gentle reminder

shes euphoric, she ~

tuesday is my birthday, you know

don’t question me, darling
i’m just too happy like i know i will be spending the rest of my life with you
and you will wear my heart on your sleeve til the day you die

don’t question me, love
i’m just too happy to know that we can do all the things we like
just seeing you coming for me i am emitting squeals of giddy
we are always so happy
we are always laughing
and you will never leave me alone

thank you, thank you sweethearts
i’m already thanking you not because i’m expecting anything
but i’m just too overwhelmed with your thoughts
and my birthday marked the day that you let me have a place in your life
forever and ever more

thank you for having me, love.

Advertisements

just because

okae atau pun tak okae? mum meroyan selepas aku meroyan tak nak bangun pagi-pagi dan mandi before she left for taiping. aku kan nak tidur sehappy-happynya! aku cuba untuk muhasabah diri that this may be the last time i’d see her (nazubillahiminzalik, safe journey mum!) but i failed. aku tengok muka aku kat cermin bilik air sangat sembab dengan mata sejepun mungkin sebab nak bukak mata pun tak larat. akibatnya, aku tak boleh keluar dengan roha — mampos aku nak mengadap roha nanti.

happy birthday darling roha!
dan dalam kepala aku keep staring at the date 11 july and asked myself — this is a significant date… tapi kenapa ya? haihhh, bff yang failed. mohon ampun beribu-ribu ampun rohaaaa!!!

hmmm, anyways, i told myself something during the last tahlil i attended that i don’t have to blog about this (the tahlil). not that i am too tired or too lazy to blog, it’s just that i don’t have to blog about this just because.

i was having fun doing the tahlil, despite i was not good at it and being socially-challenged. i realized that all i have to do is smile all the time and someone would catch the friendly face i put on and held out their hands to moi. sebenarnya aku taklah berat mulut sangat. in the end aku ni memang kecoh kepoh mek joyah jugak bila dah seronok sangat disakat dan menyakat — omg, mampos aku what would JL thinks of moi? i wonder how loud i was when miss arr asked mr es, “bila lagi ni (for moi and mr es to bersanding after she keeps saying the both of us looked sedondon)?” and mr es pondered for awhile asking moi and trying to top his voice and others i told him, “you belum pun jumpa mak i lagi!” haihhh, gelabah suessy.
also, with this new company, having JL as the boss keep me rooted to the faith that i failed to cling on each second. at least attending this and participating into activities like this — even though it started as part of the duty, earning recognition, socializing with colleagues, and alike — aku akan sentiasa beringatlah dengan Qiamat dan Akhirat pokoknya. being that JL is the superboss and he is superbusy, when he has the time to socialized, he’s very warm, friendly, and attentive. just like the previous boss who asked mr el how i’m doing at the new company. i missed how my previous boss was like a father figure to me career-wise and beringat tentang Ad-din. and i thank him from the bottom of my heart for putting in good words and supporting moi all the way when JL inquired to him if it’s okay for JL’s company to hire me.

hmmm… nampaknya aku blog jugak about it.

oh yea, JL is short for james lesure. tapi bukanlah boss aku mat saleh masuk islam. he looks like james lesure. miss kay is my team member, and our boss is miss ai. miss ai is the cmo, and mr el is the ceo. both of them reports to JL.

and mr es thought i am married. or at least ade boyfriend. nevermind the at least ade boyfriend part. he is the second to have thought aku dah berlaki. dulu sazali pernah casually mentioned, “maybe orang ingat kau dah kahwin kot.” prayyy tell moi how do i gracefully accept this as a compliment (kira secara facade aku ade rupa lea kot dan mampu berkahwinaku masih cuba untuk optimis dan terus tersenyum) and figure out celah mana yang nampak aku macam dah kahwin so that orang yang maybe target aku takkan memalapkan hajat dan niat diri sendiri untuk tackle aku. maka?

moving on…

aku tak nak tengok pride walaupun aku download jugak because aku ade intense female jealousy towards yuko takeuchi. aku tak boleh terima (pada masa itu) dia digandingkan dengan kimutaku — macam aku tak boleh terima james mcavoy dengan keira knightley dan aku sure sesangat that sexual tensions dah lama ada di antara keira dan deppster di mana akhirnya mereka akan bercium jua (refer POTC), ceh! and aku tak boleh handle lagu-lagu queen yang menjadi soundtrack official untuk dorama itu.

