Toxicated

Lately I’ve been wanting to cry. Maybe If I put on The Fray’s How to Save A Live, then I would.

Nope. Tak pun.

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Now I know how Mum could’ve loved this ugly L-shaped leather couch she recently bought and put it facing the window. It’s absolute tranquility, what with the weather is pleasantly cloudy and cool. I just found my favourite spot in the house and listening to The Fray fits the mood.

And Moeli conquered her favourite chair.

All this bliss, and tomorrow Mum wants to go for a mini break at Pantai Indah. The apartment looks nice.

I guess the beach breeze would do me.

If I don’t say this now I will surely break
As I’m leaving the one I want to take
Forgive the urgency
but hurry up and wait
My heart has started to separate

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Lately I wasn’t aware that I am actually stressed out. I hated myself being sleepy at work, keep permitting myself another five minutes in bed, leaving out my assignments, not even updating my blog.

Anysz: Rasanya banyak toksik dalam badan.

Must be about the money. My Maxis line is barred, I didn’t attend Wani’s show last night at Lepaq Cafe, and I faked a major migraine to get an MC today – I only get minor migraines these days… you know, those that comes and goes and once in a while poked you with a sharp jab.

I’ve been steaming my face lately.

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Doc said my blood pressure is low for the body built – 90/60. That explains the dizzy-ness, raser cam floating je… whouu, cloud 9!

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Seriously, I’m already broke for this month.

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I came across this line in a superfuckingslowmotion Korean drama: “I have always believe nothing good ever comes out of keeping it inside.”

Okay, thank you very much. So here I am.

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Want to be pretty. Want to be rich. Want to have lots of nice things.

Start to slim down. Start to eat less. Start to drink more water. Take those Proflavanols.

Start pick up that text book. Start to read the newspaper. Start to do your assignments. Score well, and you grad. And you pick out the best school that is nearby or best, locating in Manhattan. Get those papers.

Then I’ll have the money, plenty to spend, plenty to share. Treat Mum to whatever she wants. Engaged a maid for her and another for moi. Learn how to cook. Becoming a domestic goddess. Buy for aunt whichever Ferragamo or Bruno Magli that she wants. Keep more cats, buy a big house, have a pool.

Travel and dine with the girlfriends, buy them a Lanvin once in a while, and indulge to whatever that their kids want.

Make it happen.

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Aira is going to US on the 10th to do her Masters and PhD. When I received her text, I was overwhelmed I could cry. What was I sad for? Because she’s leaving? I’m not Monica as to she is Rachel. But it is nice be remembered, kan… and off to a new friendship that we never did when we were at school – different cliques, I was always the louder one with my English and she’s actually this girl who has everything but… down-to-earth.

Truthfully at her wedding, I was a bit depressed – it just caught up on me. I sat there quietly staring at everybody else at the table although my best girlfriends were there, and tried to embrace the family feeling because there were two Mums there, happily smiling at the grown daughters. I was so depressed I did had tears in my eyes for a while – I tilted back my head as if to pour the tears back into my head.

But then the camwhoring session is – always – the best therapy. Although there was those MCKK graduated boys and actually hot-worthy waiters, I was more about warding off the Dementors in my head. Conclusively, I was the one delivering a superloud wedding wish recorded for her video. OMG I was loud.

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Yesterday I watched Friends’ 16th episode of the tenth season – The One with Rachel’s Going Away Party – for her Louis Vuitton job. I love the part when Joey was about to climbed off the balcony after his goodbye session with Rachel. He is my favourite. Utterly stupid but lovable and his sensitivity is endearing. I cried. Just a little. I know there’s more.

The morning before Sazali stopped at my place and he asked what’s going on? I rattled out my feelings and the tears came out but only for me to finish one very long sentence and then I stopped to inhale a big one. That’s when Sazali successfully cut in and said, “Haaa, dah ambik nafas tu, okey lea. Kau dah okey.”

The evening before the morning before, as I hung up, I wanted to cry. So much at that but I couldn’t. It won’t come out.

The Saturday before the evening before the morning before, I had this, sort of, strike inside moi. The strike was like switching off the STOP button to indicate that the story is over. It’s over now. Done and done.

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happy birthday roha’s hubby mr faissal fahimi! keep rawking dude!