5054 (updated)

S might ruined her life yet again, in the manner of lindsay lohan.

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how are you?
my birthday’s coming and i’m pretty psyched about it.

what mountainous tasks you’re facing right now?
in short term would be, clearing my work backlog. and rearranged my wardrobe.

what do you plan to purchase next year — apparel-wise?
i need to update my inner wear. a matching bra and knicker set each month. and i need nu ballet flats, pumps, strappy heels and sandals. i will buy one pair each month so that at the end of the next year, i will have a dozen sets of matching inner wears, three pairs of ballet flats, three pairs of pumps, three pairs of strappy heels and three pairs of sandals.

what about investing in expensive handbag and doing facials? any commitment to the gym?
for now, those stuffs… i’ll leave it to the future husband.

people are wondering and asking about you and the rockstar journalist. what’s the story?
the story is… we’re budding friends.

the guy in your (facebook) profile picture?
seriously nobody knows who he is? he’s hafiz hatim!

who’s the future husband?
on the way, i think. or maybe it’s me who have yet to make it halfway. maybe he is the one waiting and i’m still figuring out how to read the map.

what’s the story with your girlfriends?
i don’t know. i think i was harsh. i was a pure bitch. i feel like staying away from everyone. not running away, just shrinking away. but if anyone passed by, smiles, says ‘hi’, i will returned it all. maybe not to certain people, for now i hate to do confrontations because i feel that it’s wasting my time. this is supposedly immature because it simply means that i am not looking at both sides and sulking away, obviously. but i just hate people right now. i lost it (faith, trust) in men, i lost it in girls too. i feel like, i don’t have friends. well, they are around but for now, i completely understand that i’m not being a good friend to them anyway, so… serves me right for being where i am right now if you can ever get what i mean. i’m just too tired. i think everyone’s tired too due to other obligations. but there are some sensitive topics you have to take care of right away. for instance, money. it’s a very sensitive subject that you need to address to promptly. even between flesh and blood you can go kill each other, what more between friends. so, when you feel like you had to arm-twist your friend to pay you back, and your friend said, “it’s just freakin’ 80 bucks!”. well, 80 bucks means the world to me, if its not much then pay me now. i hate to think of my friend this way, it’s not about the amount, it’s how your friend takes care of you the way you took care of your friend. and your friend have not so much text to inform when he’s gonna pay or what, like nothing, like your friend have no qualms about it at all.

so how many bridesmaids are you looking at right now?
(laughs) i used to have eight. i feel like they’re all the perfect combination. i severed ties with three of them already. one is in rekindling process. two is in the process of the-moment-of-truth, and one is, well, we’re getting tired of each other, i think. then again, by the time i get to get married, perhaps there’s none left because everyone’s already married too.

if there’s one who can write a short description in remembering you, who would you want to do it?
casperoha. i read KLUE’s 2010 annual 20 under 40 list and found them boring. most of them wrote in all high praises, it’s boring. there’s not much of a intriguing info for me to find out more about who is listed because the write up is too boring. this is what happened when it’s your bestie writing about you. casperoha is my bestie, but she delivers cold hard truth, to the point that i am always mentally prepared first before hearing to what she’s gonna say because truth always hurts, what more the cold hard ones. and she will always come up with a word i never thought would described me, but it kinda does, because she sees in me every angles and evaluate it against reality before she delivers her opinion. no one weights reality more than just-the-nice-things-your-friends-wanted-to-hear than casperoha. so yeah, i’d want her to write about me, and include the word ‘tenacious’ because that is the word i never thought would described me — that’s the one word she got to described me.

you really like to play with your hair, don’t you?
yup. it’s not a sure sign i like the guy. i just like my hair. a lot. it plays a vital part when i’m shocked — i would hold both ends and bring it to wrapped around my face. it became a signature act that most girlfriends pointed out to other people who just knew me when i’m doing it in front of them.

current favourite song(s)?
you know how soothing is the piano piece in republik’s hanya ingin kau tahu? i like it very much. and i feel like death’s very near to me or i keep remembering the dead, like, if the dead is still around, things would be… the song for that mood would be bloc party’s signs. i first heard that song from a gossip girl‘s episode on bart bass’ death. and since my birthday is coming around, i’m feeling marie antoinette  (i like new order’s ceremony as well) — in the interpretation by sofia coppola — i’m listening to the radio dept’s i don’t like it like this.

