sugul

sanggup siot, bangun pagi-pagi semata-mata nak blog.

the lesson is to never put hold on anything that i have to do. because something else will always come up and eat up the time that i earlier put aside to do the bidding. this time around, it’s a do or die. beggars can’t be chosers. i can always remember this coming from farizz.

the thing about me is… i always needed to relate to the sayings literally, else it won’t penetrate into my thick-headed skull (snapes comment of nevilles impossible acceptance towards potion lessons). the first would be malang tak berbau. i was asking myself again and again, why do they relate misfortune to your smelling sense?
eventually there was that show rsb (the first old skool version okay, so this would mean back fourteen years ago kot. i think). the feature was about teenage road accidents. one of the accidents occured at a four junction. the person who’s supposed to stop for the red light didn’t do so and he/she was speeding and it was in the wee hours of the morning so he/she never thought there would be any other car but there was so bam! that other car also never thought that there would be such a speeding car coming so bam! the driver in that other car died.
so there suessy have it, malang tak berbau. not in the sense that you can’t smell gasoline because you’re in the car with ambi pur refreshner, but that you can never tell it’s coming.

another saying would be growing pains. growing pains doesn’t stop at high school and college. stepping into the early stage of coming thirties, there’s a different kind of pain. one that i need to learn to get around and accept it, least caring whether i like it or not.

yesterday was a pretty sugul day. sugul… it’s like you’re perplexed. confused. very sad. on top of it, coming to terms of what had happened. as much as i was very sad, i was also struggling to come to terms. so yeah, i just mentioned twice about how i felt yesterday.

someone texted me that one of us is going for his first court hearing tomorrow — let us all pray that the judge will go easy on him. i texted back that i never knew about this, what happened? that someone told me our friend got caught with 2 kilos of drug. i leave the message at that. i slept.

the next morning at breakfast, i casually mentioned it to mum. mum was flabbergasted. she said 1 kilo is already death sentence. it took me quite some time to sinked it in. i was aware the severity of our punishment — capital at that — when it comes to being convicted with drugs. but because this is my friend… nothing bad will happened to him…

masa tu aku sangat slow. aku tak pick up. aku lembab.

so i googled. 20 grams is already out — capital punishment. this is 2000 grams. even if you cut off one zero it’s 200 grams. i was really hoping that someone got the facts wrong. i hoped it was an exaggeration. but at times like these you can already tell that it’s not.

i made a few calls to get more grasp on it. is it really that mandatory? mandatory once you’re convicted and cannot appeal at all or unless you are eventually sentenced to hang — can still make appeals and appeals and appeals — then only ‘mandatory’ applies? i was sure i was making sense in applying that particular word mandatory — hell, i learnt the definition of it from the government’s against drug and its severity campaign. it was a sophisticated word to my then twelve-year-old ears (i may not be that accurate with the timeline).

1 kilo with him. 1.4 kilo found at home. he’s a pusher.

i was easily crying. cakap sikit, menangis. terfikir terus sebak. sedih ya amat. if he was already sentenced to it, sumpah aku tak boleh nak terima. takkan terima. tak nak terima. but this thing takes a long time to process, to resolve and even though when one is eventually sentenced, it will not be executed immediately… it buys the time for others like me to accept it and eventually let go.

sometimes yesterday, i forgot to breathe. it disturbed me that somewhat recently, i spent a lot of time with him. just the two of us. lunch, movies, he picking me up from work. if his arrest were to happened any earlier and i was there, i would have been along for the ride. dad said i would be found guilty by association.

such a bleak future. for the first time, i did not put any hope. my saying has always been, “you will never run out of options.” but this one… it’s different. it’s “the price that you have to pay”.

i felt so private i only wanted to be with mum, nurlin and sazali at the office.

he is someone from my childhood clique. we were the girlfriend and boyfriend to each other, pendek kata macam sweet valley high series lea — the cheerleaders couple dengan the basketballers, tak lari jauh sangat within the same clique je… hmm, maybe friday night lights lah kot… i think.
when we were fourteen and our school session is in the afternoon, the morning is filled with soccer practice. we the girlfriends would watched our boyfriends play the field — one blissful part would be when i woke up late and my then boyfriend borrowed one of the guys’ bmx and cycled to my house to call on me and make sure i come to see him practice. by 11 am or so, the girls will come to my house to get ready for school, and the boys will go to my boyfriend’s house. then we would meet in the middle and arrived school together.
i was the only girl witness for the boys’ fight with the chinese boys at school — one unforgettable part would be when school finished and we were all shouting goodbyes to each other and then bam! the chinese boys immediately attacked the boys without any warning. the next day during class, the discplinary teacher called for me to testify… whateverrr.

he was such a handsome lad. charming. life of the party. he would greet us girls with a kiss, even since we were then fourteen. funny, entertaining, great to talk to — about anything and everything under the sun. lovable. he looks good and dressed well. he’ll made certain you are taken care of when being with him.

it’s disturbing to think that what if i were with him at the time? everything i planned would just perished. funny how things are already written down about you — things you never what more least expected to happened.

mama.

it’s an absolute eye opener. make you appreciate even more the simplest things you do everyday. having the freedom not robbed away of your life. not tied to any kind of written misery. able to come to work, even though you hate your job. able to pay the bills and live within your means. able to go on dates, holidays, attend concerts, weddings and visiting old friends. all the mundane things that balance the hype in life.

pity. sympathy. of course. although we have have not been in touch for quite some time — which is why i never knew what had happened to him and what i finally knew came as a huge shocker. but he is one of my bests. a chunk of me is scooped out.

i’ve been sighing a lot. big sighs.

growing pains… not only about breaking up with the one you want to spend the rest of your life with, financial struggle, making the mark, quarter life crisis, loneliness, family, accepting deaths of friends at young age… this too, when things as unexpected as this happened. it’s painful to accept it… as a friend. i keep thinking of how he is living these days, his mum’s breaking heart and the freedom of his life no longer exists.

yes, he asked for this. and he’s my friend. not that i will, but i want to be there for him. more than anything.