don’t flatter yourself

i have a mme du barry on my case. aku kan marie antoinette.
*sila roll eyes sekarang*

oh yea, come to think of it… somehow aku masih teringat how waterface zarko is bila aku claimed dengan kondifennya aku adalah blair waldorf. his small black eyes widened behind his glasses and that gaping mouth shaped liked an o. di baley seksyen 13. hari ketiga berkawan. kali kedua berjumpa. pertama kali dirancang untuk berjumpa.
okayyy, patut lea dia terkejut beruk dengan pengakuan aku itu.

berbalik kepada mme du barry. yeahhh. aku kena address dia walaupun dia tidaklah the king’s favourite. even the king’s favourite pun apologized to me on behalf of her little terror. walaupun aku marie antoinette, tapi kami queen-queen yang kindhearted, okay. sangat tak bernasib baik mme du barry ini telah dimarked oleh queen-queen yang baik hati ini sebagai a subject yang tak perlu diberi perhatian selepas hanya satu observation yang limapuluhratusribujuta kali kau observe pun, takkan ada statistik langsung. cuma satu garisan lurus melintang di atas graf.

goes without saying lea kenapa kamu telah disubjek-sikan sebegitu. kamu sendiri terlebih dahulu telah already judged me. and somehow, i just want to give you allll the satisfaction.

pity that at the end of the day, you will be left alone wondering to death why is it that i. just. don’t. fancy. you.

+ + +

bercakap tentang mme du barry, yang dilakonkan oleh asia argento dalam filem sofia coppola, aku ada persamaan dengannya. asia argento.

*okayyy, sekarang dia asia argento pulakkk.*

agoraphobia. tak bukan. ini takut nak keluar rumah. aku tak takut nak keluar rumah tapi aku takut nak keluar rumah kalau aku akan berseorangan.

autophobia, isolophobia, monophobia — selain aku juga ade hypotension, genetic inheritance (is it even genetical like im caring right now)  from my father and my father’s late mother — diagnosis terkini tentang diri aku, yeahhh… i have the fear of being alone now. for the past two fridays, i’ve been spending my afternoons at tower 1, klcc, meeting the petronasians. after the business ended, i just could not wait to get in the train. aku tak suka my environment dan screaming silently inside tidak mahu wandering alone.
however, during the first visit aku duduk kat kino untuk jumpa eizadira-chan (tapi dia tak ade, dia di jepunwaaa, female jealousy!!! (-_-“)) dan habiskan membaca the tales of beedle the bard (sengihsengihsengih dengan kesengalan albus dumbledore — such as myself, my campaign to remove lucius malfoy from voldemorts favourite).

tapi lepas lepak di kino itu, dan betul-betul merasai realiti berseorangan again, aku rasa macam fish out of water. i hated seeing everyone got somewhere to go, somewhere to be, someone to be with. urghhh. someone. hell, i need someone. there. latest diagnosis: desperadeaux (is this even a word like im caring right now).

and then recently pergi the sanctuary for an award thingy… selepas habis — i left halfway anyways, they the prospects were all dunking the freeflow beers (dan berhutang enam sebatan) maka aku rasa a bit potong — masa tu rasa sangat. nak. menari-nari. tapi tak ade teman. dan aku tak nak menari sorang-sorang. kalau diberi pilihan, yeahhh, i wanted this particular guy and i will just guiltlessly frenching him while dancing.

but there was no one. and it was hell lonely. i have always loved to be on my own, wandering alone, browsing around, sit with a book, enjoy the breeze, sits in the middle of the restaurant whateverrr whateverrr those girls celebrating singledom frequently do. but not nowww. not anymooore. i hate to be alone. i hate to appear alone. my arm is dangling helplessly. my waist itches to be cuddled. and my headdd dah mengada-ngada lentok-lentok sendiri automatically mencarikan the non-existent bahu to lean on. gatdem i hate to be alone!!!

so, despite i was in high emotion selepas event itu, i had to let it drained off. because there was no one around. nak menari, nak chill, nak flirt, nak whine… there was no one. and that particular guy yang aku nak frenching with while dancing — so that i can blame the frenching on my euphoria — is this particular guy that i think i like i think i like i think so i like him but sometimes i don’t but nevermind and what i’m trying to say here is, aku tak lea sedesperate itu to go with some random guy.

i realized that currently i’m hating to be at my favourite playground. i cannot push myself or make believe something anything that i have a plan, an agenda or whatever to go on and stay there to start off a new adventure konon-konon a gal with a mission. i simply decided to drive myself back home.

do i need ari or blair? somehow, even myself cannot address this question. right now it’s better that i am left on my own before aku just destroy everything that i like which gave me the many facades which helped me to survive through bs and fuckerrrs.

+ + +

okay, cerita terakhir.

those visits to tower 1 tu kan. love the interior and i hope one day i can visit tower 2, specifically level 29 and 30. love the free flow of coffees. small washrooms, though. very small. ade satu jamban tu tak sesabar nak berkhidmat sedangkan aku belum pun nak start doing business. baru tutup pintu je. haih, very sensitive sensor betul.

okay, cerita terakhir ini.

yesss, anysz telah ku agak akan sentiasa memberi dorongan dan being that the word petronas is the keyword, magicword, allspark cube, kryptonite, sandwich — suessy, jangan lupa selain urusan kerja, urusan prospect harus dititikberatkan. petronasss, okayyy. engineers! mat saleh!

right, i met so many. lots. phew, macam buffet paya serai pj hilton.

tapi.

yup. the but.

each of them has to write down their ic number. but then i see it starts with 84xxxx-xx-xxxx or 85xxxx-xx-xxxx. potong. bila tujuh, tujuh sangat. 71xxxx-xx-xxx. 72xxxx-xx-xxxx. haihhh. atau mereka datang dan jelas-jelas sesangat ditemani girlfriend. tunang. isteri. isteri yang tengah mengandung. isteri baru masih merah inai di jari.

bosan.

however.

ahhh, the sweet irony.

ade a pharrell williams lookalike. kiranya kalau pharrell ni ade adik, dia adalah adik pharrell williams yang bongsu, muka baik dan kurus sikit. the first thing i noticed bout him is his shoes. though aku tak ingat kasut ape… heh, sengal. tapi dia… hmm, aku tak ingat lah muka dia. sengal juga, kenapa aku tak bagi business card aku — bagi kat orang lain yang nampak separa laki orang, separa prospect, separa takbestlahruginyaakubagikadakukatkau — else… kenapaaa… kenapaaa aku tak capaikan saja namecard aku dan hulur kepadanya.

but then tadi, i made three calls to pharrell williams junior. the first two calls aku separa profesional, separa nervous and most of the time flirtatious working the lentok-lentok of my voice tone. his voice was okay, macam nak cover nervous sebaik mungkin. bila nak buat call ketiga aku jadi a nervewreck, kena telefon nurlin dulu.

nurlin: kau mesti macam ni bila lelaki tu dah jadi kesukaan kau. hilang confidence terus! you are so different when it comes to work. maka from now on, setiap lelaki yang kau nak ngorat, bayangkan dia adalah kerja-kerja marketing kau. exudes the confidence!
moi: i have his cell number.
nurlin: good. you can start being friends.
moi: dehel. i want to know his ic number first!
nurlin: but you have his number.
moi: dehelll!!!

okay, sekian cerita terakhir dan entri ini yang mempunyai seribu dua ratus tiga puluh tujuh patah perkataan.

tahniah. anda telah berjaya membaca sehingga ke penghujungnya.

merci!