5054 (updated)

S might ruined her life yet again, in the manner of lindsay lohan.

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how are you?
my birthday’s coming and i’m pretty psyched about it.

what mountainous tasks you’re facing right now?
in short term would be, clearing my work backlog. and rearranged my wardrobe.

what do you plan to purchase next year — apparel-wise?
i need to update my inner wear. a matching bra and knicker set each month. and i need nu ballet flats, pumps, strappy heels and sandals. i will buy one pair each month so that at the end of the next year, i will have a dozen sets of matching inner wears, three pairs of ballet flats, three pairs of pumps, three pairs of strappy heels and three pairs of sandals.

what about investing in expensive handbag and doing facials? any commitment to the gym?
for now, those stuffs… i’ll leave it to the future husband.

people are wondering and asking about you and the rockstar journalist. what’s the story?
the story is… we’re budding friends.

the guy in your (facebook) profile picture?
seriously nobody knows who he is? he’s hafiz hatim!

who’s the future husband?
on the way, i think. or maybe it’s me who have yet to make it halfway. maybe he is the one waiting and i’m still figuring out how to read the map.

what’s the story with your girlfriends?
i don’t know. i think i was harsh. i was a pure bitch. i feel like staying away from everyone. not running away, just shrinking away. but if anyone passed by, smiles, says ‘hi’, i will returned it all. maybe not to certain people, for now i hate to do confrontations because i feel that it’s wasting my time. this is supposedly immature because it simply means that i am not looking at both sides and sulking away, obviously. but i just hate people right now. i lost it (faith, trust) in men, i lost it in girls too. i feel like, i don’t have friends. well, they are around but for now, i completely understand that i’m not being a good friend to them anyway, so… serves me right for being where i am right now if you can ever get what i mean. i’m just too tired. i think everyone’s tired too due to other obligations. but there are some sensitive topics you have to take care of right away. for instance, money. it’s a very sensitive subject that you need to address to promptly. even between flesh and blood you can go kill each other, what more between friends. so, when you feel like you had to arm-twist your friend to pay you back, and your friend said, “it’s just freakin’ 80 bucks!”. well, 80 bucks means the world to me, if its not much then pay me now. i hate to think of my friend this way, it’s not about the amount, it’s how your friend takes care of you the way you took care of your friend. and your friend have not so much text to inform when he’s gonna pay or what, like nothing, like your friend have no qualms about it at all.

so how many bridesmaids are you looking at right now?
(laughs) i used to have eight. i feel like they’re all the perfect combination. i severed ties with three of them already. one is in rekindling process. two is in the process of the-moment-of-truth, and one is, well, we’re getting tired of each other, i think. then again, by the time i get to get married, perhaps there’s none left because everyone’s already married too.

if there’s one who can write a short description in remembering you, who would you want to do it?
casperoha. i read KLUE’s 2010 annual 20 under 40 list and found them boring. most of them wrote in all high praises, it’s boring. there’s not much of a intriguing info for me to find out more about who is listed because the write up is too boring. this is what happened when it’s your bestie writing about you. casperoha is my bestie, but she delivers cold hard truth, to the point that i am always mentally prepared first before hearing to what she’s gonna say because truth always hurts, what more the cold hard ones. and she will always come up with a word i never thought would described me, but it kinda does, because she sees in me every angles and evaluate it against reality before she delivers her opinion. no one weights reality more than just-the-nice-things-your-friends-wanted-to-hear than casperoha. so yeah, i’d want her to write about me, and include the word ‘tenacious’ because that is the word i never thought would described me — that’s the one word she got to described me.

you really like to play with your hair, don’t you?
yup. it’s not a sure sign i like the guy. i just like my hair. a lot. it plays a vital part when i’m shocked — i would hold both ends and bring it to wrapped around my face. it became a signature act that most girlfriends pointed out to other people who just knew me when i’m doing it in front of them.

current favourite song(s)?
you know how soothing is the piano piece in republik’s hanya ingin kau tahu? i like it very much. and i feel like death’s very near to me or i keep remembering the dead, like, if the dead is still around, things would be… the song for that mood would be bloc party’s signs. i first heard that song from a gossip girl‘s episode on bart bass’ death. and since my birthday is coming around, i’m feeling marie antoinette  (i like new order’s ceremony as well) — in the interpretation by sofia coppola — i’m listening to the radio dept’s i don’t like it like this.

