i guess, well, everyone else too, just like moi, have this emptiness they just can’t seem to fill.

+ + +

you see, M, i need you to take me away. to some place like this. and i think we can live domestically happy together. if i am not happy there with you, i don’t know what else could work.

+ + +

again, besides your make up tips, i don’t feel like listening to what you would like to advise moi on why i am still single. based on your track record — it has been horrible and totally unreliable. i appreciate the effort, but you can stop now, really.

giving your twoyearold girl a stapler for her to play with

+ + +

i am really, really, really perplexed that some very lucky women who snapped, shouted, cursed and even kicked their husband in the stomach to wake him up to go to work — have this very patient, gentle and loving man as her husband.

true story.

+ + +

the scene in the movie sepi, where the girl is so traumatized by the haunting memories of how her boyfriend was killed — scream, ran outside, hysterical and slammed into a passing car.

at the time, i felt this utter satisfaction. she was lying there on the street, physically broken on top of her already broken pieces and she opened her eyes, looking into her dead boyfriend’s eyes, also lying there beside her. he smiled and she smiled back.

i really feel like, just take me now, please.


5054 (updated)

S might ruined her life yet again, in the manner of lindsay lohan.

+ + +

how are you?
my birthday’s coming and i’m pretty psyched about it.

what mountainous tasks you’re facing right now?
in short term would be, clearing my work backlog. and rearranged my wardrobe.

what do you plan to purchase next year — apparel-wise?
i need to update my inner wear. a matching bra and knicker set each month. and i need nu ballet flats, pumps, strappy heels and sandals. i will buy one pair each month so that at the end of the next year, i will have a dozen sets of matching inner wears, three pairs of ballet flats, three pairs of pumps, three pairs of strappy heels and three pairs of sandals.

what about investing in expensive handbag and doing facials? any commitment to the gym?
for now, those stuffs… i’ll leave it to the future husband.

people are wondering and asking about you and the rockstar journalist. what’s the story?
the story is… we’re budding friends.

the guy in your (facebook) profile picture?
seriously nobody knows who he is? he’s hafiz hatim!

who’s the future husband?
on the way, i think. or maybe it’s me who have yet to make it halfway. maybe he is the one waiting and i’m still figuring out how to read the map.

what’s the story with your girlfriends?
i don’t know. i think i was harsh. i was a pure bitch. i feel like staying away from everyone. not running away, just shrinking away. but if anyone passed by, smiles, says ‘hi’, i will returned it all. maybe not to certain people, for now i hate to do confrontations because i feel that it’s wasting my time. this is supposedly immature because it simply means that i am not looking at both sides and sulking away, obviously. but i just hate people right now. i lost it (faith, trust) in men, i lost it in girls too. i feel like, i don’t have friends. well, they are around but for now, i completely understand that i’m not being a good friend to them anyway, so… serves me right for being where i am right now if you can ever get what i mean. i’m just too tired. i think everyone’s tired too due to other obligations. but there are some sensitive topics you have to take care of right away. for instance, money. it’s a very sensitive subject that you need to address to promptly. even between flesh and blood you can go kill each other, what more between friends. so, when you feel like you had to arm-twist your friend to pay you back, and your friend said, “it’s just freakin’ 80 bucks!”. well, 80 bucks means the world to me, if its not much then pay me now. i hate to think of my friend this way, it’s not about the amount, it’s how your friend takes care of you the way you took care of your friend. and your friend have not so much text to inform when he’s gonna pay or what, like nothing, like your friend have no qualms about it at all.

so how many bridesmaids are you looking at right now?
(laughs) i used to have eight. i feel like they’re all the perfect combination. i severed ties with three of them already. one is in rekindling process. two is in the process of the-moment-of-truth, and one is, well, we’re getting tired of each other, i think. then again, by the time i get to get married, perhaps there’s none left because everyone’s already married too.