but then, aku tahu masa akan tiba bila akhirnya aku akan embraced juga dorama ini. dan masanya adalah sekarang — akhirnya dah habis download all episodes (^-^). observing yuko takeuchi — okaylah. aku boleh terima. she and her perfectly manicured fingernails.
and kimutaku — ohmigudnez kimutaku. gorrrrrrgeous. he was cheeky, notty nak mampos, arrogant and absolutelysimplyirresistible. rasa nak kunyah-kunyah his lips time dia senyum ruefully after he looked in the crowd searching for aki and he’s too happy when he found her but of kross lea dia cover dan senyum gitu-gitu je. huuu gorgeous.

dan lagu-lagu queen dalam dorama pride itu? bearable, ;-). aku nak lagu i was born to love you dimainkan masa aku bersanding… time potong kek kot. ternyata cinta maybe jadi background lagu video akad nikah since mak aku nak kompang jugak mengumumkan ketibaan pengantin masuk dewan dan bukannya korus lagu itu (secara dramatiknya lagu mula dimainkan masa emcee umum pengantin akan masuk ke dewan dan meminta kerjasama tetamu untuk sedia menyambut and then bila pengantin first jejak je masuk dewan, confetti rama-rama — macam confetti untuk konsert coldplay performing for bbc channel during lagu lovers in japan — akan dilontarkan berlatarbelakangkan korus lagu. climax, no?). for the whole wedding video, aku nak lagu ceremony by new order, buat style sofia coppola’s marie antoinette, scene the queen’s 18th birthday… woot woot!

yeahhh, saya belum berkahwin dan masih very single. calon masih dicari. atau tunggu dia datang.

aku rasa aku okay. although aku tak tau ape akan jadi lepas ni and maybe dunia aku terbalik bila mum dapat tahu that aku deliberately tak bayar vesper’s and asb’s loan last month and the fact that i lied to her saying that i paid them — whyyy does she reads my letters from the bank? dah nak masuk 26 tahun pun kena grounded — the rules applies on those who lives in her house.

aku rasa aku okay sebab aku rasa aku okay. just because. walaupun dalam department tanggungjawab lain aku failed, tapi aku tetap lebih baik sebab aku tak give in to lust to desperately fixed what’s already broken. slate ini perlu dimaintainkan clean — aku dah banyak sangat messed up in other departments already, haihhh. it wouldn’t be fair for my future husband also. kalaulah sekali pun future husband aku itu being unfair towards moi (nauzubillah), tapi at least aku tau bukan diri aku sendiri yang being unfair to myself — in this particular department, that is.
dan aku tak nak lagi kusut kepala memikirkan macam mana nak fit in myself into his life, justifying excuses on his mere existence to my acquaintances, and fitting him as according to what my mum advises moi in getting a good man for the rest of my life. macam rara cakap, “aku mau hidup yang biasa-biasa aja”. berkahwin, punyai anak dan hidup sederhana — lelaki itu haruslah the provider yang mencukupi dan melengkapi. kemewahan itu bonus. aku rasa aku dah used up a lifetime’s worth of berkorbanadjustapasajaforhim part in my life. aku dah selfish selepas pasrah. teramat letih mentally which affects everything else and i do not want to go there anymore. mum is controlling but i accept her as she is despite differences in opinions and i know that she’s always right. before everything else, she puts ahead the best for moi — walau apa pun.

i’m sorry mama!
i never meant to hurt you!
i never meant to make you cry!
but tonight give me time and i’m will cleaning out my closet set things back on track!

insya Allah

firefighter no. three

mengah. sesak nafas. sakit dada. terlampau stress this time around. tak sangka it totally gets me. letih dengan kerja. letih fikir mana nak cari duit bayar hutang. letih tidur tak nyenyak sebab otak sepanjang masa beroperasi sampai mimpikan yang bukan-bukan sehingga minit-minit terakhir yang dibenarkan untuk tidur sebelum mulanya bergopoh-gapah bersiap untuk ke tempat kerja. lepas tu meragam tak cukup tido. makan pun missed.