you’re going to be 27. sure still no prospect?
i am full of myself, wishful thinkings and aimless. i have no sure destination. i just know i want to be happy, that is simply enough after what i’ve been through because sometimes i just don’t dare to wish for more because i’m too scared to get hurt. regardless how much i’ve steeled away, i am still easily hurt and it is cast deep so it took some of my time, my energy, my feelings and i feel that those are wasted unnecessarily. the good thing i see from this is, i’m glad that i’m still human, i’m not an ice queen yet. and i’ve met enough guys to prove me right again and again. at the same time, they left me puzzled and perplexed. right until now, whatever the guy said, or mentioned, verbally or written, i’m not taking up on any of it unless he acted out the whole sentence — for a start. it’s a pity that men i’ve met have successfully materialized the phrase “talk is cheap”.
naturally i don’t think there’s anything wrong with me (haha).
… let’s just put it this way — we’re just not for each other. let’s just be neutral about it. ha ha.

the azubirian kids had a party last night and went home the next day

the day before yesterday, i realized i did girly stuffs with my cousins.

we went to a pharmacy and spent twenty minutes choosing a hair colour after we decided to get our hair coloured together, while dba ran around the premise replenishing her toiletries needs.

we got back to the flat and had our hair coloured, went to a party, strolled along the night market looking for flops and dba bought a cocktail ring, got back home and watched a sappy romance movie.

feel free to spam me away

fearing for loss of sanity and extreme fatigue, the new yorker has disclosed cookie orders to only very few friends. very few. following the break up of five girlfriends since march — four (one shot) in march and one in august — and few selective gents that made the new yorker feels she has poured herself in their lives just a little bit too much, the Eid e-card released indeed contained a very personal and heartfelt-gratitude-kind of message to those she dedicated (tagged) it too. and just like the oscars, the new yorker has been put down for a backup kurung this coming Eid.

oh this is just so fabulous!

read, and tell the world about it

Hey Suraya, how are you? I’ve seen u have gotten quite friendly with — since, on FB and Twitter. I would like to let you know that I’m uneasy about that You know, i like him and I wish you couldn’t interfere My chances are not high at all but yet I’m very sincere and it took me months to develop a good repotoire with him, personally and professionally. I’m threatened, that obvious. but i hope u understand how much i dislike most of your gestures in getting close to him, you don’t even know him. I know you have my best intention at heart, but that’s not what girl friends do. Frankly, i don’t even like it when u add him up on FB in the 1st place. I’ve told many of my girls bout him n none doing things u do. I hope you’d understand. But if you choose to ignore my msg, go on, you have the right to whatever u feel like doing in the world. Have a good day. Thank you.

i don’t feel like saying samasama — i don’t feel like thanking. i didn’t have a good day. i cried all evening to someone a thousand miles away, as he, with no questions asked took my baggage away. i choose not to ignore your message. i do understand but this is fucking shitty. what’s the relation of me with your girls — i say it’s irrelevant. whatever they want to do, what’s your jurisdiction on what they want to do — are you their mommy? frankly, it never hits me how much you like this guy until i heard you freaked out. i do have your best intentions at heart, i naturally mentioned you when i introduced myself — that’s what girlfriends do. yes i don’t even know him, that’s why i want to get to know him. i don’t want to get close to him but you should put some reservations that fate has its own way to twist the turn of events. why would you be threatened when you seems to know him better than me — you had months ahead of me and both professional and personal repertoire built already and… and… you are sincere at that! — but now, that sincerity is questionable. sincerity and spite don’t exist on the same page what more in one SMS. you’re taking chances, you should know there’s risks of competition, frustrations, failures but why’d someone like you let those get in the way — not someone like you… that i know. consider me interfering — heh, who mentioned that he and i would make a great couple when i told you we’re as different as night and day — but were both great writers, aren’t we? i would like to know how uneasy are you feeling now — fucking fucked up already? who fucked who? it’s you who fucked yourself. get a grip. get a fucking grip. you’re not his girlfriend. you’re not his fucking official girlfriend. with everything that you know of him that i DONT’ EVEN KNOW HIM, you are way ahead of me. you’re fucking over-reacting. i will keep getting friendly with him, not to spite you but because i want to.

