love, desperate

i thought that a lot of things are impossible — when it comes to the significance of my existence. most of all, i thought requiring for attention to me was out of the question. who would want to take a look at me and spend so much as five seconds of their precious time to know that i am present? i am not easily pretty, dentally challenged, tend to be sarcastic all the time, prefer conversing in english, not at all a happening babe who goes places and travel the continent, scored sworn hatred towards karaoke (which means i am a terribly horrifying singer), and doesn’t take good pictures too.

hmm… how easy it is to ridicule yourself.

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revolving around the aftermath of breakup, i never thought about new friends would cared so much about my mental state of health — and im still surprised to know how thoughtful raymee, eda and dearhowshesmaturedandnowaproudmommy aby are — what more to make new friends, or giving another start to old acquaintances. but like i have observed, once you broke up, you either makin ketat — digest it yourself my intention of using such word — or you tend to loosen up than your own rigid self, previously set by the rules your former partner wanted you to abide so that he’s free to seek elsewhere for the exquisite liquid of wine but still have the security to come home to a juice box. now that you are commitment-free, have just started to revamped yourself and being extra friendly to everyone and strangers (gorrrgeous strangers especially), you could easily falls to being desperate to the naked eye.

oh, how insulting it is to be gently and apologetically labeled that — that word — pathetic, pitiful — desperate. there could be some truth in it, maybe. although it is seen, or looked like a desperado… but how i truly feel is different. currently there are so many things inside my head — sitting on top is online shopping and men being in the misc. drawer — but still being (apologetically) labeled, a desperado — that’s a whole different story.

… no, you do not love a smart man. the kind of man that you would love is the guy like lan meet uncle hussain. i just can’t elaborate or tell you why you love this kind of man, but you certainly do. ada spark and twinkle in your eyes and glow on your face whenever you talk of him (oui, oui, introduce me to lan MUH, anyone?).
he, on the other hand, is only the guy you like. the kind of guys you like are smart, knowledgeable and makes you laugh all the time. you can’t differentiate between a friend and a boyfriend these days, you’re becoming weak than the last few months — you were better then! now, you are… sorry aku terpaksa guna perkataan ni… desperate.

i was horribly upset for the whole day. i was holding back tears till it throbbed my temple, hiccupping as i poured it out to mum. for now, as long as i got mum saying that i am not desperate, is all i need. trust me, mum can be veeery mean to her own daughter — for all the good causes, of course.

i thought i never wanted to go out with anyone anymore. i will not call anyone or seek anyone. i don’t want to socialize. what keeps me sane will be the family and i’m good with just them. and my katz. and everything else i bought online. and my entourage and gossip girl series. and my harry potter, jane austen-s, and coffeesss. oh, and i decided to go on hiatus.

but then i decide to blog about it. to discard it off my mind and to share with whoever dropped by.

first… a few wisdom wordsss —

  • quoting heidi klum’s recent comment
    there are always people who are quick to offer an opinion and when you are in the public eye, people will always talk about you and put their opinions on you. That’s what you get when you’re in the public eye. But people need to be happy with the way they are.”
  • and also roha’s words — rohaaa, cilokkk
    “What others say of me matters little; what I myself say and do matters much.”

second… my wisdom wordsss —

referring to heidi, i am happy. happy to have kenya cuddles her whole lithe furry body on the curve of my stomach while listening to the live version of jason mraz’s im yoursjason will meet you with holmes, kenya baby — and i’m good. happy to flirt with all the guys and knowing that there is no strings attached. pursuing maybe not so subtly at times but i am not living life with what if-s anymore. the worst thing about pursuing is being rejected. it is a veeery bitter lesson to learn but each moment you will grow and the phrase, if it doesnt kill you, it will only make you stronger, is really. true. you will get through the acrimony and you will thank yourself for coming out of it.

next round, kau dah takkan heran atas semua benda-benda remeh tentang lelaki. you won’t settle for any less. if he is no good, move on. if i am that desperate, i would stayyy with the first guy who dated me (or rather, forced him to stay), make him the unwilling victim and worked all out tunggang terbalik than the times i did with arwah to make us worked and prooove to arwah that he is not that irreplaceable. urgghhh, i resent that song — i can have another you in a minute/i can have another you by tomorrowanother you? no, thank you, i deserve better. nasib baik kau dapat jay z dan hartanya lebih tebal dari bibirnyaokay, ‘kay, thats enough, dentally challenged! ~~~ i am beautiful/ no matter what they sayyy/ wordsss. caaan’t. bring. meee. dooownnn.