pretty hectic week.

mula-mula agak profesional dan cool, calm and collected mengharungi segala bullshits, hiccups and shortcomings. until that one last straw which broke the camel’s back. floodgate terus open, menangis meraung nak lepaskan lelah tapi masih rasa tebal dalam diri, kecewa, kesal dan amarah berbaki. yang aku rasakan agak bersebab, dan mampu justify… but still felt fcuked up and messed up.

find a meroyan buddy. find a punching bag volunteer. yeahhh, thank god for zarko.

but then, tiba-tiba aku teringat elyas. macam aku boleh bayangkan he said, “siapa sue? siapa buat kau menangis? nanti aku pegi belasah dia!”

aku admit aku tak pernah tau dan sangka elyas sesensitive seperti mana he actually is. anysz commented that he is very family-oriented. dia memang sangat concern of his girlfriend’s girlfriends’ being. dan juga aku rasa sangat amusing seeing it coming from someone like him — aku memang baru nak kenal elyas.

macam bila aku cakap aku felt almost paralyzed masa migraine due to asap rokok — elyas never stopped campaigning the fact to every one everytime one starts to light one up in my presence. the least dia akan tanya, “ko okay tak, sue?” masa birthday cordee dan dalam bilik kedap udara tu, he took the initiative to smoke inside the toilet — for the first time aku tak rasa bothered langsung dengan sinki berhabuk rokok.

and that night after the last time we went to soho and aku overnight with someone, he was totally concern about the company i was with. aneeza and him took a good look at the make of the car, the registration number and the profile before they took off.

and then, the lunch we all had kat chow kit, he helped to separate the tables so that aku tak perlu duduk at the next table sengsorang and we alllll can eat together like one big family. papa bear lea elyas tu, haha… ntah lea spontan je keluar the nickname.

pastu aku teringat elyas commented sambil dia belek the necklace anysz gave moi, the bangle aku beli kat forever 21 and jam solvil aku yang aku letak tepi laptop dia, “banyak betul aksesori kau sekarang, sue.” and aku cakap aku tak macam ni masa in the last relationship because that’s not what the boyfriend likes, so sekarang aku beli dan pakai je apa yang aku suka dan nak melaram. “kenapa dia tak suka kau pakai rantai, pakai bracelet semua? ni yang boyfriend yang kau nak belikan kasut tu, eh? kenapa yea, dia macam tu?”

it comes to a point also that, aku sangat care to know what elyas thinks of my future possible boyfriend. heard it from the grapevine that elyas don’t fancy this particular guy yang aku rasa aku suka lah kot. i know elyas boleh dibawa berbincang pretty simply so i asked him about it point blank. as predicted, it was nothing of the truth — pada aku elyas is totally sensible and rasional, and that guy is just an ordinary guy without much fuss… i’m glad. and yeahhh, aneeza doesn’t get it why it would matter if elyas doesn’t like the guy i’m dating — it matters to me not only of elyas’ thoughts, but also the other six people i heart close to me to like, approve or at least get along with my future possible boyfriend. penting.

and now… it’s just that after melekit-lekit muka menangis tak sudah sampai tak boleh nak pujuk diri sendiri and tenangkan hati… aku teringat elyas. he’s funny and amusing like that. and a totally good friend. i’m happy for aneeza to have him.

yup witzwicky, thanks for listening through, ;-)!

super extra gravity

cuzn M: suraya, cepat, bagi tarikh birthday boyfriend you! i want to calculate the compatibility of the two of you.
moi: oh, i takde boyfriend.
saynut: dia memang tak ade boyfriend. skandal boleh, skandal?
cuzn M: tak bolehhh.
saynut: alaaa, boleh lea!
moi: oh, takdetakde! i’m clean. i takde skandal, takde affair, takde flings, takde boyfriend.
cuzn M: sesiapa yang you ada minat ke… prospects?
moi: ohhh, masih terlalu terlalu awal!