but guess what —
i have other things happening in my life right now. i’m over the moon altimet would even tweet with me. one of my girlfriends who i think the world of, commented i’m looking prettier, which made my day. i have someone who complained i always left too early for him to say a proper goodbye to me i can’t believe he’s missing me that much. my kitten is dying with all its internal organs shutting down but she’s standing, she’s walking, she’s mewing and she’s eating — even the doc don’t want to consider euthanising her — tell me how it breaks my heart and how painful that last visit to the vet on eve ramadhan while everyone else performs their tarawih — even the doc said she will always remember this date. this morning one of my girlfriends lost her job — the job that she poured her heart out, taking care of everyone’s interest but herself, she’s the driver, the navigator, the manager, the planner, the caretaker — but everyone else around her fucking took her for fucking granted — you tell me how breakable and heart-wrenching is that knowing your girlfriend is being treated this way by others.

on top of this all, i’m welcoming ramadhan in tears — the one thing i look forward to but wtf an SMS i received from my girlfriend this afternoon. and i’m typing each word — because this is how much you mean to me. and don’t fucking hey me in that tone. i told you that you’ve been up in the air for quite some time.

bitching for no apparent reason

i was looking at some pictures… and i can’t stop myself from wishing, “please let her stay fat… please, please, please… please don’t ever let her slim down… ever.”

and then orang lain pun akan curse aku, “please let her stay single… please, please, please… please don’t ever let her get married before me… at least…”

ha ha ha ~

ini sebab dah cantik sikit lea ni, dah nak riak orang lain semua buruk. sejak ade bangs — keje buta pukul 2 pagi — memang mendapat sambutan positif dari orang ramai. kira kalau rambut depan baru aku ni diibaratkan filem, positive reviews habis-habisan lea. aku buat point macam ni sebab memang best sangat lea suessy dengan potongan rambut begini. sampai boleh disamakan dengan evelyn salt gitu. dari country manager sampai veterinarian pun suka. pelbagai bangsa also — cina, melayu, india dan switzerland. siap diorang ingat the bangs were done professionally. hah!

tapi tu lah. aku rasa cam… hmm… orang lain semua… tak cantik. diamati survived sebab make up, sebab seksi, sebab… kau kaya (ini mak aku yang cakap). cuba kalau tak ade elemen tu… survived au naturale?

haizzz… aku ni masih lagi dentally-challenged — yang segelintir kenalan maki hamun kata aku langsung tak perlukan braces — eczema di kaki masih berbaki, kening dengan upper lip dah lama tak threading, badan semakin melebar… tapi aku pun survived. dengan compact powder untuk mengemaskan complexion. dan mengharapkan tulang kening yang prominent meng-semulajadikan pembentukan kening. dan of kross — my l’oréal eyeliner and mascara. every person akan terus cakap aku pakai bulu mata palsu. yes!

oh ya. selalu lupa nak taruk gincu. suka lip balm dan lip gloss je. tapi selalu kena lecture dengan mama dan shoobs sebab tak taruk gincu.

“bagi lea warna sikit!”

for moi, i like the wet lips. inviting, seducing, kissable-ing. ha ha ha ~

i’ve always said that make up is about highlighting my features. not to paint my face. it scares the hell out of me that (1) my husband will walk away once i took off the make up, (2) that i look totally different with or without make up, and (3) that i have to have to put on make up before i go out, even to attend to those people yang membuat bancian. in that order. that’s effin’ exhausting.

and then… and then… *boleh nak perasan lagi* — semenjak potongan rambut yang mendapat sambutan dan gelaran maskarakuin dari shoobs — membariskan diri sendiri dengan jennifer aniston dan cameron diaz. tak boleh blah. sebab kami ini semulajadi cantik, minimal make up saja perlu. dan single. masih belum berkahwin. prospect pun tak ade. tidak mengapa, kau sebaris A-list starlets — takbolehblah!

*but cameron d is seeing someone, kan? i recalled an item from yahoo! omg!*

but then bila tengok knight and day, cameron d dah nampak tua dowh. kalau takde make-up muka sure tak kemas. itu lea roha dah start suruh look into botox. the end is near… ha ha ha ~

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so i was looking at some pictures… and i realized that i don’t get those stabbing pains in the heart anymore. i can look at the pictures and not feel anything.

*lagi faktor yang menggalakan riak ini haizzz -_-“)*

i’m okay.

another factor that make me ever more confident — see, sebenarnya bukan riak. ini adalah a natural french girls’ trait dalam diri aku *oh sila pengsan sekarang* — are, le girlfriends.

aku nak turun tangga and in my sights i noticed this model-tall gal yang nak naik tangga but she’s on my way… aku ke kiri, dia pun sama dan ikut rentak aku ke kanan… rupa-rupanya the wedding planner. bila aku realized dia sape, terus gelak-gelak dapat kenakan aku.

