9.58 am

do you know how blissful it is waking up in the hotel room after last night’s party and after a very good sleep as i dozed off at 3 am with the duvet anysz had put on moi and i snuggled blissfully in warmth with the bday gal and then woke up, greeted the laptop, and poured vanilla coke for breakfast — at least for moi, i’m in the mood for such decadent activity.

+ + +

in every way that i have faith in HIM, i failed the obligatory part almost often. however, being the YM Penyayang HE is, in so many ways — especially in finding the significant other part — HE still speaks to me — ? — yeah, and i learn on handling rejection.

there’s a line i picked up from an article — dating is about rejection. so it is. although perhaps the other party has way long time ago rejected you — only that they failed gloriously to tell you — but telling yourself that this is a rejection is a whole another story.

driving home after breakfast at jalan 223, i made a conclusion about myself that i would pushed it to the end where in the first strike i was spared the pain by not being at the end of where i am not supposed to be — because HE loves me. but being in the pain of not knowing why, when the unthinkable happened just like that, is so terrible and i do not like it hovering inside my head without a clear cut definition, and i could not tell myself that i’m better off to just move on when there’s so many ‘what ifs’ inside my head. i really do fight for love. unnecessarily, and i learnt my lesson the hard way. the really hard way.

on top of this, i came to realize that when i’m with the fgk-s and each of them with their boyfriend, i would always gloriously turned up alone without fail no matter how i have arranged things to ensure that i will not turned up single — even when i am actually, at the time, in a relationship. when eventually i brought one potentialèe, i have never been that quiet to the point of mute, that i would not even let aneeza speaks of the details of that unfortunate event, to the point that i would scream a la charlotte york from poughkeepsie screaming “shut up! shut up!” when she incidentally pooped in her pants.

aneeza: memang hari gelap kau.
dark lovehood — a branch of study from dark childhood, particularly concentrating on one experimental human being by suessy suraya suhaimi, research assistant to professor emeritus anysz.

nak sangat to know how it is like to have a bf who can blend in with my BFFs and their bf — hambik kau — i would not want to be in that kind of spot ever again, where i am squirming inside with all the bullshits my date was pulling.

then again, learning the lesson is a though road to go through. really bumpy. but it’s worth it when you successfully got through it. it’s an ultimate satisfaction knowing that you’re another block stronger that when it comes to rejection — the stupid way men usually do to you anyways — you get so pissed off about being treated like the way you were, you don’t even feel the hurt of rejection — at least for me.

oui, not a drop of hurt. just pissed that you will never — ever — let yourself be treated like that again.

it is still always funner being single — i began to see the light of roha’s words — every time you attend parties on your own… although at first, you dread about coming alone. the thing is, whatever you’re gonna do there or afterwards… you don’t have to worry about being caught like *suzy in the green dress.

+ + +

not that i am being cocky, like i have such a special connection with HIM… this is just for my own note… despite such a person that i am, i felt how HE being the YM Pemurah and YM Penyayang unto me. if i were a more humble servant to HIM, imagine how HE’d showed His Love.

that is all.


*refering to jj and rudy’s ‘the best of gotcha! calls’ that was aired all through last saturday

+ + +

also, i wanted to quote miss wani ardy — perhaps, one of the most talented shakespearita (in the sense of poetry and luahan hati and qualification and achievements, whereas i in the sense of fbs word challenge) that i am most honoured to be of acquaintance and ultra-ten-thousand-feet-off-the-ground whenever she thought of me to be at one of her gaths.

and Nazirah, this is just a small part of how much i think you’re worth — and you’ve got everything going on for you by just being you. in the words of my BFF roha, you’re already good just being on your own. take a read.


Do you have balls?

Yes, you heard me.

Do you have balls?

No, I’m not asking you to unzip and see what’s underneath the brief.

I’m asking you,

do you have balls?

Berani kau luah yang kau kasihkan aku?
Berani kau tunjuk yang kau kasihkan aku?

Berani kau khabar pada satu dunia jika kau perlu?
Berani kau bukti pada satu dunia jika kau perlu?

Berani kau rangkul hodoh-hodoh aku?
Berani kau sambut bodoh-bodoh aku?

Berani kau tadah tangis-tangis aku?
Berani kau isi kosong-kosong aku?

Berani kau ada dengan aku tiap kali aku sedih?
Berani kau ada dengan aku tiap kali aku sakit?

Berani kau dukung aku jika kaki aku lemah?
Berani kau suap aku jika tangan aku gigil?

Berani kau cari ubat aku di serata pelosok, di tengah-tengah malam bila semua klinik tutup?
Berani kau pandu untukku di waktu subuh, dihenyak lalulintas dengan mata kau mengantuk?

Berani kau lebihkan apa yang kurang?
Berani kau mudahkan apa yang susah?

Berani kau usaha sebanyak mana aku usaha?
Berani kau cuba sebanyak mana aku cuba?

Berani kau semai harapan dan tumbuhkan janji?
Berani kau akui salah dan minta maaf setulus hati?

Berani kau hargai dan hormati aku sebagaimana aku hargai dan hormati kau?
Berani kau tak sampahkan aku sebagaimana aku tak sampahkan kau?

Berani kau tak berpaling dari ku walaupun ketika kau marah?
Berani kau tak berpaling dari ku walaupun ketika aku marah?

Berani kau jawab panggilan aku?
Berani kau balas perasaan aku?

Berani kau ambil berat tentang apa yang berat dalam hidup aku?
Berani kau faham bahawa aku manusia berjiwa dan berotak, bukan objek bertanda hak milik mutlak?

Berani kau rutinkan kejujuran?
Berani kau rutinkan kepercayaan?

Berani kau rumus pendirian kau dan pilih aku?
Berani kau pilih aku dan hanya kasihkan aku?

Berani kau lepaskan aku jika aku tak bahagia?
Berani kau lepaskan aku jika kau tak bahagia, dan kau katakan ke muka ku bahawa kau tak bahagia?

Now I’ll ask you again,

do you have balls?

Kalau kau tak berani semua ini,
jangan sekali pun terlintas di kepala kau bahawa kau kasihkan aku.

Serupa saja aku dikasih yang sejenis.

+ + +

i love each and all of my girlfriends, my girl cuzns, all the ladies that looked after me, my mum — and a few notable gents.

and i especially love me.

don’t let anyone hurt you. and especially don’t let yourself hurt you.