state of unrest

i sent this text while waiting for sam with nurlin at kayu the evening yesterday —

“i’ve been dating since i was fifteen. where IS HE?”

elyas, selaku newly appointed bff, bagi ayat paling sensible — yes, aku perlukan someone to talk sense into me dan aku nak sazali to do it because aku rasa deep down dia tak suka aku diperlakukan begini dan melakukan kepada diri sendiri begini but he got other things bugging him so aku tak nak kacau dan aku rindu dia yang tak datang keje semalam (nurlin: so sweeet) and aku almost rasa amat bersalah towards his girlfriend sebab aku IMed “miss ya” to him — Everytg takes time.sabar je

roha’s reply was poignant: I know its hard 4 u, I wish u can recal apa yg u janji dgn Allah masa dlm perut dulu.

mencurah-curah airmata. just spontaneous, lepas mandi, checked layla and found that there are three texts — one of them from roha. leganya menangis.

mungkin sebab dulu i wronged roha. ever since then i pledged to always be by her side. and i’m glad, that HE Helped to make it easy. so easy to the point that i can forget all my problems when i’m with roha and be strong for her. it is easier to be strong for someone else than for myself, i do not know why. bila dengan roha, rasa sangat lega.

is this another phase to go through… all the men that i hated, they are my best friends now. trust me, deep inside aku berusaha to forgive you without the need to understand. but there is still a small part of me screaming for something to understand in order to accept things the way they are now.

on the ninth episode of change — spoiler ahead — keita pengsan mere seconds before he was going to declare his resignation. the first time i watched the scene yang di-slow motion-kan of miyama sedang berlari thru throngs of people to get to the prime minister, i felt… oh, dah lama aku tak berperasaan sebegitu. perasaan selfless towards someone. you would go the distance. for someone you really love with all your heart. who is not of your flesh and blood.