Morning Sickness

Words fail me all the time
I don’t even feel like talking
still I go on and on
I’m dying here
and you keep walking

why are you asking me this?
can’t you see I’m trying?
I don’t like it like this
no I think I’m dying

I can’t calm down at all
panic is what panic feels like
can’t we just stay silent?
speaking now seems far too violent

why are you asking me this?
can’t you see I’m trying?
I don’t like it like this
no I think I’m dying

+ + +

Felt Like High Skool

I must have been really dizzy. Arriving office and getting into the lift with a few other people and a few other people got out at their desired floor, I swear I saw there was only one button left to indicate the next floor heading – which I have already pushed when I first came into the lift and usually the last one to arrive since my office is on the topmost floor.

There was then only me and this girl left. Based on the fact my brain has processed in the first paragraph, I thought I recognized this girl I’m with even though I didn’t see her face. I keep staring at the back of her. The hair looked different, she must have trimmed it but I did thought it was a bit brownier – maybe she had highlights too. She is tall – even wearing flats. She must have been one head taller than me. Her arm’s width is half of mine. One setback that I always detest – VPL. Don’t make me nag.

So, when the lift stopped at the floor – to which both of us (I initially thought) shared in common, I was taken aback with the unfamiliar narrow interior. Wait a secthis is not my floor. Then I saw the number 14 to indicate the floor I’m at. Alright, that girl is not the girl that I thought I knew. I looked helplessly as the lift door is closing.

I pushed the lift button and had to wait around three minutes – which naturally felt like those three minutes stretched itself to the fullest – and I was slightly embarassed… with a girl. Not the girl I was with inside the lift, but this particular girl who is so pretty and stylish (cerita lain).

+ + +

Saying Hello to The Edge

During the meeting, I had two checklists while Miin was babbling away about something we didn’t remember that we were not supposed to do.

Meeting Checklist:

Item no. 5

I want to die. b careful wat to wish for.

Blogging Checklist:

Item no. 4

I want to die – talking bout suicide.

In the first checklist, I drew the x sign, the + sign – which indicate dead eyes, a sword, a skull, a bomb, a fire on a matchstick, a bone, and wrote A-R-S-E-N-I-C.

I am a lot about against suicide. Once before. I wouldn’t acknowledge that it is preferable to die – even in writing – during those times that I almost always give up.

At this point, I write it down and it felt like chanting a curse or saying Avada Kedavra. Just one step away from executing it.

Perhaps, I do know how it feels like of others who already did.

+ + +

I keep dreaming about –

I want – to go away

+ + +

Melancholic Depression

At least one of the following:

1. Loss of pleasure in all, or almost all, activities

2. Lack of mood reactivity to usually pleasurable stimuli (can’t feel much better, even when something good happens)

At least three of the following:

1. Distinct quality of depressed mood (i.e., the depressed mood is experienced as distinctly different from the kind of feeling experienced after the death of a loved one)

2. Depression is regularly worse in the morning

3. Early morning awakening (at least 2 hours before usual time of awakening)

4. Marked psychomotor retardation or agitation

5. Significant anorexia or weight loss.

6. Excessive or inappropriate guilt

+ + +

I faked the running tears with yawns. By yawning fakingly.

+ + +

Just Black

For the past two nights, Mum asked moi to sleep with her. Each time past midnight, the water pressure from Mum’s bathroom gets so high it lets out such a long eerie sound.

The first time Mum heard it – alone – she thought it was me screaming. The first time I heard it, I thought it was a dog in anguish pain. But the sound was so loud and it howls for quite some time, say three minutes, and I doubted that a dog has that vast of breath to whine.

It would happen for more than fifteen times in the period of two hours. So when you thought it was over, and you’re already be in a deep slumber, that sound wakes you up and the first thing you’d thought of is…

Mum told Dad about this and she thought it was this thing that Dad recently told her. Some big, black thing visited him and was hanging at the grill of his window – Dad lives in the ninth floor. It was about to get into the house but Dad saw it just in time and barkingly told that thing to go back to its owner.

Dad: Don’t scream.

It is just the impulse reflex of a human when faced with such a foul-looking creature that of course the first thing one would do is – especially a woman – scream. That’s what the brain processed anyway.

Dad is used to these things. One of his favourite books – my childhood memories rushed in – is the Bercakap dengan Jin series. Also – childhood memories – once Dad had to do this project with UUM at the time UUM is just developing… take fifteen years ago. Dad was accomodated with a two-room apartment – there were two or three apartment blocks or more – but the point is, Dad lived in one of the blocks all by himself. He was always greeted at his apartment by either a very black cat, a very black dog, or a very black snake.

Dad: Who do you always put next to you?