if there’s one who can write a short description in remembering you, who would you want to do it?
casperoha. i read KLUE’s 2010 annual 20 under 40 list and found them boring. most of them wrote in all high praises, it’s boring. there’s not much of a intriguing info for me to find out more about who is listed because the write up is too boring. this is what happened when it’s your bestie writing about you. casperoha is my bestie, but she delivers cold hard truth, to the point that i am always mentally prepared first before hearing to what she’s gonna say because truth always hurts, what more the cold hard ones. and she will always come up with a word i never thought would described me, but it kinda does, because she sees in me every angles and evaluate it against reality before she delivers her opinion. no one weights reality more than just-the-nice-things-your-friends-wanted-to-hear than casperoha. so yeah, i’d want her to write about me, and include the word ‘tenacious’ because that is the word i never thought would described me — that’s the one word she got to described me.

you really like to play with your hair, don’t you?
yup. it’s not a sure sign i like the guy. i just like my hair. a lot. it plays a vital part when i’m shocked — i would hold both ends and bring it to wrapped around my face. it became a signature act that most girlfriends pointed out to other people who just knew me when i’m doing it in front of them.

current favourite song(s)?
you know how soothing is the piano piece in republik’s hanya ingin kau tahu? i like it very much. and i feel like death’s very near to me or i keep remembering the dead, like, if the dead is still around, things would be… the song for that mood would be bloc party’s signs. i first heard that song from a gossip girl‘s episode on bart bass’ death. and since my birthday is coming around, i’m feeling marie antoinette  (i like new order’s ceremony as well) — in the interpretation by sofia coppola — i’m listening to the radio dept’s i don’t like it like this.

you’re going to be 27. sure still no prospect?
i am full of myself, wishful thinkings and aimless. i have no sure destination. i just know i want to be happy, that is simply enough after what i’ve been through because sometimes i just don’t dare to wish for more because i’m too scared to get hurt. regardless how much i’ve steeled away, i am still easily hurt and it is cast deep so it took some of my time, my energy, my feelings and i feel that those are wasted unnecessarily. the good thing i see from this is, i’m glad that i’m still human, i’m not an ice queen yet. and i’ve met enough guys to prove me right again and again. at the same time, they left me puzzled and perplexed. right until now, whatever the guy said, or mentioned, verbally or written, i’m not taking up on any of it unless he acted out the whole sentence — for a start. it’s a pity that men i’ve met have successfully materialized the phrase “talk is cheap”.
naturally i don’t think there’s anything wrong with me (haha).
… let’s just put it this way — we’re just not for each other. let’s just be neutral about it. ha ha.

get your questions answered by jiminy cricket

so what do you do on weekends?

<<<cengkerik surround sound>>>

what do i do on weekends? i realized that these days, or rather these weeks, i work like a dog during the week that i find weekends my saviour. i’m so attached to myself and i’m pretty selfish about finding time for myself. and there’s always something to do around the haus. and the seven cats. and another fact that i like to take my own sweet time. i hate the rush. i’m really un-rush-able during weekends. but i fancy the tedious and lengthy preparations before the party. in both preparing the party and especially when dolling myself pretty.

kalau kau nak, kan suraya, kau nak lelaki yang macam mana?

<<<cengkerik surround sound>>>

when sazali asked moi this, i finally had an almost clear answer — ebizo ichikawa xi. this is back to basic, back to that fantasy, the so-called goal for someone who looked somewhat like him. tall, bald, size 10 shoes (at least). each time an A4 or an A8 passed by me, i said to myself, “my boyfriend/future husband is driving zat!” it was naturale, okay. sometimes it is felt strongly when i am elsewhere a little less. then again, along the line someone falls into an exception. i looked pass what i want that he doesn’t have. but it’s a constant reminder for me to not complete the whole picture. at the end of the day, i’m shouting back to the gents, “what the hell do men want?”

there you go.

