walk away

you know how all these times your laughters drowned all the other sounds? and when the laughters died, the tears replaced the spot. you became much, much more alert with all the sounds she made. you can hear anger in every action.

i had a friend that i helped in ways that i could. i came to understand the difficulties of how it is like to be away and since i’m hardly away, i shared everything with her. in the long run, it felt like she will only be with me when she’s fighting with the boyfriend. when she’s okay with the boyfriend, i’m dumped. it was not only me who felt this. juez felt the same way too. eventually, i severed all ties with her. yeah, i am that heartless. but this is only a result produced after you decided that you have had enough. imagine that you know you’ve had enough… but you haven’t decided anything. so you sit and decide, you pondered a lot of reasons to outweighed how she has treated you bad. you took your time. you put the effort to still think good of her. eventually you realized, you just have had enough. you’re done. and this is supposedly a fucking friend indeed.

along the way, i came to realize that i should be more forgiveful towards friends. to me, anysz taught me to be patient, more understanding, and gentler. i tried and tried and tried with all my might. i note my inconsiderate choices of words to describe how i feel. then again, do people take note of how inconsiderate some friend had been to me? are you really seeing both sides? i wouldn’t have exploded just simply. i was truly disappointed. i was truly heartbroken. after all that i’ve shared, i’ve helped, i’ve been by her side all the way, this has just been too much. and it doesn’t fucking help that you’d give a self-explanatory excuse — “i have my own reasons that i wouldn’t expect you to understand.”

aku ni bodoh sangat then… the spoiled-her-mummy-is-always-there-girl.

i really hate to be put at that spot. sangat pantang. my last boyfriend did that to me, i don’t need a girlfriend to do that. almaklumlah aku ni unworthy. ada banyak lagi obstacles in life, that’s why you need girlfriends… but since you chose to be out of my so-called life, i can’t stop you.

of all these times you took the easy way out, i guess this is the right choice you made.