something for me

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i wish time would stood still. for me to sort my wardrobe. to clear my desk. to arrange my harry potters, chic lit, graphic novels, and comics.

i just want to cry. a lot. tears are a comfort. i never see it as a weakness. i like to quote a girl who commented, for all the guys to understand, “let a girl cries all she wants. some good things will come out in the end, so just stick around.” — pardon the inaccuracy. crying is a relief. it’s a gift from HIM to let go, of all the heartbreaks, the disappointments, the frustrations, the griefs.

besides crying, there’s blogging. at least for moi. recently i thought i’m heading breakdownsville again, so i had the fgk-s on call but the one who kept close with moi was one of the guys instead. although he was perplexed, he was understanding enough. come to think of it, i wondered when did we really started to be close but it does not matter, no? i was sobbing and soon breaking down like mad and he was there, listening through and through. he asked what would i do. i said i would blog. after i did that, i stopped crying. at least on that particular reason. until a new one came up.

the weather today was blissful, just cool air and no sun peeking, i wonder if i could go through each day like this… perhaps not. then again, this is just the perfect weather for a beach — sunless but bright. meaning i don’t have to worry about getting sunburn — which i easily am — and can play out there on the sand and in the water the whole day. chasing the waves at cherating was a stress reliever, and i came to understand to how wani really loves the beach so much. having the waves wrapped itself and came crashing to me, i just loved — lurrrved — standing through it and held my hands up high surrendering at each blow but not stumbling down.

i feel like talking to strangers. i feel like chatting up. i want to know what they think, what they are like, what are their interests. usually i’d summed them up after a few sentences. i’ll weed those that don’t even know what immediate family means, unless they have something to compensate for that lack of simple meaning.

i want a nice dinner with pleasant conversations. with the weather today, i could spend all my money for a wholesome dining each day even if it’s only with one person — as long as i had not only my tummy, but my head full — with stimulating new findings and shared interests.

i had a good one with farizz and anysz. it’s been quite awhile since our last janggut session. farizz was kind enough to picked me up from home as anysz was stuck in the traffic. i loved all the same ari-ristic thoughts both farizz and i had, broken to reality by anysz for good measure and all those mispronounced words between the three of us.

i do have all the families and friends, but i can’t bug them forever now, can i? i have times for myself too, but i long for more hearty conversations. i want. to date. anthony bourdain. to find it all in one person is impossible and for now i am not committing the way i would before. my commitment may last for only a short period, the way i would with a car. i would commit, but in three to four years, i would like to change my ride.

so no, you men scares the hell out of me.

if you were looking, here’s what i wantamong other things

1. tall – 6 ft 2 and above
2. lanky, with biceps i can sink my teeth on
3. not the first born, not the second born (irrelevant, hence, ignore)
4. open to quirkiness
5. inconsistency and moodiness applied knowing that it is only a phase to go through
6. big hair is a plus or somewhat like Jakob Dylan’s or Chuck Bass’ or Jude Laws haircut
7. the jaw
8. converses English fluently — knowing how to converse in Japanese and/or French is a plus
9. amusing but not annoying or obnoxious
10. have a healthy and desirable appetite to eat and would go adventurousnot to the point of that idiot andrew zimmern (i finally know his name, and i wish that he would die eating all those other things that he considered mooore eatable rather than a fruit that he detests, namely durian)
11. would layan durian, obsession is not necessary
12. loves animalsspecifically cats
13. not an ignorant
14. honda civic 2008 and above
15. does not have a fucking chip on his shoulderdismiss that immediately.

i recalled anysz’s wish that i would find myself a sweet boyfriend (stok laki) this year. there’s five days left, and i believe miracle could happen. or the way a candace bushnell’s book would end.

i believe the latter.