5054 (updated)

S might ruined her life yet again, in the manner of lindsay lohan.

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how are you?
my birthday’s coming and i’m pretty psyched about it.

what mountainous tasks you’re facing right now?
in short term would be, clearing my work backlog. and rearranged my wardrobe.

what do you plan to purchase next year — apparel-wise?
i need to update my inner wear. a matching bra and knicker set each month. and i need nu ballet flats, pumps, strappy heels and sandals. i will buy one pair each month so that at the end of the next year, i will have a dozen sets of matching inner wears, three pairs of ballet flats, three pairs of pumps, three pairs of strappy heels and three pairs of sandals.

what about investing in expensive handbag and doing facials? any commitment to the gym?
for now, those stuffs… i’ll leave it to the future husband.

people are wondering and asking about you and the rockstar journalist. what’s the story?
the story is… we’re budding friends.

the guy in your (facebook) profile picture?
seriously nobody knows who he is? he’s hafiz hatim!

who’s the future husband?
on the way, i think. or maybe it’s me who have yet to make it halfway. maybe he is the one waiting and i’m still figuring out how to read the map.

what’s the story with your girlfriends?
i don’t know. i think i was harsh. i was a pure bitch. i feel like staying away from everyone. not running away, just shrinking away. but if anyone passed by, smiles, says ‘hi’, i will returned it all. maybe not to certain people, for now i hate to do confrontations because i feel that it’s wasting my time. this is supposedly immature because it simply means that i am not looking at both sides and sulking away, obviously. but i just hate people right now. i lost it (faith, trust) in men, i lost it in girls too. i feel like, i don’t have friends. well, they are around but for now, i completely understand that i’m not being a good friend to them anyway, so… serves me right for being where i am right now if you can ever get what i mean. i’m just too tired. i think everyone’s tired too due to other obligations. but there are some sensitive topics you have to take care of right away. for instance, money. it’s a very sensitive subject that you need to address to promptly. even between flesh and blood you can go kill each other, what more between friends. so, when you feel like you had to arm-twist your friend to pay you back, and your friend said, “it’s just freakin’ 80 bucks!”. well, 80 bucks means the world to me, if its not much then pay me now. i hate to think of my friend this way, it’s not about the amount, it’s how your friend takes care of you the way you took care of your friend. and your friend have not so much text to inform when he’s gonna pay or what, like nothing, like your friend have no qualms about it at all.

so how many bridesmaids are you looking at right now?
(laughs) i used to have eight. i feel like they’re all the perfect combination. i severed ties with three of them already. one is in rekindling process. two is in the process of the-moment-of-truth, and one is, well, we’re getting tired of each other, i think. then again, by the time i get to get married, perhaps there’s none left because everyone’s already married too.

if there’s one who can write a short description in remembering you, who would you want to do it?
casperoha. i read KLUE’s 2010 annual 20 under 40 list and found them boring. most of them wrote in all high praises, it’s boring. there’s not much of a intriguing info for me to find out more about who is listed because the write up is too boring. this is what happened when it’s your bestie writing about you. casperoha is my bestie, but she delivers cold hard truth, to the point that i am always mentally prepared first before hearing to what she’s gonna say because truth always hurts, what more the cold hard ones. and she will always come up with a word i never thought would described me, but it kinda does, because she sees in me every angles and evaluate it against reality before she delivers her opinion. no one weights reality more than just-the-nice-things-your-friends-wanted-to-hear than casperoha. so yeah, i’d want her to write about me, and include the word ‘tenacious’ because that is the word i never thought would described me — that’s the one word she got to described me.

you really like to play with your hair, don’t you?
yup. it’s not a sure sign i like the guy. i just like my hair. a lot. it plays a vital part when i’m shocked — i would hold both ends and bring it to wrapped around my face. it became a signature act that most girlfriends pointed out to other people who just knew me when i’m doing it in front of them.

current favourite song(s)?
you know how soothing is the piano piece in republik’s hanya ingin kau tahu? i like it very much. and i feel like death’s very near to me or i keep remembering the dead, like, if the dead is still around, things would be… the song for that mood would be bloc party’s signs. i first heard that song from a gossip girl‘s episode on bart bass’ death. and since my birthday is coming around, i’m feeling marie antoinette  (i like new order’s ceremony as well) — in the interpretation by sofia coppola — i’m listening to the radio dept’s i don’t like it like this.

