becoming jane

when sunburst was cancelled, i witnessed chap suppressed his rage to my thoughts. i would think he would be flattered with my wishes… but as sazali commented, it only heightened his guilty towards what had to happened. i believe it’s good chap’s over-guilty like that.

let’s see how far he would go.

+ + +

i educated chap about austen and her description on the accomplished yet idyllic life of the women during that time. reading, painting, embroidery, playing a musical instrument, visits, possible suitors, making five thousand pounds a year for a man at the time is consider a very good catch, gossips (where chap would fits in very comfortably because this is what he likes to do), boating and bathing at the clear water creek, picnics at the open field after a game of cricket… the whole idyllic lifestyle.

bores the pants off him.


+ + +

one week ago, in the wee morning hours after L left for work, mum was being kecoh. i thought she was doing her usual Subuh prayers siren so i hastily got up and wrapped myself with towel to go to the bathroom. when i opened the door of my room, the first question mum asked —

“isn’t this luesi? is this her? or is it monti? tapi monti kat situ… ini luesi, kan, kak yong?”

i peered at the half size luesi. yup, half size she is. her small face stares back at me. she looked shrunken but never defeated. i’ve always said she’s a survivor. to think that how this poor little furball is determine to come back home and find her way back. she must be so relieved to smell the familiar scent of us, the porch, the cars, the other group is still around and foremostly, my mother.

we were supposed to drive up to penang at 7am but we postponed it to 9. all of us were in a shocked relief to see luesi’s back and we sooo want to spend time with her. thought of bringing luesi along — though i racked inside my head of preparing her toilet — and mum says that azmee wouldn’t be able to sleep then. we both agree that luesi will be okay at home, she will not be going anywhere else. i would think that luesi is more than legaaa that she’s finally home… tak kuasa nak pergi anywhere else.

+ + +

arrived the little flat at kedah road around 3pm, there was an accident at the bridge. there was a volvo xc90 in gold with the plat number PN15. couldn’t help reading it as penis.

mum: megah betul dengan plat number tu.

what with the traffic and cars crowded together at the bottleneck, it’s revolting keep seeing that stupid suv. since i wasn’t driving, i just propped myself at the backseat, replaying superhuman again and again. qieqie would prompt me when american sweetheart is on air. once he got my attention as i unplugged the earphone, he would switched to another radio station.

the three of us wailed off to secondhand serenade’s fall for you as we got through the bridge and speeding off to the komtar area.

+ + +

i thought i would be eating a lot in penang. what with i screwed up the diet the whole weekdays with kfc for lunch (twice), and a whole bunch of carbs and fats i devoured. and i made the statement out loud to chap that i don’t take nasi kandar and curry. but i was hella hungry anyways when i arrived and belasah je the kari ikan — just the gravy cause i dont like to eat rice just dry like that, ayam goreng, telur dadar and nasi panas. and the cofffeeeesss.

alane, kak lina and afiq was there too.

moi: alane, i forgot the mirrors… but here’s the receipt.
alane: nice try.

najwa left to visit her lecturer and friends at her uni. azmee was doing his thing. qieqie retired to bed — macam lea dia yang driving tadi. the aunts and their brother left the residence for a while to visit their eldest cousins. aunt B was telling me that i could eat anything i want and do as many pots of coffee as i like. she left the house with her signature curse, “pa. nun. ta. ta.”

+ + +

the next day, as usual, the visit to sg petani. there were eight of us and conveniently divided to two age groups. the elder ones and the remajas.

najwa: yang remaja semua naik crv!
aunt M (her mother): jangan nak mengada ye. kome naik matrix.
aunt B rolls on the floor laughing.

as we all piled up inside the matrix, azmee driving and qieqie co-pilot, najwa instructed the sunglasses-wearing.

aunt B: tengok tu nab, diorang baru keluar mahkamah syariah (she likes to associate the altantuya sunglasses whenever we put them on).
najwa: hu hu hu… kitorang ni semua kena tinggal dengan laki kami.
aunt B: bukan, kome sebab tak dapat naik crv.

aunt B rolls on the floor road laughing.