now my lips are pursed into a silly smile


tak sangka hari ketiga berpuasa masih headache-y. dan ketiga-tiga hari puasa ini perasaan bercampur-baur antara terlampau gembira dan terlampau meroyan. salah cakap kena, melampau salah cakap berdas-das kena sampai putus talian. malas nak sambung.
dalam hari kedua, dah tempted. tapi mungkin sebab terlampau letih dan masa terlampau pendek, dan sebab minum air berais — terus knocked out.

rindu dengan the bastard. haizzz, tak tau lah kalau sekarang sedang berevolusi menjadi asshole. atau sememangnya sedang sibuk dengan budgetting.
terngiang-ngiang bunyi ketawa dia atau masa dia menyanyi lagu-lagu yang masa tu aku rasa nak tutup telinga tak sanggup dengar. teringat bila dia salah dengar aku sebut “asoh” yang pada dia bunyi macam “arse-hole”. how was it again that first date we had? shweet. okay, now my lips are pursed into a silly smile.

sekarang dalam rumah ade dua little furballs. dari lima tinggal dua. the mommy gueci pun dah dua minggu hilang. maka dari 12 ekor kucing saya tinggal tujuh.
kalau pergi lucerne rasanya bawak aki je kot. moeli dah tua. ha ha. sekarang pun dah asyik nak merajuk sebab tak dapat masuk rumah. monti pun menunjukkan his anima side lately — saya terpegun, sebab ingatkan dia ni sengal je.

serius takde mood nak keje. system lag. connection tak stable. e-mel beratur nak menjawab. printer tak payah cakap lea, she’s my new enemy. sikit-sikit jammed in rear bin. rearrr. ha ha.

nak sandwich. nak hotdog. nak that red velvet cupcake kat delicious. terutamanya sandwich lah — layers of grilled briskets, romaine lettuce, tomato slices and mayonnaise. tak kisah roti ape asalkan toasted.

how i met your father

here’s a girl in a dark red long top and black pants, with her straw-coloured bag walking in fast pace across the new wing of the shopping mall to get to the old wing. she was somewhat wary that she is already late.

she took the escalator to go up and at the same time was fiddling with her phone. she was texting with her girlfriends about another girlfriend’s birthday plan. at the same time too, she appeared as nonchalant as possible. she lives and breathes as if she is being observed.

as she arrived to the floor up, she scanned the floor for someone who appears to be waiting for someone. there seems to be none. there was no lone figure with the descriptions she has in mind. she looked around again. every other person seems to already be engaged. she shrugged it off and made a call.

she quicky scanned the floor again, to observe if there is anyone rustling for the cellphone in their pocket or whatnot. the call is already answered and there is still no one with a cellphone in their hand, plugged to their ear within her sight.

“where are you?”

the line went dead. perplexed, she stares at her cellphone. someone bumped her softly by the side from behind and she turned, but the figure is already walking past her. the figure turned to look at her and smiled mischievously.


“come on… what would you like for lunch?”

+ + +

fast forward now.

here’s the girl in a black babydoll dress and a pair of jeans, with her pewter-coloured bag strolling along the same spot. she stares at the row of cashiers of the supermarket as she walked to the elevator.

in this scenery, she flashback to the first time they met. perhaps she was already observed from here, as she walked to the escalator to meet at the promised spot. perhaps he has already picked her up as her body language is read while he was checking out at the counter.

after he paid for the groceries, he took the elevator a few minutes behind her. he watched her peering around and clutching to her cellphone. he has already measured her up from behind and is pleased. and when she finally made that call, all his assumptions are confirmed.

he smiles as his phone rings, flashing her number.


+ in the voice of a la Gossip Girl +

trouble comes finding S in the form of temptations — isn’t that how it has always started? neither hovering nor contemplating any longer, S has officially became a member of the underworld. life is full of adventures these days. but when you play with fire, things do go down in the blink of an eye. and then you’ll realized, that you’re the one who got burnt the most.