you’re going to be 27. sure still no prospect?
i am full of myself, wishful thinkings and aimless. i have no sure destination. i just know i want to be happy, that is simply enough after what i’ve been through because sometimes i just don’t dare to wish for more because i’m too scared to get hurt. regardless how much i’ve steeled away, i am still easily hurt and it is cast deep so it took some of my time, my energy, my feelings and i feel that those are wasted unnecessarily. the good thing i see from this is, i’m glad that i’m still human, i’m not an ice queen yet. and i’ve met enough guys to prove me right again and again. at the same time, they left me puzzled and perplexed. right until now, whatever the guy said, or mentioned, verbally or written, i’m not taking up on any of it unless he acted out the whole sentence — for a start. it’s a pity that men i’ve met have successfully materialized the phrase “talk is cheap”.
naturally i don’t think there’s anything wrong with me (haha).
… let’s just put it this way — we’re just not for each other. let’s just be neutral about it. ha ha.

shut up and pretend like you care

this is a damn delayed reaction.

i was offered this line to counter my tantrum —
“kau jangan terasa kalau kitorang tak ajak kau to join us to go bla, bla, bla…”

f-it. kalau girlfriend kau terasa, terasa lea. i was stupid to have accepted those as terms in order to keep the friendship and proved that i can improved for the better. to which i realized (this one earlier, not delayed) that i was the only one who did the changes. it wasn’t a two-way thing.

you see, to me, a guy can lie, can cheat, can treat you like shit — but not a girlfriend. but when a girlfriend does that to you, you can be sure as hell to break up with her just like when you break up with a guy.

“eiii. tak baik kau buat macam tu. itu kawan kau, tau. nanti macam mana bila orang lain buat macam tu kat kau?”

in the first place, i will not treat someone the way i do not want myself to be treated.

she’s gotta be worth it. or a has been.

fuck it. kata nak pegi mati sementara tengah lara. drama nak mampos. nampaknya lara itu sekejap saja. poyo gils.

— rileks lea, suess. it’s just a phase. like an exercise. you can do it right now. let her go. if she comes back… pehhh, it’s never gonna be the same.

adult, my ass. that’s why i never said i am one when it comes to something like this. i am simply moi.

read, and tell the world about it

Hey Suraya, how are you? I’ve seen u have gotten quite friendly with — since, on FB and Twitter. I would like to let you know that I’m uneasy about that You know, i like him and I wish you couldn’t interfere My chances are not high at all but yet I’m very sincere and it took me months to develop a good repotoire with him, personally and professionally. I’m threatened, that obvious. but i hope u understand how much i dislike most of your gestures in getting close to him, you don’t even know him. I know you have my best intention at heart, but that’s not what girl friends do. Frankly, i don’t even like it when u add him up on FB in the 1st place. I’ve told many of my girls bout him n none doing things u do. I hope you’d understand. But if you choose to ignore my msg, go on, you have the right to whatever u feel like doing in the world. Have a good day. Thank you.

i don’t feel like saying samasama — i don’t feel like thanking. i didn’t have a good day. i cried all evening to someone a thousand miles away, as he, with no questions asked took my baggage away. i choose not to ignore your message. i do understand but this is fucking shitty. what’s the relation of me with your girls — i say it’s irrelevant. whatever they want to do, what’s your jurisdiction on what they want to do — are you their mommy? frankly, it never hits me how much you like this guy until i heard you freaked out. i do have your best intentions at heart, i naturally mentioned you when i introduced myself — that’s what girlfriends do. yes i don’t even know him, that’s why i want to get to know him. i don’t want to get close to him but you should put some reservations that fate has its own way to twist the turn of events. why would you be threatened when you seems to know him better than me — you had months ahead of me and both professional and personal repertoire built already and… and… you are sincere at that! — but now, that sincerity is questionable. sincerity and spite don’t exist on the same page what more in one SMS. you’re taking chances, you should know there’s risks of competition, frustrations, failures but why’d someone like you let those get in the way — not someone like you… that i know. consider me interfering — heh, who mentioned that he and i would make a great couple when i told you we’re as different as night and day — but were both great writers, aren’t we? i would like to know how uneasy are you feeling now — fucking fucked up already? who fucked who? it’s you who fucked yourself. get a grip. get a fucking grip. you’re not his girlfriend. you’re not his fucking official girlfriend. with everything that you know of him that i DONT’ EVEN KNOW HIM, you are way ahead of me. you’re fucking over-reacting. i will keep getting friendly with him, not to spite you but because i want to.