(dalam kepala)
terlalu awal itu betul. tapi dia itu juga, hm…. aku main kira-kira huruf, campur-campur, then dapat peratus kemungkinan dia menyukai aku (80% and above is a go, 80% ke bawah say sayonara) pun aku dapat 50% … hik hik. as much as aku menunggu dia setiap kali, stalk dia sampai aku pun tak teringat bila aku bookmarked his fb page (in my defense: kelakuan luar sedar), melompat gembira kearnaban bila dia tanyakan tentang aku… tapi, hmmm.

sekaranglah aku faham the need to buat berkawan dulu. ya, kali ini saya tidak mat saleh sesangat boleh terus flirt, letak tangan di pinggang dan terus makeout dalam public toilet. haha! karut.

according to aneeza, aku lebih grounded kali ini. to anysz aku pledge (based on her remarks, “you need to grow up suessy!” which i take to heart after thorough evaluation), i am not allowing myself this happiness. roha: who are you dating this time?! i am sooo curious!  — buat pertama kalinya dan dengan bersungguh aku cakap kat roha, “no one! there’s no one! i am not seeing anyone right now!”

i realized, i was fiercely telling myself to learn from the past recent mistakes, was okayyy with the fact that we’re friends — dia boleh sebut statement tu sampai ke cerah, aku tak akan patah hati langsung. at times bila aku start depressed dan stressed aku akan breathe his name, lepas tu akan automatically ingatkan diri aku yang aku boleh rawat diri sendiri dengan tentang diri aku sendiri. i can breathe his name later — when i am with him, regardless as friends or more. but right now, this is all about me and i am my own love. the nice things he unknowingly did for moi: yeah, it was nice — and that’s just it.

aku dah lama tak rasa ultimate satisfaction going all out for someone — equivalent to apa yang aku rasa masa tonton scene miyama kejarkan ke tempat kejadian masa keita pengsan, reiko dan toshiro embraced sepuasnya sebelum toshiro berlepas for his suicide mission, and bila sam gained consciousness and the first thing he said to mikaela is “i love you too.”

aku heart line mikaela — who else can be your girlfriend?

cuzn M: hmmm… elemen you logam, dia — air. air akan kontrol logam. not good.

moving on …

raise the bar

my mother tegur there’s so many men going on in my life. she named four out of —

somebody tegur the criteria i’m looking for in a man is quite high.

pada aku, semuanya sedang indah-indah belaka. bila yang indah-indah itu pudar, aku cari lain. aku tak suka tersilap faham, terlebih cemburu, terlalu mengawal keadaan, terlalu membiarkan keadaan go rollercoaster — semuanya datang dari aku dan aku tak suka bila aku dalam situasi sebegitu. aku suka indah-indah. keluar-keluar, drive-drive, jalan-jalan, makan-makan, flirt-flirt, minum-minum, balik dan tido. mungkin buat masa ini, aku memang tidak sesuai untuk commit. dan tak juga aku mahu duduk diam di rumah jadi biarawati. nggak.

tak semestinya bila seorang lelaki dan seorang perempuan itu dilihat bersama mereka adalah pacar masing-masing. nggak. samada mereka dilihat di pusat membeli-belah, di panggung wayang, di restoran atau di majlis perkahwinan — mereka bukan sepasang kekasih. tidak sama sekali, bukan sama sekali, nggak sama sekali.

exclusivity is not easy to accomplished these days. at least not in my world. cue suara katak penyek sengau si vocalist simple plan — “welkamb tuu maii laifff.”

right now —

kfc OR snack plate tak mampu ku habiskan
the book that inspired sofia coppola to do marie antoinette did not delight me enough to purchase it
tiada satu lagu favourite yang nak aku dengar ulang-ulang. estrella’s stay, katy perry’s thinking of you,
pesawat’s mirage — tiada yang menggembirakan aku. oh yea, lupa… david guetta’s love is gone adalah current anthem.
candace bushnell dan harry potter tidak menginspirasikan aku.

 

yes, aku memang telah hilang. transition ini sangat payah. atau mid-life crisis ini sesungguhnya satu fasa yang sangat pedih untuk dilalui.

 

i’m just a serial dater.

diagnosed: anxiety attack

“you have the most beautiful ECG. i love to see the v4, v5, v6… all evenly spaced. no up and down. no silent heart attack.”

just. very. stressed.

