cookie jar

read about the character of jane eyre… that when she made it, found love, she never surrenders her independence — it’s the people around her who depended on her. as much as last time i did everything on my own, in the end, aku yang jatuh bersepai, berderai, berkecai, berterabur, bersepah-sepah dan menjadi sekecil zarah. thank you for the gals who quickly set up the r&d to build back a so-called new suessy suraya suhaimi. but i don’t have to say it out loud — even though i always do — people will see the changes in due course, as according to jasmine.

after for awhile, it is nice to know there’s someone who’s attentive about you. this is the start of the turning point when you surrender your independence. demam sikit je dah nak mengadu, stress with work nak mengadu, merajuk dengan girlfriends nak mengadu, ada family problems nak mengadu… apart from all the bliss of teasing and flirting and this early stage of crush. meragam bila dia tak ada, tak senang duduk bila dia lambat, depress bila dia away.

rimasss. i don’t think this is love, despite of how it looks like to everyone else.

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bukan sebelum ni kau kan boleh buat everything on your own. tak perlu berteman pun. kawan-kawan lelaki kau jadi lelaki-lelaki yang lebih baik — haha!, menjagakan kau. mengingatkan kau yang kau cuma perlu jadi diri sendiri, jangan ikutkan orang sangat. kawan-kawan lelaki kau — dan adik lelaki kau — berkali-kali memberitahu kau untuk move on, think one step ahead, always remember apa yang kau ada, tanya balik, “layak ke dia untuk kau?”, “boleh accept dia sepenuh hati kau?” and i gotta admit… i’m answering no to each question.

in a way, i do felt like a little bit trapped. guess this is how a guy feels bila terpaksa committed. bila nak kena menjawab. aktiviti terpaksa dikurangkan, tak boleh nak panjang langkah. i’m still not having enough fun. i don’t want to settle down just yet.

identify it in you, kau tak perlu squeeze yourself to fit into his life. kau tak perlu turun satu level untuk fahamkan dia. bukan maksudnya aku ni black widow. aku sombong nak mampos tak sedar diri. aku demand lebih — kalau the man bagi aku cincin belah rotan pun aku pakai — tapi ini reminders. aku selalu lupa. and i’m still able to be surprised, to be reminded, that he would listens, he would be patient, he would adhere, he would just smile and let it go. mungkin early stage… yeahhh.

tapi lelaki macam tu untuk kau memang ada, okey. it’s only a matter of whether you are ready to let yourself go or not.

 

so when he’s not around anymore… kau takkan jatuh teruk like the last time you did. nak buat r&d is expensive, you know.

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