but guess what —
i have other things happening in my life right now. i’m over the moon altimet would even tweet with me. one of my girlfriends who i think the world of, commented i’m looking prettier, which made my day. i have someone who complained i always left too early for him to say a proper goodbye to me i can’t believe he’s missing me that much. my kitten is dying with all its internal organs shutting down but she’s standing, she’s walking, she’s mewing and she’s eating — even the doc don’t want to consider euthanising her — tell me how it breaks my heart and how painful that last visit to the vet on eve ramadhan while everyone else performs their tarawih — even the doc said she will always remember this date. this morning one of my girlfriends lost her job — the job that she poured her heart out, taking care of everyone’s interest but herself, she’s the driver, the navigator, the manager, the planner, the caretaker — but everyone else around her fucking took her for fucking granted — you tell me how breakable and heart-wrenching is that knowing your girlfriend is being treated this way by others.

on top of this all, i’m welcoming ramadhan in tears — the one thing i look forward to but wtf an SMS i received from my girlfriend this afternoon. and i’m typing each word — because this is how much you mean to me. and don’t fucking hey me in that tone. i told you that you’ve been up in the air for quite some time.

why did i set distance

i’m still upset.

i realized i am still pretty upset.

it was like breaking up with a boyfriend. only times four. and the fact that i’ve known each of you for almost more than a decade.

i didn’t judge you when you were bitching about one of the girlfriends. but you will immediately shut me up when i do. it’s like, a constant reminder that i’m such a whiny, complaining slut.

i kinda realized that i’m real good at snubbing people. it is not called “the art of pretending other people not significant enough to exist” — it is really “the art of snubbing”.

never think that it will ever cross your mind that i’m loneliest with0ut my girlfriends. and i will never forgive the fact that when i talked about fuckface, you so royally believe that i am subconsciously in love with him.
why. would. i. fell in love. with the fuckface?

that was really one of the no-no questions to ask.

an afdal apology

first thing to do bila breakup. somehow i felt like i should be doing this masa mula-mula breakup, but i didn’t, oh well. macam one of kaoru’s comics — i cant remember which title — masa the girl fresh baru lepas breakup, pegi tengok wayang yang tak ramai orang pegi tengok, beli tiket untuk satu dan duduk mana suka lepas tu nangis puas-puas bertemankan tisu. sebab dalam panggung wayang tu gelap, takde sape akan nampak kita menangis.

okay, berbalik kepada first thing to do bila breakup. for me, pegi red box — yeahhh, red box sahaja yang afdal — gelapkan bilik, lepas tu pilih lagu membanjirkan bilik. satu lagu cukup untuk saya, dan senaraikan lagu tu one after another sampai lapan ratus kali atau selama empat jam. boleh mula melalak dan guling-guling atas sofa panjang warna hitam itu.

lagu pilihan saya, bila rasaku ini rasamu. video klip pun yang meruntun jiwa bila kau tengok perempuan tu all out silent screams bila lelaki itu dengan heyyy-rowwwnya mengorbankan diri untuk cinta.

tapi cobalah sejenak mengerti
sanggupkah engkau menahan sakitnya

mesti akan menangis sepuas-puasnya. tergolek-golek atas sofa tu sambil menghempas-hempas tapak tangan tak boleh terima kenyataan. tolak tarik rambut ke belakang, seka air mata dari pipi, tonyoh tisu pada hidung. layan kepala meremukkan hati habis-habisan sebab dah tak tau macam mana nak hidup lagi lepas terkhianati cinta yang kau jaga.

damn, bila fikir balik pada waktu itu, saat-saat pertama bersikap penuh penafian… menakutkan. serius tak tau nak hidup macam mana. punya lea rasa macam cuma tahu mengalirkan air mata je sepanjang hayat.