+ + +

marie antoinette and her powder blue carriage

not that we dreaded it so much about going to sg petani… we just like to do a lot of things when we are in sg petani. instead of heading straight to aunt H’s, we went for a pre-lunch at the metro area nearby village mall. huuu, situ ada starbucks, dowhhh… boleh survive ke? tesco at every corner the way starbucks once were. i should say sg petani is overdosed with hypermarkets, especially tesco. and that is only in one zone of the state.

najwa was craving for mee jawa. qieqie ordered the most decadent thing on the menu. i just must have coffee. with the peanut butter french toast. azmee, surprisingly, only ordered ice lemon tea. he picked up the tab as well.

the aunts immediately ring our cells as we were about to leave. another surprise, sg petani was experiencing rush hour. i guess we forgot that the kedah people start their week on sunday. and then, there were twenty police trucks of FRUs — gorgeous, mostly. of course, najwa and i went hyped but not so hyped for najwa to shot a few pixs as the trucks passed on her side. here we are, in the state of trouble political situations, the one of the many segments in this “theatrical” MPs drama… whateverrr i’m just ignorant like that.

arrived aunt H’s residence. lunch. watched lipstick jungle. afternoon naps. got up, spend the rest of the evening at the compound, chatting with sazali on the phone. went back to the isle. this time we’re riding in the crv.

on the way back, there was a beautiful and complete semi circle of a rainbow. in MM’s words, dua-dua belah menyentuh bumi, with the fantastic landscape of the blue sky, green paddy field and one solitary rumah kampung. gorgeous.

i put on new order’s ceremony. each time this track is played, i would get all festive and celebratory like marie antoinette’s 18th birthday in the film by sofia coppola. hence these particular photos inside the car. i looked at my pictures, and yeah… my eyes vanished when i smile. haha.


as per request by the elders, we tapau 10 bungkus mee udang at sg dua. the seller were generous with the prawns. we bring it back to alane — seems like customary that after sg petani will be a visit to alane’s for dinner. alane ordered 100 cucuk sate. blisss. in the words of my uncle, ” jangan risau tak habis. suraya dengan muqri sorang akan makan 25 cucuk.” yeahhh. that and more. haha.

saw the mirrors were already propped up on the walls of the dining area.
kak lina: punya lea excited kitorang nak pasang, tunggu afiq tido tulu. dia tido je, kami terus buat.

went back to the flat right around almost midnight. full twelve hours spent outside, not a single assignment manageable to be done, haha. after breakfast the next day, a special single mug of nescafe only for moi prepared by aunt B, we jetted off to kj. and what would never be thought of, chap drove right passed moi, doing 180 to 200 on the road. twice.

he was unchaseable. texted to say he’s home just mere minutes after i arrived and he dozed off superultraexhausted. of course, for someone who hates to drive.


until then… viva penang …

cookie jar

read about the character of jane eyre… that when she made it, found love, she never surrenders her independence — it’s the people around her who depended on her. as much as last time i did everything on my own, in the end, aku yang jatuh bersepai, berderai, berkecai, berterabur, bersepah-sepah dan menjadi sekecil zarah. thank you for the gals who quickly set up the r&d to build back a so-called new suessy suraya suhaimi. but i don’t have to say it out loud — even though i always do — people will see the changes in due course, as according to jasmine.

after for awhile, it is nice to know there’s someone who’s attentive about you. this is the start of the turning point when you surrender your independence. demam sikit je dah nak mengadu, stress with work nak mengadu, merajuk dengan girlfriends nak mengadu, ada family problems nak mengadu… apart from all the bliss of teasing and flirting and this early stage of crush. meragam bila dia tak ada, tak senang duduk bila dia lambat, depress bila dia away.

rimasss. i don’t think this is love, despite of how it looks like to everyone else.


bukan sebelum ni kau kan boleh buat everything on your own. tak perlu berteman pun. kawan-kawan lelaki kau jadi lelaki-lelaki yang lebih baik — haha!, menjagakan kau. mengingatkan kau yang kau cuma perlu jadi diri sendiri, jangan ikutkan orang sangat. kawan-kawan lelaki kau — dan adik lelaki kau — berkali-kali memberitahu kau untuk move on, think one step ahead, always remember apa yang kau ada, tanya balik, “layak ke dia untuk kau?”, “boleh accept dia sepenuh hati kau?” and i gotta admit… i’m answering no to each question.

in a way, i do felt like a little bit trapped. guess this is how a guy feels bila terpaksa committed. bila nak kena menjawab. aktiviti terpaksa dikurangkan, tak boleh nak panjang langkah. i’m still not having enough fun. i don’t want to settle down just yet.

