dorota: miss blair, are you drunk?

i really am phenomenal when it comes to self-endorphing. play me all the favourite songs, let it seeps in, and i really dance like no one’s watching.

those consuming alcohol chugged like… i don’t know, i just see them keep coming. and exactly like that, i keep being endorphed. endlessly. song after song. and when you have a good party with you, you’re firework. and a small party we were, but good things do come in small packages, no?

mula-mula a malu-malu crazy b*tch lea. lepas tu a very, very, very crazy b*tch.

thank you for putting me up that stage. i couldn’t stop laughing at how silly i was then. but it was hella fun.

despite that i broke up with the girls, there are things they said that i still carry around. shoobs knows me that i just needed someone to say hi or smile at me, then only will i actually looked friendly and approachable with the way i responded.

the girls always reminded me to stop appearing rigid and quiet. i am actually this girl who’s interesting and very, very fun to be with. start with a smile. and then just keep smiling.

when i was in the car and being sort of ‘briefed’ … there is no that heavy feeling like i used to have. it has became, its whether i want it or not. i can pull this off, but it goes down only to whether i want it or not. that’s all.

and there was that very important lesson from that movie Yes Man. you only gotta say yes, no matter how automatically often you’d said no before.

then again, without the missing links — fuck it, well just go! — or having that good party, or a strong pair of hands pushing me forward, i wouldn’t really start.

but once i started…

theres the crazy b*tch.

it was a blast.

the office anniversary dinner.

they hardly see this part of me, of course. and when they did, they went —

“are you drunk? you sure you didn’t drink? did you drink when we weren’t watching?”

i was really overwhelmed. i would have stand on my toes and kiss the boss on the cheek as our photo is taken. but i chose to run around the wine rume hugging bridg, mel, and ceel. and they went, “seriously, this is Sue? what happened to you? are you okay?”

and then hugging shoobs. besides everyone else in the rume, she is the biggest mentor, the one yang aku paling banyak menyusahkan, the avid listener and when she’s boisterous, she’s full of it.

i wasn’t drinking, i was just… overwhelmed. even the boss was laughing and laughing when we talked. my guess is that he never thought he’d get this out of me.

it took me some time to discard the overwhelmation and i spaced out a bit and had to asked them to repeat what were they saying about me. -_-“)

good times, though.


this is my heart talking bullsh*t

i can sit and wait for you to finish what you’re doing. with blythe.

when my cousin told me his future wife loves him to the point she won’t let even a mosquito bit him, i raised my eyebrow to that. i don’t think i’d ever be like his future wife, let alone finding someone worth loving like that. but now there’s you, and i absolutely understand what she feels.

it’s weird but it’s true. i can feel you, and smell you.

i can really feel you reaching out after you tightened that scarf. smile, palm on cheek, scruff of your gruff. embrace.

remember when i did the quiet evening? i smelt you. even though i never knew how you smell. you were so there.

and when i’m crying uncontrollably last night, it feels home to just sit on your lap. and the way you wrapped your arms around me, like nothing could reach me, let alone hurt me.

i closed my eyes and leaned on you. you sighed, asking, “can we just be like this forever?”

i smiled. but alas, i had to answer, “apparently, we can’t, darling.”

this is crazy.

– – –

dear heart, you wanted this ride again, don’t you? i must have love you so much or i love me, i don’t know, brain haven’t decided it for me — being that i’ve been listening to it this whole time (and i never realized it, until you cried). i love you, heart, so much, that i’m taking this ride with you, walking along with you because i am scared of how much you can take, even though we both know, and especially you know, how sick this could be, only HE Foresees. but only with HIM, that we would be safe, there’s nothing that happened, happens, will happen to us that we could not handle, HE Promised that. but we are both scared of how hurtful it can be, i know, heart, which this is just the reason why i am with you. just so we know and especially you, heart, after this, we won’t be walking down this road again. please promise me that. i’m so sorry i kept you away, wallowing with what i denied. i’m so sorry i took you away from his hands. i never knew how much you actually yearned for him. i’m really sorry.

i think it’s the maternal instinct sh*t

aki’s home.

so’s yoomi — of course. i always forget her. who wouldn’t forget one when each trip to the vet she’ll pooped inside that black vinyl carrier.

aki is somewhat in a daze, running around the haus like she’s stepping in for the first time. doc said they were both somewhat miserable during the boarding.

when doc called, i felt like i couldn’t leave the haus any faster. i just couldn’t wait to pick up the girls. and i felt it was the like the longest drive to the vet. silap ah aku ambik jalan ni. patut ke aku ikut the other way round? regardless, sampai je. and i was just beyond thrill to be able to pick them up before the day ends.

this time, i don’t think i am ever letting aki out of the haus. i can’t risk losing her like i lost orked and gueci. aki has a pair of white-stockinged legs like a ballerina and she has a half-mask-like pattern drawn on her face, lending her a fox-kind feature. so absolutely no, no one can be borrowed her from HIM except me. HE Has let me have aki for as long as i take good care of her, thank you.

the azubirian kids had a party last night and went home the next day

the day before yesterday, i realized i did girly stuffs with my cousins.

we went to a pharmacy and spent twenty minutes choosing a hair colour after we decided to get our hair coloured together, while dba ran around the premise replenishing her toiletries needs.

we got back to the flat and had our hair coloured, went to a party, strolled along the night market looking for flops and dba bought a cocktail ring, got back home and watched a sappy romance movie.

feel free to spam me away

fearing for loss of sanity and extreme fatigue, the new yorker has disclosed cookie orders to only very few friends. very few. following the break up of five girlfriends since march — four (one shot) in march and one in august — and few selective gents that made the new yorker feels she has poured herself in their lives just a little bit too much, the Eid e-card released indeed contained a very personal and heartfelt-gratitude-kind of message to those she dedicated (tagged) it too. and just like the oscars, the new yorker has been put down for a backup kurung this coming Eid.

oh this is just so fabulous!