self awareness


jen, you have so much more to offer, than the things those girls have…
really, you got so much more to bring to the table.
you just… need to find a way to believe it… okay?

dan humphrey to little sister,
the blair bitch project

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i am highly infatuated. very self-destructive. i may have a panic button for it and somehow i would settle for less when it comes to this temporary obsession as long as it is not what i would settle with for life — eew, i’d rather be in line for a bad OTC service (please don’t make this permanent!). as in anysz’s mantra, “it’s all in your miiind!”

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there are no ugly women, only lazy ones.

Helena Rubinstein

to lived up to this quote… is really asking a lot… i admit. sometimes one just wouldn’t bother when you’re too goddamn lazy or fucking brokenhearted. then again, do consider it seriously that when you are in one of the most embarrassing breakup, looking ultra gorgeous is the best revenge — although usually by stats, the fuckwhore your beau is cheating with is not even close to how beautiful you are — she’s just actually very empty inside and that desperate for some loving of a used item a la hazel williams.

it’s not really about looking totally breathtaking all the time, that is exhausting, totally — again, i admit and stressed. imho it is to look presentable. you look good enough for whatever position you aimed for. let me illustrate the point — one of the careers’ top tip to climb high is to dress for the job, that you deserve the job, that you are the job — sometimes i follow that wayyy to religiously to remind myself to not appear sloppy.

another illustration, when you’re admitted in the hospital — nine years ago i was diagnosed with meningitis and was mini-comatosed for the first week — the visitors came up with this comment, “wow, suraya managed to have red lips all the way through…”. that, people, is because my mother wiped my face, combed my hair and put on coloured lip gloss on my lips every morning — even when I don’t even recognized my own mother at the time.

then again, that quote, serves as a good companion and reminder. at least for moi.

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recently a fellow girlfriend blogged about how these days pretty girls with zero space used in her brain are literally bersepah — somehow, saya terasa pedasnya… which means to say… oh, pretty lea aku ni… hello? agak tak sedar diri juga.

because of howww insecured i was, worrying i will not be taken seriously — which it should’ve been since it’s the cyberfuckingspace, tak perlu ambil hati sangat, eh, moi quoted MM — i took an IQ test very ultra recently like seven hours ago which along the way i thought i was doing pretty bad but when the result came out — 120 — i was too happy i raced to tell sazali about it to justify that i am worth a rm15k hantaran.

sazali: lima belas ribu wang hantaran? kalau aku… aku nak tau, pompuan tu ade ape… ade degree ke? ape yang sampai lima belas ribu?

watching gossip girl may drained out your IQ momentarily, i won’t deny zat. then again, to moi, blair waldorf is a huge influence, the benchmark, the inspiration, the reminder that working hard goes a long way — always. some may be like the serenas where things just come rolling to her (female jealousy) — then again, delay gratification is the key (which mum constantly reminds moi).

the way jenny summed it up, “you might be priviliged, blair… but you worked for every single thing you’ve achieved.”