identify it in you, kau tak perlu squeeze yourself to fit into his life. kau tak perlu turun satu level untuk fahamkan dia. bukan maksudnya aku ni black widow. aku sombong nak mampos tak sedar diri. aku demand lebih — kalau the man bagi aku cincin belah rotan pun aku pakai — tapi ini reminders. aku selalu lupa. and i’m still able to be surprised, to be reminded, that he would listens, he would be patient, he would adhere, he would just smile and let it go. mungkin early stage… yeahhh.

tapi lelaki macam tu untuk kau memang ada, okey. it’s only a matter of whether you are ready to let yourself go or not.


so when he’s not around anymore… kau takkan jatuh teruk like the last time you did. nak buat r&d is expensive, you know.

homey homey


v: so… what are you going to do today?
moi: housewifery.

try your hardest not to sleep til noon. at least for moi, it’s rewarding. wake up early and stay awake.

doing laundry, sweeping and mopping at ease. coffeesss. take a look around you. the house is so peaceful, so quiet… and everything is at its place. the cats are fed, and they playfully swipe your leg as they skip to the door for their ritual morning greeting to nature. bath. take it easy and soaked yourself til your hands turned to raisin. scrubbing, conditioning, the works.

days like these tak makan pun takpe. just coffee. i would go for sandwiches in the morning. and those delectable — *aaargggh!!! aku tak tau nama kuih tu!!! —. anything gulai lemak and ikan keli goreng for lunch. dinner… i’ll skip. coffee all day round.

laze. no plans. nobody calling. no rush. no getting ready. layan all those downloads and properly concentrate. time stretch for your assignments. idyllic and in your own sweet time.

five days a week rushing and lack of time for everything. and weekend arrives when everything is at a temporary halt and you just enjoy it.

“best sangat ke duduk rumah?”

*tau kan perasaannya bila kau tak tau nama kuih buatan keturunan kau sendiri?

moi: kuih tu macam seri muka, bawah pulut tapi atas tu coklat… guna gula kabung…
zaki: alaaa… aku tau kuih tu, tapi aku tak ingat nama dia… cuba kau google, seri muka lookalike… atau seri muka family ke… cuba cuba cuba!


diagnosed: datephobic

i want to get the date out of the way. somehow it keeps glaring at me.

+ + +

diagnosed: spendaholic

on saturday vesper went for her checkup. her lock has been repaired and gives out such a defeaning sound like a gunshot. horrifying, truly. Dad requested for 100% cotton white shirts but we found oxford cotton instead but alas, no size. somewhat defeated, and restless for not shopping, and restless for not buying a new pair of shoes — not even Mum could decide which scholl to buy that i would chipped in a couple of tens for her — i purchased L’s birthday present a little tad too early. and have it bagged altogether.


puas hati.


antidote: self-control

+ + +

diagnosed: reasonable

had lunch with sazali and the first thing that happened between us was our first time heated arguement as friends — although i did much of the shouting. i was upset with a few girls’ blog i read who are currently undermining themselves with the state of being single. they are not all to be blame as they would not be able to help themselves to feel that way because of the society.

sazali: sape yang buat diorang (the girls) jadi macam tu?
moi: men.
sazali: despite the fact that they have a comfortable monthly income — four, or five figures. despite the fact that they are better off than before… but when one is dumped or left for another — walaupun they are the one who decided to end the relationship — akan rasa shitty tahap the shittiest.

dearest society, at one point, please do consider that it could have been your son who broke the heart of a wonderful woman to pieces. then again, why would your son deserve such a bravura creation from HIM?

yes, if they were my own brothers, do not disown your sister for being on your partners side.


being fair, sazali had his go with me for being such a materialistic person.

sazali: kau nak lelaki yang ringan tulang, yang ramah, tapi mesti kaya… mesti anak dato’… ape yang best sangat dapat anak dato’?
moi: darling, there’s so few of men who value their responsibilities. tak mewah, tak apa. tapi mencukupkan. kalau lebih, it’s a bonus. goes without saying the man has to be ringan tulang… especially when there’s family gatherings, tambah lea family aku… tak ramah, tak ape, tapi tak lea berat mulut. kalau kau mewah segalanya, boleh mencukupkan dan melengkapkan but became a model that i do not want my children to follow, i’ll passed him up — without so much as batting my eyelashes.