*please note that when i exclaimed setanataushut up“, theyre not meant or in the same tone when i sayfuckerrrorfuck you“. ever.

jujurnya *quoting nazznazirah*, i’m always on the lookout for along-z(ee)z(ee) every time i arrived lrt. always. gembira dapat tengok a familiar face, a girlfriend, before you go to work. because girls just make you happy and all giggly. it always does. i guess some are not very much a morning person or a talkative person, it doesn’t matter to me — i could only relate it to how much one needs their “me” time inside the train, probably it’s the only time they have for themselves throughout the day anyway.

and bila along-z(ee)z(ee)  playfully tugged my hair, aku pun nak manja-manja exaggeratingly teleng kepala ikut arah tangan along-z(ee)z(ee) tarik my hair. suka. suka tengok dia yang stylish. matching striking colours that i could never think it would ever work but it does on her and for her. you know how some people dressed themselves really reflects their personality, like nazznazirah for instance — that is along-z(ee)z(ee). absolutely.

and for someone like her, tall and thin like that — one would (that is moi) may deemed her as timid or shy. but she’s all confident. no nonsense. tapi suka camwhore dan be gorgeous. aktif dan lasak nak mampos not ever a blair like moi would want to step in — takpelah, lain kali. i’ve always said my mother is ultraathletic but it never goes down to me — because me, i am the cheerleader. ha ha ha ~

so girlfriends make me happy, confident and feel all warm and pleasant and content. dropping a call or e-mailing…  ideas are shared along with naughty and nasty joke of the day, affectionate name-calling and bitching and problems talked and sorted. and even though you are not getting married yet, a girl will always enjoy the process and to be able to share the day is an honour, always.

which comes to wani ardy. i never thought she would always have me on her mind. like when she invited me for the breaking fast. and to her engagement. she made me do something i would never wanted to do — to come alone. i was not close to them… this is the crowd that i pulled myself away… because of what i did that made me sooo segan with them. tapi diorang okay je, takde hal. paling un-judgmental people i have ever met.

but this thing that has made me from wani’s simple invitations — of coming alone — is practically a milestone. i would have never want to do it but i did anyways. i survived *hezzz, cliché*. and now she has already pre-invited moi, along with informing the theme colours and being part of her big day. me, in her personal invite list, along with all the other girls who have known her forever and closer to her like the next person… like i am totally guffawed when i read her message. giiileah!

wani ardy has been like the missing link among each other, the one that brought us all together… even though she’s far away or wherever she is but when she sees you, she will text you about your new hair (again its the hair, dan masa itu pun ade bangs tapi dengan rambut bob ngehehe), or just dropped something amusing that made your day.

so here… i have all these girls along with jasmine, suerie, bella, ikim… the cashmere mafias, juez, nazz, eda and abby, farsha and her sisters, dira-chan and angelaira… who, simply accepted my quirkiness, my eccentricity, my antics with no questions asked, no contradictions, no snappy remarks, no subconscious-mind assumptions, no must-have-boyfriend-as-solutions-to-life — what they do is they celebrate me.

thank you, loves. thank you. sooo much.

nota kaki: i hope shanny tak jual baju aku since dah nak masuk lima bulan aku tak ambik baju-baju hantar last time. one of them is baju bridesmaid untuk wedding huda. memang kena penggal kepala lea kalau baju tu dalam tangan orang lain.

bullsh*t

don’t dread the game, dread the players

regardless that players cheat like there’s no tomorrow, love is still a pure and an enjoyable game.

maybe you won’t need a contract for your relationship, but don’t ever say that you don’t believe in love. don’t!

you can never rule out love. ever. love lives in your life. in everyone’s life, love lives on. totally inevitable.

when trumped with a trump card, i would love to have someone at the end of the day to wailed to and who treats moi to a cuppa just because.

and i want to stop missing my guyfriends. i don’t love them at all like cinta, just kasih sayang. but i want to stop missing them. because i get tired — not confused — it’s tiring that one week i’m missing this guyfriend then the next week i’m missing the scandal then the week later i’m missing another guyfriend and then the following week… you know the drill. i just want to miss one guy for life. and missing him like cinta with kasih sayang.