miles away

hello, my name is suraya.
i am very lonely.
i have no boyfriend.
i have no friends.
and more importantly, i have no dreams anymore.

dsc02123

dear suraya,

where are you right now? it seems like the people who sees you everyday at work say that you are not the same anymore. they say that you are going downhill. they say that you are not stellar anymore. they say that you do not know anything like you used to. they say that you missed and forget almost everything… forget almost. everything you missed and forgot. they say that your heart is not in it. they say that you are not even here at all.

i see that your room is a mess. i see that everything is cluttered in your room. i see that everything is scattered in your room. i see that almost all your clothes are not hang. i see that your necklaces are not in its box. i see that your bracelets are clumped on your table. i see that your rings are compiled at the corner of the bookshelf. the only thing made is your bed.

previously it was hyperactivity. you desire to laugh hard, party hard, dance hard, study hard, drive fast, talk loud, online shopping and the thrill of its anticipation, eat satiously, sleep to escape and snap more pictures. now nothing is satisfactory anymore. there is nothing you want to do but everything is presented to you. hence you enjoyed none.

don’t overachieve. just aim simple. you can dress yourself. at least there is still the desire to dress for an outing, else, all those clothes you bought would go to waste. there is the desire to impress and to look good for someone you are head over heels about. but when asked if you really liked him, you could not answer yes or no. but it doesn’t mean yes nor it means no. you don’t have a clue. but you do smile each time he greets you. you at least, jumped one/tenth inch off your seat.

dear suessy, where are you? you won’t even wake up early. it seems like you never get enough sleep that you would even dozed inside the bathroom. you tell yourself you will sleep first and get up at three, but you slept all the way through until seven-thirty. you let your mother prepared and cooked everything. and then you left for work early. and when you are facing traffic along the way, you hated yourself that you did not drive for your mother — after all the hard and frantic labour in the morning. your brother doesn’t ask you to send him to work or pick him up for work — he calls his mother. this makes you feel estranged again from him. you don’t come home to lunch, you hate this part too. you wish that you could have lunch with your mother, but you desire to escape from everything after the first gruelling hours at the office. work is no fun anymore. when you cried inside the bathroom stall, you said to yourself, breaking up was much easier than this — because now you are wondering, “where is yourself?”

dear suraya, where are you? could you put a sentence together? are you saying all that you are feeling? i know there are a million more things inside you but you are even struggling on how to let it out. part of you is stopping it from coming out. what are you afraid of?

dear suessy, i know you want to die. but are you ready to go? are you well-prepared? won’t you at least live for your mother if not yourself? don’t escape, keep living. i hope your mother is enough of a reason to motivate you.

dear suraya,
where are you?

 

too much of no sound,
uncomfortable silence can be so loud