+ + +

diagnosed: adored friend/sister

i was all ranting with ben for his mia ever since the new year that he eventually put down a date in february for a twenty-four hour date and a new pair of patent mary jane so that he will not have to go through another eight-year sentence and missed my wedding in case my wedding will not be in another ten years instead.


sue: whenever i though of it, i was shrieking to myself, how could i forgot about this? so i just want to confirm it with you, and this is a gentle reminder for both you and me, that you will give to me that extra set of victorias secret, yes?
sid: (chuckles) yes, of course.




this is a private party

yes, outdated… found this between the old e-mails as i was clearing out my mailbox, explicitly screening those who broke my heart.


this was fun. superb. mum made it perfect. mum supervised every step of the way. the girls were ultra impressed. they arrived straight from work, with a small duffel and a bag of make up that at the time i was still a virgin to those tools (now i have almost every single item, except a hairdryer and push-up bras). there was even a mini valet that mum co-ordinated. room was set to a specific lighting and air-conditioned. the sparkling juice, the pies, the endless supplies of coffee, the ultra late delicious brunch that mum prepared. the checkout at 5pm with a homemade doorgift — courtesy from the aunt in the isle — to bring home to. 


at this time, the girls were already telling moi not to answer the calls from arwah — that was a good practice, else, i will not be here. smile.

aneeza: kau planned semua tu untuk dia? gosh… kau tak perlu tunggu orang lain cakap, i’ll say it first — you. are. the. best. girlfriend.

anysz: aneeza susah untuk di-impressed.

thank god all the plans burnt to ashes and will never be permitted to rise like a phoenix, but suessy rised like one… haha! a different top in every series of pictures is one tedious rule to follow, but goes a long way. all the things that he gave just must go to the shredder.

reminder, reminder


got that out of the way.


thank god for a girlfriend like roha who is always with plans to have fun, to remind us to wear bikinis — despite being married, she still wears the hat, haha! — thank god for a girlfriend like aneeza who is one of the best party planners with the must-have surprise element, thank god for a girlfriend like anysz with all her beautifying tools, and thank god for the last but not least, huda and cordee — the party-hardest babes — to show you how it’s done.

love you, love, love, looove!!!

… dressed head to toe in love. And that’s the one label that will never goes out of style.

Carrie Bradshaw



S at the hotel nearby her favourite playground, carrying three giant totes on her left and three freshly laundered garments on her right. one who never believes to travel light even for a few hours stay. bff A and R would be proud with S‘ hairdo and a DVF wraparound khaki dress she dolled herself up for the dinner.

the next day, half sleepy driving around mum’s ms lilac running errands, S stopped at her favourite pet store and flopped on the sofa. there — one of her favourite therapies — she cooed and played around with the british shorthair kitty that is for sale at eighteen hundred, and the long-hair grumpy-yet-desperate-for-attention persians that are waiting for their grooming session. S also purchased a new toy for her kitties that would match her bedroom.

home. splurged a few trinkets for her besties that will be shipped by next week.

we the jetsetters

only without the *pj. yet.

right after we touchdown kj (perasan) at 12pm, i took half an hour to clean up the kitchen, and deciding on whether to go to the wedding or not. not that i dreaded it but i have been minding a mean sore throat since friday that no strepsils has helpded to toned it down, it generated my sinus instead. on saturday, i stayed in bed and only got up to take food and pills. the fever started running high again after the sinus and sore throat combined itself for a fantastic duo and i hated myself for not bringing supplies of ezede. along the ride back to kj yesterday, i slept most of the time, drowsy with the otc drugs mum got for me.

back to the deciding whether i am going to the wedding or not… i was missing jasmine and suerie and wani and dying to meet them and i knowww i would regret it if i didn’t go once i’m there — what more our relationship is maintained only by the threads of blogging, fb-ing and occassional e-mails/phone calls. additional to that, he was nice enough to come back for me from his trip, arriving earlier than me at 5.30am, left the other 80 missed calls unattended while he was away but will promptly answer at my first ring.