you’re going to be 27. sure still no prospect?
i am full of myself, wishful thinkings and aimless. i have no sure destination. i just know i want to be happy, that is simply enough after what i’ve been through because sometimes i just don’t dare to wish for more because i’m too scared to get hurt. regardless how much i’ve steeled away, i am still easily hurt and it is cast deep so it took some of my time, my energy, my feelings and i feel that those are wasted unnecessarily. the good thing i see from this is, i’m glad that i’m still human, i’m not an ice queen yet. and i’ve met enough guys to prove me right again and again. at the same time, they left me puzzled and perplexed. right until now, whatever the guy said, or mentioned, verbally or written, i’m not taking up on any of it unless he acted out the whole sentence — for a start. it’s a pity that men i’ve met have successfully materialized the phrase “talk is cheap”.
naturally i don’t think there’s anything wrong with me (haha).
… let’s just put it this way — we’re just not for each other. let’s just be neutral about it. ha ha.

this princess stepped on her pumpkin

where are you when i needed you the most?

right now, right now…

i want to feel special

every little need is met and every little demand is entertained.

nothing i speak is the truth now. every little detail is manipulated.

just like you when you are with me.

we are here purely for companion and pleasure.

so i need you right now, right now.

because i want to feel like the princess that you love to spoiled.

and i will not hesitate even for a beat if you asked me again to come away with you.

right now.

that certain misery. i will swapped now for uncertain happiness.

i kinda lost it. or i am lost. in men, in girls. i lost it in both. did i demand so much? perhaps maybe so.

where do happy girls go when they are sad?

they go to their private playground where they took their shoes off and put on their tutus.

get your questions answered by jiminy cricket

so what do you do on weekends?

<<<cengkerik surround sound>>>

what do i do on weekends? i realized that these days, or rather these weeks, i work like a dog during the week that i find weekends my saviour. i’m so attached to myself and i’m pretty selfish about finding time for myself. and there’s always something to do around the haus. and the seven cats. and another fact that i like to take my own sweet time. i hate the rush. i’m really un-rush-able during weekends. but i fancy the tedious and lengthy preparations before the party. in both preparing the party and especially when dolling myself pretty.

kalau kau nak, kan suraya, kau nak lelaki yang macam mana?

<<<cengkerik surround sound>>>

when sazali asked moi this, i finally had an almost clear answer — ebizo ichikawa xi. this is back to basic, back to that fantasy, the so-called goal for someone who looked somewhat like him. tall, bald, size 10 shoes (at least). each time an A4 or an A8 passed by me, i said to myself, “my boyfriend/future husband is driving zat!” it was naturale, okay. sometimes it is felt strongly when i am elsewhere a little less. then again, along the line someone falls into an exception. i looked pass what i want that he doesn’t have. but it’s a constant reminder for me to not complete the whole picture. at the end of the day, i’m shouting back to the gents, “what the hell do men want?”

there you go.

shut up and pretend like you care

this is a damn delayed reaction.

i was offered this line to counter my tantrum —
“kau jangan terasa kalau kitorang tak ajak kau to join us to go bla, bla, bla…”

f-it. kalau girlfriend kau terasa, terasa lea. i was stupid to have accepted those as terms in order to keep the friendship and proved that i can improved for the better. to which i realized (this one earlier, not delayed) that i was the only one who did the changes. it wasn’t a two-way thing.

you see, to me, a guy can lie, can cheat, can treat you like shit — but not a girlfriend. but when a girlfriend does that to you, you can be sure as hell to break up with her just like when you break up with a guy.

“eiii. tak baik kau buat macam tu. itu kawan kau, tau. nanti macam mana bila orang lain buat macam tu kat kau?”

in the first place, i will not treat someone the way i do not want myself to be treated.

read, and tell the world about it

Hey Suraya, how are you? I’ve seen u have gotten quite friendly with — since, on FB and Twitter. I would like to let you know that I’m uneasy about that You know, i like him and I wish you couldn’t interfere My chances are not high at all but yet I’m very sincere and it took me months to develop a good repotoire with him, personally and professionally. I’m threatened, that obvious. but i hope u understand how much i dislike most of your gestures in getting close to him, you don’t even know him. I know you have my best intention at heart, but that’s not what girl friends do. Frankly, i don’t even like it when u add him up on FB in the 1st place. I’ve told many of my girls bout him n none doing things u do. I hope you’d understand. But if you choose to ignore my msg, go on, you have the right to whatever u feel like doing in the world. Have a good day. Thank you.

