i am… screwed… but i feel delirious… and overwhelmed of certain things. i thought, it’s been a while that this cluster of episodes has replayed itself… and lately it has been going on and off… usually i had someone to cried my eyes out about it… but not currently. currently, the most that i’d wanted to do is to call M and listened to him being full of himself — which i am aware that this is the most irrelevant reason to do so, in the expectation that i’d take my mind out of this fucked up situation — but i don’t really feel like it either.
for quite some time ever since forever, i found that talking to wani’s brother is a great sigh of relief. not being hard up about men neither am i looking — he’s a great great great breathe of fresh air. not one that punctuated his sentence with haha or hehe, he gets my joke, i get his stuffs — i begged to differ wani’s statement that her brother hardly gets friendly with just anyone… i think he is not and is also very very polite with guests — i am not categorizing him — and (first and foremost!!!) out of respect that this is a friend’s brother, i’m feeling too weird about whatsoever teasing prospects — i just love a good conversation. it’s been awhile.
and just now, after an unexpected tirade of required energy, i found that i shaked off the exhaustion by (for the first time) having a lengthy conversation with my doctor about ourselves… which currently revolves around baking cookies, adolescent boys growing up to be men, being single, and how they don’t make men like they used to. okay, now i know how some people spent such a long time with the doctor… i felt guilty for keeping the really sicked one waiting.
two of the best conversations i’ve had to date. i like to record it… that’s all.
back to being screwed… this time around… i don’t really feel like i owed something so big — although i did created the fucking mess — but this time around (i keep repeating this)… i talked back so that she knows, so that she stop kidding herself (but she still stubbornly wants to be so — i don’t bother to reason with her…), i wanted to cry but i find myself telling moi to hold back those tears… and i didn’t feel like calling one of the girls to pour it out, which i would usually do… although anysz dropped by and she knows something was obviously wrong as i let the tears running down at the same time speaking in normal tone, defying everything… i held myself sharing anything…
i just wanted to be left alone… i may not be answering the phone, but i’ll be alive at facebook as you can obviously see… let me screwed up some more — i know i am not finished yet — until she’s satisfied… and think about what i’m going to do next… how i so wish that i am indeed serena so i can just really disappear from lily… locked myself in hamptons with anne’s irish wolfhounds… too bad, money is what i don’t have and this is just the reason i got screwed up so badly…
along the way, i find that problem is the next thing closest to us after death. we are never silenced out of a problem. each of us got one or two or more, big or small, always there or comes-now-and-then, all of a sudden or you can see it coming, calm before the storm or that explosive hit… each of us got something hovering on us, unfinished business… about to be executed or still biding time… from my observation of two recent gatherings… cerita lain…
haha.. tak payah penat fikirkannya… disuruh jangan dan tak payah… leave it at that saja. anyone would feel that suicidal for the moment… you’d understand.
the faces all around me they don’t smile they just crack
we sit and throw our roots into the floor
something’s always coming you can hear it in the ground
it swells into the air
with the rising
and never comes but shakes the boards and rattles all the doors
i am hiding from some beast
but the beast was always here
watching without eyes
because the beast is just my fear
that i am just nothing
now its just what i’ve become
what am i waiting for
it’s already done