i got ready frantically within half an hour, a brief bath only to dismissed the body heat, ironing the kebaya top and the mermaid skirt, applying disastrous eyeshadow/glitter combination, dusted eyeliner, clumpy mascara and be overdosed with it, slathering lotions on hands and feet, failing gloriously to curl the hair with the iron — anysz was unavailable to do the bob — transferring ids and money into the pouch, picking up the invitation card and sunglasses. despite the frantic preparations, wani politely remarked, “you looked nice…” (oui, i never missed a praise!) aah ~~~ berada di awang-awangan.

we headed to the venue and dished on each other’s holiday, magic mushroom, perfumes (lurrrves carolina herrera 212 on men!) mistaken the number of casualties in bangkok with the ones in gaza, suzuki hayabusa (which i saw one on the way home and immediately lost interest as the rider took off his mask), among other things. we got lost twice — the same amount as with the wedding with anysz at hulu langat (see, suessykau bukan tak ade sense of direction, kau berjaya menemui lokasi perkahwinan tersebut, shabas bheti!), at night and it was lamp-less! then again, the food was worth the journey — with the second time mistaken menara mpk for the dewan perbandaran.

as we drove in, i saw the one and only suerie walking back to the hall — i knowww that lithe figure. after we parked and walked towards the entrance, along called after me. she told me everyone was inside, i hoped i won’t have the trouble locating them. i first saw wani — simultaneously working out to recognize the gal next to her —and said hi (she looked surprise), asking of jasmine’s but wani said she’s working then i saw the others on the next table, think nizam saw me first with his ultra-adorable impression/expression commenting on the hair, and i greeted suerie (she looked surprise too!) and tried locating iekmal or maybe i just didn’t see him, i was a bit at vulnerability.

i wasn’t really with an appetite, the slump in the tummy was kicking uncomfortably but he ate with relish all three senduk of rice. i was terrified with the ice cold orange cordial and what it’d do to my throat. also terrified with the catering guy who keeps telling me to take out the senduk off its container — okay, okay!

then again, bali’s chenta was beautiful — looking elegant on her day than her usual pretty looks on other days, love the red colour on their songkets… in short a very simple and modest wedding. may they are blessed with matrimonial love until their very last breath.

hang out for awhile before leaving to go to his friend’s wedding in putrajaya, said congrats to bali and i thought i could just pinched in to say goodbye to the gals — i was after all, rudely intruding their fhoto session, tapi tetap sempat to take a few shots also, haha! wani was a bit comic (i say this with affections!), “adakah itu yang baru — oh, is that the right word?” (pardon the inaccuracy), suerie trailed her slim fingers through my bob-proof hair and nizam confirming that he’s only facebooking these days (i’m missing the antiques of this intellectually hilarious), and i finally saw iekmal with one of his favourite toys. for that brief moment, i was truly happy, i love this lot. i wish i could spend more time but alas, another wedding to go to. said goodbye to all, along and arief and finally i realized that the gal who sat beside wani earlier was beck’s dhilla — the newlyweds.

congratulations to those who’ve tied the knot — bali/halily, nizam/farah, arief/jamal, beck/dhilla — wishing each of you a blissful married life ahead, ;-)!

we were flaky for the putrajaya wedding, most of the guests went home already. then again, i could tell the wedding was a gorgeous one, it was garden-themed and roha would kill for the pink and yellow orchids and i helped myself shamelessly to a trio of lilies (it was on every table). let’s talk food, nevermind the main course and i suddenly forgot that i actually have a burning, itching, sahara throat. the desert lineup was scrumptious — i lurrrve! as he was talking out loud with his friends, but first reminding me not to eat the ice cream due to my sore throat — so?, i helped myself with the vanilla ice cream+almond flakes+raisins+jelly first, and moved to the chocolate eclairs, the classic blackforest slice, cheese pudding (so effing divine!), fancy fruit cocktails with pudding in those tall and slim champagne glasses and my favourite, the sirap selasih — with real seeds to nibble. just that dying craving for sweets — my god the ever widening waistband, dah lea berkebaya, challenging! the weather was beautiful, slightly windy, the view of the lake was gorgeous and this is already an idyllic treat for moi i was so thankful i’m alive and i didn’t mind indulging this simple pleasure all by myself — an older couple later joined me and there was the polite chitchat (might be future motherinlaw, you would never know, i could inherit her chanel, ;-p).

arrived kj around six, and he was asking where else i’d want to go and i told him we could make a visit to aneeza’s to pick up my Travis the Second. and for aneeza to do a run-through post mortem on me.

that is all.

*pj — private jet