the scarred and the unstabled

i have not read anybody’s scribbles that was of mutual friends because i can’t bring myself to do so for the overwhelming overwhelming overwhelming fear that i would be on things that i shouldn’t be since i am on the sixth month and it still pains me. a lot.

still a nutcase now and then.

It is a normal part of being a human that we face grief. Grief is the price we pay for loving. Of course we grieve when a loved one dies but we also grieve other losses, such as the loss of a relationship through divorce or personality-changing illness, or the loss of a job, or through a move to another area, or the “empty nest syndrome” when the kids leave home, or… well the list is potentially endless.

Grief is work that we have to do. We all know that avoiding doing the work of grief isn’t good for us. We need to feel the numbness, the sadness, the hopelessness, the guilt, the whatever. We need to talk it to death with our family and friends. Gradually the feelings calm down a bit and we are able to face the future without whoever or whatever we’ve lost.

Disenfranchised grief screws up the normal processes, though. Disenfranchised grief has been defined as grief that isn’t openly acknowledged, isn’t socially accepted, or isn’t publicly mourned. The relationship, the loss, the griever are unrecognised. The mourners are cut off from social supports and don’t get the chance they need to do that grief work, to express their grief, and reach a resolution stage.

Disenfranchised grief comes into play in all kinds of situations. For example, if one participant in an illicit affair dies suddenly, the other party can’t grieve publicly and his or her grief is therefore “disenfranchised”. Similarly if an unborn child is lost through miscarriage or abortion, people may not know and so support will not be offered, though I think things are improving a bit in this area. A loss that is not seen as a “proper” bereavement comes under this heading too. For example, an old person whose much loved pet dies may not really be regarded as being bereaved, though they are feeling all the pain of the loss of a human relationship. People have also experienced disenfranchised grief at the loss of an idolised celebrity.

Annedroid, 9th May 2008

Recovery is often a slow and continual process, that can take years. There may be setbacks along the way.

should have acknowledged the grief right from the start… but i was so much in denial that i was terribly afraid i’d break into two and so many pieces that i would not be able to put back together because i don’t think i could handle the magnitude. in this matter i can’t multitask. i have to take it easy but in a very hard and a very slow process. one thing at a time. so when i talk about it, i’m not still mulling things… i just want to say it out. literally get it out of my head. but please still pay attention, play the audience, because i need the feedback and emotional support.

If I thought I could help you, by putting you in an enchanted sleep, and allowing you to postpone the moment you would have to think about what has happened tonight, I would do it. But I know better. Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it. You have shown bravery beyond anything that I could have expected of you. I ask you to demonstrate your courage one more time. I ask you to tell us what happened.

Dumbledore to Harry, The Parting of the Ways, Book 4

this part always echoes inside my head. it is somewhat subconscious, when you are able to project such courage and bravery to defy all that intend to break you. at the time you just thought of surviving, thought off getting to the next point without breaking, the thought of pulling yourself together to get through it.

but now, to be asked to display that courage again… to project it, to heal yourself… to just pull yourself together and keep finding happiness so that you will not be spending time dwelling on this…

just keep searching for that happiness… just spill it out. you’d feel lighter, though you may have to do it again and again and again until either you’re tired of it you’d move on and forget about being shitty or you’ll realized that you’re somewhat reformat and that there’s a lot of space for you to fill in with new memories.

so what if i don’t like to keep it even at the back of my head all the things that pained me, especially when i don’t deserve it… but i don’t deny that it is something to go through because c’est la vie. i am just too scared about bearing the pain…

it’s gonna take a little more than that to scare me after what i’ve been through.

Carrie