in the manner of the ever sarcastic
New York Magazine —
Suessy Suraya Suhaimi Declares War with the Doughnut-Neck Gal’s Sister
*we got this copy she wrote to her bridesmaids (those of her childhood friends, the work colleagues were not included in this)
kindly be informed that under no circumstances,
do not entertain towards any of the doughnut-neck gal’s sister’s
so-called subtle attacks.
please bear in mind that if we do,
we are merely feeding her
which will only makes her stronger.
on top of it, do not shower the attention
to the doughnut-neck gal’s sister as deserved for a newlywed
she certainly does not deserve it from you
not even a faked/diplomacy “congratulation” verbally or in writing and in typing as in SMS, Facebook, Twitter, blog and other electronic media)
as much as our mothers raised us well to be polite and courteous,
our mothers also taught us that the best of us is only
for those who deserved it —
goes without saying the doughnut-neck gal’s sister does not deserve any.
do not show any fear towards her army
we do not responds to transvestites, pengkids, other unknown genders
and assholes who just want to be fucked in the butt or fucked someone in the butt.
for those who are currently friends with the doughnut-neck gal’s sister on FB,
please do not remove or block her just yet.
we will need her to secretly-dying-inside keep stalking us
to view all the pictures of what we do
do not fret about planning things or events
naturally things will come to us because we are officailly moving on after this
even if it is slow, scarce or when we are moneyless
patience is the essence of this war
when the time comes, i will suggest you to remove or block her
so that she will not have anymore info or insights about us
and that is when she is like in cancer stage 4
she will be withering herself to death
points if in any event, the doughnut-neck gal’s sister approached you
whether in the fake oh-i’m-so-happy-everything-turned-out-well-for-me mode
or simply attacking you oh-so-subtlely
(please bear in mind she doesn’t have the class nor she ever graduated from it hence she never learns the art of war what more perfecting her techniques)
when she approached you in either of the modes,
put on a straight face and let her speak.
once she finished, simply ask, “do. i. know. you?”
and walked away, we don’t bother to know her answer.
for the rest of her reactions, simply ignore her to death.
particular point for the appointed doughnut-neck gal’s sister bridesmaid during her picking up her shoes from the doughnut-neck gal’s sister
act as if there is no life-changing event happened to her
that we see her just as we viewed how pathetic she was thirteen years ago,
begging to be part of us. i apologize, not begging — it’s self-proclaiming.
do not offer any congratulatory note.
just take her as a lucky retarded bride the way she treated one of our fathers as if he is retarted
— even orang yang dah nyanyuk pun kita entertain, apetah lagi ibu bapa rakan sendiri (regardless nyanyuk atau tidak), fuckerrr
avoid yourself from meeting the family members if possible.
if you do, only focus all negative energy towards the doughnut-neck gal’s sister
and poised the customary budi bahasa orang melayu towards the parents especially
up to you about the doughnut-neck gal
i hereby declare war with the doughnut-neck gal’s sister
by not even lifting a finger
as the weapon is within the enemy herself
if she doesn’t really move on and enjoy what’s left and to become of her life,
she will simply consumed herself with us and that is the poison in itself.
if she does the otherwise, she will survived this war,
but with a very big scar in her life
knowing how ignorant and stupid she has been
especially towards her own life and it actually hardly affect anyone at all
this is the best of me that i am delivering towards the doughnut-neck gal’s sister
that i think she definitely deserves.
i implore that we unite together even that we are a smaller circle
compared to otherrr friends that she has
but we are the one that actually matters to her the most
after insecurity, it will be death that becomes her.
moi: she said, “sape tak datang aku nikah, aku tak nak datang bila diorang mati besok!”
mum: eh, tell her lah… “i’m already dead, so i was not able to invite you.”
Suessy Suraya Suhaimi
apparently, the doughnut-neck gal’s sister thanked everyone who came to her wedding. except the appointed bridesmaid.