i don’t feel like saying samasama — i don’t feel like thanking. i didn’t have a good day. i cried all evening to someone a thousand miles away, as he, with no questions asked took my baggage away. i choose not to ignore your message. i do understand but this is fucking shitty. what’s the relation of me with your girls — i say it’s irrelevant. whatever they want to do, what’s your jurisdiction on what they want to do — are you their mommy? frankly, it never hits me how much you like this guy until i heard you freaked out. i do have your best intentions at heart, i naturally mentioned you when i introduced myself — that’s what girlfriends do. yes i don’t even know him, that’s why i want to get to know him. i don’t want to get close to him but you should put some reservations that fate has its own way to twist the turn of events. why would you be threatened when you seems to know him better than me — you had months ahead of me and both professional and personal repertoire built already and… and… you are sincere at that! — but now, that sincerity is questionable. sincerity and spite don’t exist on the same page what more in one SMS. you’re taking chances, you should know there’s risks of competition, frustrations, failures but why’d someone like you let those get in the way — not someone like you… that i know. consider me interfering — heh, who mentioned that he and i would make a great couple when i told you we’re as different as night and day — but were both great writers, aren’t we? i would like to know how uneasy are you feeling now — fucking fucked up already? who fucked who? it’s you who fucked yourself. get a grip. get a fucking grip. you’re not his girlfriend. you’re not his fucking official girlfriend. with everything that you know of him that i DONT’ EVEN KNOW HIM, you are way ahead of me. you’re fucking over-reacting. i will keep getting friendly with him, not to spite you but because i want to.

but guess what —
i have other things happening in my life right now. i’m over the moon altimet would even tweet with me. one of my girlfriends who i think the world of, commented i’m looking prettier, which made my day. i have someone who complained i always left too early for him to say a proper goodbye to me i can’t believe he’s missing me that much. my kitten is dying with all its internal organs shutting down but she’s standing, she’s walking, she’s mewing and she’s eating — even the doc don’t want to consider euthanising her — tell me how it breaks my heart and how painful that last visit to the vet on eve ramadhan while everyone else performs their tarawih — even the doc said she will always remember this date. this morning one of my girlfriends lost her job — the job that she poured her heart out, taking care of everyone’s interest but herself, she’s the driver, the navigator, the manager, the planner, the caretaker — but everyone else around her fucking took her for fucking granted — you tell me how breakable and heart-wrenching is that knowing your girlfriend is being treated this way by others.

on top of this all, i’m welcoming ramadhan in tears — the one thing i look forward to but wtf an SMS i received from my girlfriend this afternoon. and i’m typing each word — because this is how much you mean to me. and don’t fucking hey me in that tone. i told you that you’ve been up in the air for quite some time.

mentally-tested faith

We’ll all get our happy ending someday.

This goes out to all of the people who have been broken, but have been strong enough to let go. For the people who have hurt so badly that they felt they could never love again, but kept their head up. For those who feel like going back to their old lover would put all the pieces back where they belong and everything would fit, but accept the cold hard truth instead. For the people that learn from their mistakes and never stop moving forward, even when they take two steps back. For the people that wish loneliness wasn’t part of them, but put up with it anyhow. For the people that are okay with taking up all of the room in the bed, even if sometimes it feels a little empty. For the people who wake up in the morning with no missed calls, but smile anyway. For the people that periodically miss the past, but are so much more excited for the future. For the people that have wounds still healing. For the people that have so much tied to their past relationship, but break those chains to start fresh. For the people that want to look back so badly, but focus on the road ahead. For the people that pick up the phone so tempted to call, but keep their dignity in tact instead. For the people that never wanted to let go, but had to. For the people that still believe in love, even after all of the hurt their heart has endured. For all the people that gave up not because they were weak, but because most times it’s better just to let go. We’ll all get our happy ending someday.

source

being akal-less

let me get this out of my system

i implore to youngsters out there who are darn fascinated and driven with the sadism conflicted by four males unto an unfortunate female on the last 44 days of her life that they (youngsters) are committed to spread it around as much as possible — to spare your mother the details. it is enough to let her (your mother) knows that whatever the four males did to the girl is as far as human rights do not apply on them.

in the wake of seeking justice for arwah aminulrasyid amzah, it gives the youngsters all the reason to hate the police. then again, who are these four males who akal-lessly tortured junko furuta… the males were then 16 and 17 years of age. whats your age again, youngster?

it is pointless to hate a certain demographic. the point is, human are gifted with the one thing that separates them from beasts — akal. but some went akal-less.

some.

personal opinion: parents should never stop looking for their children who went missing. children and parents are meant to be together under one roof — that’s family. and parents should never ignore the plea of another child that is not theirs. it is worth the risk… have faith in the police force. there are people who actually live for their profession.

the point is, this is just a cruel test of faith — on the victim, on the mothers, on you. those who ridicule these people in desperation should be the first in line to be sula-ed.