it’s just gonna be here, and ends here

i’ve (almost) packed for penang. except for the unmentionables, the toiletries and such. clothes-wise, i’m almost checked. and i must bring along the coffee kit.

i may start blogging like mad again, after such an unpredictable hiatus — oh, look, she’s blogging again. and i really don’t want to end up like ATP, only HE knows why he pulled the plug. i guess if i chose the other path i might pull off everything but i really hope i won’t. not entirely for attention, but i really like it here, this darn virtual world, where i can just dumped everything and move on.

i’ve hit a few marks, i realized, that not each time i will run to M, though endlessly listening he is, i realized that there are times (lately) that i wouldn’t even be screaming his name to begin with — that’s what i usually do to begin my emotional dumping and he will drop everything, just like that.

let’s just go shit around.

– – –

dear suraya,

there was one this gentleman you know, who would pointlessly look at every possible angle of a picture, trying to figure out how you look like, though that picture was a picture of a sky you took from the passenger seat and the only other thing in the picture than the sky was the reflection of the bag on your lap.

there was one this gentleman you know, who never knew the meaning of his name but he Google-d the meaning of yours.

there was one this gentleman you know, who at every single adventure, happiness and enthusiasm, reminds you of him. and only him.

there was one this gentleman you know, who would patiently tells you everything he knew as long as he knows it can calms you down.

– – –

and all of a sudden i’m sad. it gets me.

kenapa tiba-tiba sebak ni? have i really been keeping it so deep inside? have i really hid it far away so that it didn’t … well, it didn’t get this way?

i just wanted to type this so that i know there was once a gentleman i know… a gentleman i knew.

and now i am just crying and crying.

i really can’t believe how hard i’m crying right now. it’s as if like, i just came to terms of someone’s death.

and realized something.

– – –

suraya, i’m really sorry. i never knew how much you’ve kept this to yourself. and that you finally came to terms, that this happines is just gonna be here, and ends here.

– – –

this is really me talking to myself.

i was not quoting anyone, not even M.

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