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i guess what i wanted from him is a full blown apology. he still owes me that. despite he treated me as so-called best friend, i supposed i am still spiteful when sometimes he forgot that i am not his girlfriend anymore. orang lain akan kata aku gila dan emosional sebab dengan engkau, dia tak macam tu. apa kau boleh nak faham kecamuknya perasaan aku? benda-benda yang aku suruh dia buat dulu, yang aku put forward, dia pandang remeh, acuh tak acuh dan anggap idea-idea tu membuang masa. jujurnya rasa diri diperlekehkan mentah-mentah apetah dia sedang bahagia goyang telor dengan orang lain. dan sekarang, dia sibuk dengan benda-benda yang aku suruh dia buat dulu. berbesar hati bercerita dengan aku. sampai aku yang rasa tak selesa. sebab aku bukan marketing executive dia lagi. bila orang puji, ntah kenapa aku rasa aku yang maukan kredit tu. tapi dia tetap rasa dia dah buat yang terbaik menjalinkan hubungan dengan aku. yang dia tak pernah selfish dengan aku.

bila rasaku ini rasamu, coba bayangkan kembali, betapa hancurnya hati ini kasih

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i may have not let you go yet because of that apology i want to hear so much. and it doesn’t at all mean that i still have feelings for you. i don’t. i’m just very bitter towards you.

smile, and let him have it

if you are one such professional positive mental guru, but you can’t handle me — that doesn’t make you a fucking expert in life so shut it.

who are you to tell me to loosen up, that i am too stressed about everything? haven’t it crossed your open-minded mind that you are only seeing me during these fucking messed up periods?  do you call me to just really chit chat every other day? do you ask me out on weekends? do we ever spend some fucking time when i am not that messed up for you to tell me how my emotions are right now? i don’t even look for you when i’m downtrodden like this but every time we meet when i am sane, you just love to rub it all over my face.

don’t show it so obvious that you know everything. most people hate the know-it-alls.

when you’re on the phone, you’re on the phone. you’re just as rude as the person who fucking cuts queue when you leave the person on the other line hanging just to remind me by telling me off that i should stop saying negative things as it will only attracts negative energy — people are not that impressed to know that this is the way you’re showing off that you’re very busy and important.

what makes you think it will get more positive with your approach of irritating and annoying people all the time? does this kind of things feed you positivity? isn’t it outrageously fucking ironic?

if you are that a jovial and take-it-easy kind of person, you would take that invite to be my fake boyfriend and play along for the drama. it doesn’t have to be all that heavy and soapy, that’s why they have dramedy and i prefer that genre very much, so blow me out of my mind with your fucking humour that i know you got it but you always chose to preach me like i need it. newsflash, i’m not that even a friend to you because each time we meet you love to irritate the hell out of me. or ignore me as you like it.

so i take your fucking valid question seriously because i weight and i note and i chose the words i’m going to use to answer your dammit question because it somewhat sums all about my current state including my past and my expectations for future. so i take my life fucking seriously when you don’t take mine seriously. why the hell would you care anyways?

i love to cry, i heart to cry, i enjoy crying and i indulge in my tears but that doesn’t make me weak at all. it’s God given gifts to us all and you just don’t know how to use it because it won’t go with your six-pack very well. so you think.

not everyone has gone through what you went through so bear in that fucking pricking mind of yours that not everyone has your level of patience and stealth of what has built you as of now when we will just break down when we’ve had enough. stop saying good things, for once just shut up and give your friend a hug.

then again, you’re just unable to express physical affection. that is why kau always keras dan teknikal.

what makes you think this is all me that you’re getting and made you think that you are automatically privileged to judge me wholefully just because you’ve been through mooooooooooooooooooore than i do?

oh, oh! this is me. i am not mad at you. this is me. and i’m talking about you with all the honesty and truthfulness. see, i’m not angry nor mad.

i may not experienced the real blast of going through the pain of divorce but i get the idea how hard it is and at this point of my life i just want to have fun, all the drama i can get and i am not that hard up to have a man in my life right now, i just need a friend. when it’s hard, it does gets really hard so i’m trying to cope with it and it is never fucking easy but i still need to cross this bridge to reach to that other end that is as vague as looking through a thick fog. you should just shut up and walk with me.

these are my thoughts about you, so what say you? oh, wait a second. i don’t give a fucking damn because i hate people like you. so go and fucking die already.