn, hide things, and sleep with all ten cats — there was that one time
i am thankful that i have the luxury to be at a standstill and coos my cats
i am thankful for the time i could spare to be a lap for my sleeping cats
i am thankful for the time i could spare to scratch my cats’ necks and their velvet coats
i am thankful that i could sheltered some cats
i am thankful that i could afford to buy a car — maintaining it is a whole different story
i am thankful that i could have the luxury to daydream
i am thankful that i could live for the moment a la sofia coppola’s marie antoinette
i am thankful that i could have some moments when i felt oh-so-glammed
i am thankful that i could have lots of idyllic moments — yeah, in other words, it actually is procrastinating
i am thankful for the slang whenever i conversed in English — though i never actually fucking know where it comes from, okay, so bite me
i am thankful that despite my dark childhood, i am able to lived through it and project positivity to myself
i am thankful that most of the time, i am above all the nonsenses
i am thankful that i don’t do drugs or nicotines or alcohol, else, i’d be wasted — i know moi
i am thankful that i could afford certain things just because of its name
i am thankful that i have bits of creativity in my hands
i am thankful that i have this passion for details
i am thankful that i could still find close, intimate friends at this age
i am thankful that those who knew me looked over what others always judged of me
i am thankful to have lived through commuting so that i would know how it feels like to wait for a bus
i am thankful for my habit to read — though its sawing off
i am thankful for my extensive vocabulary
i am thankful for the ability to visualize certain things
i am thankful that i have the luxury to further my study
i am thankful that i am able to help
i am thankful that i could live the moments where i make people truly happy
i am thankful that i could afford to make people happy
i am thankful that i have so many people being patient with me
i am thankful that i lived a love where things in the movies happened to us
i am thankful that even though the break up hurts like labour pains, i actually learn to appreciate and love myself better
i am thankful that i could fell in love again
i am thankful that i have the best leader to modelled after, to joked around with, to laugh hard with, to confide in with, to tease without the trouble, and to look up to
i am thankful that i can still see the clear signs of Judgment Day and asking myself how prepared am i
i am thankful that i was raised this way
i am thankful that i lived this way
i am thankful for the chances to redeemed myself
i am thankful that i worked like a dog before so that i will always remember to appreciate other people’s effort
i am thankful for so many other things that goes without saying and the things i said here actually slipped off my minds most of the time
i am thankful to be me
i am thankful that despite more often than not failing my non-compromised obligations, HE is still There

these are the things that i could afford the luxury of time, money, sanity, being without almost trying and with HIS almost-expiring-CONSENT. imagine how it’d be like if i actually worked hard and do better… we could have more, and plenty to share around.

female jealousy

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i should think that now i am comfortable to talk about female jealousy. i am jealous of a girlfriend who is juggling between two men whereas i am not juggling anyone nor anything at all. sure, i have reasoned myself out that it is actually a blunder to be in such situation, that i would actually be cheating, that it’s better off without having to fit yourself in the lives of those certain type of men my girlfriend is juggling with, that i get to preserved and perserved better what is left of me, that i am supposedly not troubled with this kind of shit.

anysz: apa yang kau kalah dengan dia, suessy? kau tak kalah apa-apa pun dengan dia.

+ + +

for the W planning, instead of a nine west heels/bag, each bridesmaid will instead get a pair of balenciaga heels.

M: wouldn’t your girlfriends supposedly be getting you something instead of you getting them something for your wedding?
moi: they’ll be getting me bigger something for my wedding presents.

and nooo, persahabatan dan kasih sayang adalah hadiah-hadiah yang applicable on birthdays only.

the bigger prize is HH, if i could get HH, or equivalent to HH — else i’d be wasted already. no, i do not know who the hell is HH, whether he likes durian or not, would tolerates cats or leave me alone when i’m meeting my girlfriends, attending to families, or when i plain want to be alone.

i believe there is that someone. and i’m quoting superman who quoted his mum, “like my mother always says, there is a someone for everyone.”

anysz: suessy, you can’t expect people to be perfect… you have to accept the other 20% of weakness.
moi: i have accepted 80% of weakness before —
anysz: pada kau nak accept more than 20% pun okay lea…?
moi: maybe… more about no one is good enough — so far. ntah.
rahim: there’s gotta be sparks between the two of you.
moi: nope. no sparks at all. dah dimmed. dimmed!

+ + +

i have a cat sleeping in my closet.

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and moeli hates to be photographed.

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and sophie goes tak boley bla.

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+ + +

wouldn’t anyone thought this picture dsc02317 is actually inappropriate to be hung at a family restaurant?

+ + +

there are other things happening simultaneously. then again, is it because of age factor, peer pressure, wedding invitations, stopped whatever you’re doing and procrastinate on mulling the fact that you are partner-less, and before you knew it, you’re already thirty-fucking-five?

tak ade, pening. ade sorang pun pening. mungkin penipu, mungkin penyangak. and the one remaining fact is that people changed. my appearance changed, my style changed, my manner changed but my love never changed — however, my partner’s love towards moi changed. then again, we can guess but we may never know, maybe i changed when i eventually settled down and managed to messed things up yet again.

the one true source is to ask from HIM. to pray to HIM. to wish to HIM. only HE has it for you.

not that i’m denying it, but if i slipped thirty-five without realizing, i’m channeling samantha jones.

+ + +

meet up with fgk-s last night and aneeza told us about the film budak kelantan.

i will pick this out from aneeza, “cerita tu memang realistic yang melampau.”

moi: as in tunjuk satu scene je and your mind developed the rest of what happened next?
aneeza: y-yesss!

listening to aneeza described the first scene of the movie which was based on the distributed 3gp file of actual mat rempit raping a girl scares the hell out of me already.

+ + +

simultaneously re-reading harry potter and the sorcerer’s stone and the debutante divorcèe. here’s a trivia about moi — despite a harry potter fan that i am, i never own or buy the first book. L gave it to moi to read — perhaps permanent ownership as well.

+ + +

life is rejection
i know you’ve had your share
but this one’s special
i can’t compete with her
and did she tell you
only she could know your mind
and did she sell you
i gotta say it one time

she’s got you thinking
of a world where you might fit in
a whole lot better
than the one you’ve been living in
and did she tell you
only she could understand
and did she sell you
only time will tell

she can be your lover
she can be your friend
she can be your vision of a mother like the one you never had
she will know your troubles better than I can
but she’ll never be your man
she’ll never be your man
she’ll never be your man

+ + +

i’ve rambled enough. got paper tomorrow.