as i have mentioned, i am happy, love to have fun and since only recently i embraced and enjoyed the makeup, hair, and girly clothes that i was sooo forbidden to do and wear last time — so now, of course aku nampak lain. macam suerie cakap, macam nizam nuri cakap, their first comment that is ever since then. i am only indulging myself.

i am an attention seeker. so what? kenapa aku dolled up macam tu — (selain selfindulgence and experimenting beautification) mesti lea nak attention, nak test market. tapi adakah aku membawa sekali sepanduk “mencari cintamusim kelapanbelas. sila hantarkan slip gaji terbaru anda.” dijinjing ke sana ke mari? yes, aku nak kau tengok aku. itu je. i get that a lot these days. not at my favourite playground — atau kau nak cakap section 2, shah alam, bukan? — but at the blue chips places, places i neverrr dreeeam to go, what more of getting attention. no wonder girls do their hair and put on make up. the differences it makes and the girlfriends weren’t wrong — the best revenge is to look good, not get a revenge fuck. it’s hellagood for moi, the hell about you? kau ke yang rasa seksa aku? cuba kau rasa, mungkin kau akan jadi lebih teruk dari aku.

cuzn kyie’s friend wore a statement t-shirt — she has good taste. i was staring at it and by the time he noticed i was staring, i was already laughing. i should have taken a picture with him.

kau ni memang mat saleh. mana boleh kau terusterus nak ambik gambar dengan that guyyy?

what the hell… bukannya aku mintak phone number. aku tak rasa itu desperate. aku nak statement atas t-shirt dia tu menjadi sepanduk aku (dan secara tidak langsung became an involuntary testimonial for me), yes.

what i tell myself is that he will seek for me. he will find me. HE will show me to him. HE pairs the best for me. and the first thing you must do after you pray to HIM, is to allow yourself to be attracted to the qualities that you want. it is most definitely true that it starts from you. unknowingly, tindakan luar sedar, it is only you who did not allow yourself to deserve good things. no one else is stopping you.

macam today, somebody seeked for me. we’ve been bumping into each other now and then, hardly any smiles or acknowledgment and i’m an excellentè at pretending other people don’t exist. eventually he mustered up the courage to say hi. that’s one point — believe me, i know it is hard for men too. and i threw every single level 1-mild-and-teasing verbal abuse to him. he caught each one with grace and gallantry that i overlooked his grammar mistakes. teruk me, i knowww, but i gotta give extra points that he goes all the way in english, at the same time admitting his errors and let me correct his spelling.

i am already happy just knowing this guy — even if it is all act — it took a lot for him to bring down his ego after what i’ve given him.

maka, adakah kamu desperate? you know yourself. a chance to explain myself and to highlight the differences, matters — at least for me. i am happy now and that is good enough — especially after what i’ve gone through. i didn’t allow myself to permanently falter. i know it won’t kill me. i know i will rise again. i know i will get up after each fall — no matter how deep, no matter how hard i landed.

wish and krayzie rap for ya —

better break it down
only if you let it
everyday the situation is rockin’ my mind
tryin’ to break me down
but i won’t let it
forget it (forget it)

i’ll be feelin’ like it gonna break me down
turnin’ me around
stressin’ me out
i think i’m gonna get out
and let me
release some stress (stress)

don’t ever wanna feel no pain (pain)
hoping for the sun
but it looks like rain (rain, rain, rain)
oh, i just wanna maintain

yeah, i’m feelin’ precious, yo
but never the less
krayzie won’t fall
it’s over, it’s ending here (here)

to have the attention is a bonus. to know someone wanting your attention is a plus. to make new acquaintance is an added pleasure. to have sparks between someone so mutual — you hit a jackpot, baby! go splash his grey skies with your fireworks — oui, am quoting wani.

real life examples of desperate in my book would be —

  • enlisting a friend to do a quickie ad on the blog persuading elevated and urban-oriented female anak ayam-s to add him in faaacebook.
  • to put comment after comment in picture after another requesting for opportunity to get to know this girl or that girl until unabashedly-but-i-will-state-that-he-was-without-the-knowledge that one of the girls he inquired is actually a friend’s girlfriend. hardee har har.
  • to make a joke when i say he was “speeding off”, he reminded moi that he is indeed not “jerking off”. please, pervert jokes are dead. chivalry still lives on — and much longer at that, gentlemen.

no, there is no need to convince me otherwise if you may. thank you, darl.

oh, my ex-boss kata i slimmed down. happeeeee.