this is my heart talking bullsh*t

i can sit and wait for you to finish what you’re doing. with blythe.

when my cousin told me his future wife loves him to the point she won’t let even a mosquito bit him, i raised my eyebrow to that. i don’t think i’d ever be like his future wife, let alone finding someone worth loving like that. but now there’s you, and i absolutely understand what she feels.

it’s weird but it’s true. i can feel you, and smell you.

i can really feel you reaching out after you tightened that scarf. smile, palm on cheek, scruff of your gruff. embrace.

remember when i did the quiet evening? i smelt you. even though i never knew how you smell. you were so there.

and when i’m crying uncontrollably last night, it feels home to just sit on your lap. and the way you wrapped your arms around me, like nothing could reach me, let alone hurt me.

i closed my eyes and leaned on you. you sighed, asking, “can we just be like this forever?”

i smiled. but alas, i had to answer, “apparently, we can’t, darling.”

this is crazy.

– – –

dear heart, you wanted this ride again, don’t you? i must have love you so much or i love me, i don’t know, brain haven’t decided it for me — being that i’ve been listening to it this whole time (and i never realized it, until you cried). i love you, heart, so much, that i’m taking this ride with you, walking along with you because i am scared of how much you can take, even though we both know, and especially you know, how sick this could be, only HE Foresees. but only with HIM, that we would be safe, there’s nothing that happened, happens, will happen to us that we could not handle, HE Promised that. but we are both scared of how hurtful it can be, i know, heart, which this is just the reason why i am with you. just so we know and especially you, heart, after this, we won’t be walking down this road again. please promise me that. i’m so sorry i kept you away, wallowing with what i denied. i’m so sorry i took you away from his hands. i never knew how much you actually yearned for him. i’m really sorry.

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