20081006_entourage_560x3751

somehow, bila dah keluar dari office and duduk dalam vesper sorang-sorang drive balik, memang sangat rasa macam dalam satu lorong gelap. lorong gelap yang memanjang. tak nampak apa-apa langsung. tau kan macam mana masa kecik-kecik dulu takut duduk dalam gelap. tutup lampu je, atau bila blackout, terus panik nak mati. macam tu lea perasaannya. menangis meratap macam mati laki. bersungguh-sungguh menangis teresak-esak. sedihkan ape pun ntah. cuma dah rasa sangat terbuku. rasa nak meletup tulang rusuk tatangkan depresi.

tapi yang aku suka hari ni, bila sazali experienced skin crawling, suruh aku kuatkan radio — “korang tengah cakap ape ni? kuatkan radio!”. and nurlin was ever supportive… thanks, babe.

dan yang paling aku suka walaupun meratap dalam hati fikirkan mum, is bila mum and dad datang clinic masa aku tengah buat ecg. doc talked to mum and dad while i waited outside. afterwards, they came out of the room and sat next to me side by side. dad terus bukak cerita pasal that device yang boleh pasang trent dalam vesper, and then we got to talking about movies and documentaries. lepas tu pegi madam lim for supper. masa tu rasa aku tak perlukan apa-apa. aku tak fikirkan sesiapa dalam kepala. aku nak hidup macam ni saja tanggung makan minum my parents. whatever they heart desired. rasa sangat bertuah, lebih bertuah dari orang lain. my mum and my dad sit next to me, side by side.

and you know the only thing their heart desired is to see their children healthy and happy.

“boleh tak bagi ubat berhenti menangis? asyik menangis je keje …”

kesian L panik meloncat-loncat passedkan celly to mum bila aku cakap aku tak boleh nak bernafas.

tapi aku marah also. dalam perasaan yang baru aku realize, aku memang antara yang terbaik… kalau tak, takkan dah masuk tiga orang cakap aku boleh cope better dari yang sepatutnya? tapi sekarang ni aku tak mampu to handle it better. walaupun aku masih muda, walaupun dulu aku memang excellent. sebab sekarang ni, aku letih. aku nak rehat. aku dah kongggg. fahammm?

tapi aku happy lepas jumpa family aku, kucing aku, hangout dengan roha dan bercakap dengan chap. ye, kau memang sangat menggembirakan aku. kalau tak, aku dah tak nak hidup. buat masa ini. i still have a place and an almost someone to come home too. sumpah, perasaan stress itu terus hilang.

dan datang semula anxiety attack itu bila aku bangun pagi kejap lagi.

denying the r&r

sanggupkah… duduk dalam panggung wayang yang sejuk nak mati —
mengharapkan pashmina yang huda bagi —
sebab tak feel lea peluk lelaki yang bukan boyfriend kau…
tak hangat langsung!
“… intimacy is cheap these days…” (ayat aku)
balik kepada pilihan pertama. sanggupkah duduk dalam panggung wayang yang sejuk nak mati tu… sebab esok dah kena jadi kuli balik. eew.

pilihan kedua: naik kereta tak ade air-cond, bawak laju-laju *doolu-doolu ada kawan-kawan juez yang memang racecar drivers, atau doolu-doolu aku ada fling yang naik genting macam roller coaster version dia sendiri dan multitaskingthrilllll* … sebab esok dah nak kena jadi kuli balik.

pilihan ketiga: tak nak tidur untuk hidup lagi for the last minutes before esok di mana kau dah nak kena jadi kuli balik.

duduk kat seat belakang. pakai seat belt. mencelah bila rasa ade mood, antara si dj sukasuka dan si firefighter. layan kepala. “byeee surayaaa.” height, height, height. duduk mengadap si pengulas sukan astro. bagi nickname jack black. sembang-sembang dengan jack black pasal wrestling sebab si firefighter sibuk jadi magic-mushroom-shake-tourist-guide kepada si caller on his LG.

crop hair dan eyelashes. low-cut top dan antique necklace. full lips dan board gut.

anything goes.
kalau mati diletupkan bom… i’d go for it.
suicidi-ta von to tease again.

karaoke must sing: katy perry’s thinking of you. bukan aku ingatkan kau, aku suka meratap.
buuust through the door and.. take me awayyy

 

*reality&responsibility