Confident, Psycho, and Perasan

Happy birthday Juliana J and darling QieQie!!!


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I could take a whole hour for breakfast. I will take my own sweet time to eat and read at the same time, or eat and watch one of those series I downloaded (as according to the mood I’m feeling for), finished off with a nice, steaming mug of caffeine – which I should think as equivalent as you guys’ taking a smoke.

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M has been terribly busy that it affected him… and affected us. Wow! Hehe. Sure, we are just friends – Mum is not agreeing that I am going with him alone to Juejue’s akad – but not that he ruled me out completely, then, kan? Haha.

Yesterday I was the jakun lea sikit that I am having the first fight – sort of – with M. Not the kind of fight with Pharhunt yang mengaku best friend tapi nak merajuk dengan aku tahap laki menjeruk bini dia terlupa sambal belacan for his ulam. I don’t know what is not funny about what I said to which M said he’s too tired to try again to understand what I was saying – Sooo, it’d b very helpful if u cud b clear… Oh, and the operative word there is again, haha!

He thinks I’m mocking him in certain words – I think most words – I chose to use but I can’t help being me and you think it’s sarcasm. Some words that I chose to use are merely the way I see things are. Don’t take it as a sarcasm, even if I intended to or it sounded like it… tell it to yourself this could be a reminder about what’s going on, does it really looked like that? It is something to ponder and reconsider, you know.

Was I being sarcastic with M… at second read, maybe I was but certainly not mocking. As much as we think the men are insensitive, there are parts of them yang terlebih-lebih sensitif lea pulak. Think I will stop asking, ‘what did you do?’ when he said he slept at 5am (again) or tell him to eat more than just ‘sort of‘ anymore. I knew M as he’s got that business going on, and he’s always away even during weekends, and I’m fine with that – that’s just him as far as I know.

Anysz: Aku tak percaya dia (M) tu low self-esteem. Wait a minute… kau rasa aku low self-esteem tak?
Moi: Not at all. You are one of my sources to project confidence.
Anysz: Oh, okay… then aku percaya lea dia tu low self-esteem.

Roha: Masa dengan Pharhunt tak nak tergedik-gedik macam ni.
On which I was terkinja-kinja calling out ‘Eddieee’ ala that girl in those previous Celcom ads while watching the Eddie guy starring in what was that drama on RTM2. Yeah, I like that Eddie guy to which Roha disapprove because of its acuan… I only like his hair.

I believe all of us are confident — most of the time without realizing it. I guess yeah, to me I could be that confident when in class, when at the office. But when it comes to the guy that I like… it takes an effin’ loads of courage to appear poised. The percentage of moi merapu and babbling would usually melebihi the percentage of the guy disliking me, okay.

Ada this type of men, I based on Roha’s Fahimi — slowww sikit nak kasik push (sampai Roha tinggalkan a song lyric on a piece of paper at Fahimi’s car windshield and when Fahimi saw the paper, he thought dia kena saman). Nak kena perempuan jugak kasik hints jatuh betul-betul atas kepala the guy. Not that I dropped the hints directly on M’s head – yet. Still tengah stage to observe and getting along.

I’m giving mental note to not shrink myself to fit into his life. I hate to pursue… for now. As much as maybe I found some of the best of men, there’s none yet that would make me go to that extra length. Once he showed this part of him yang menyusahkan nak berbelit-belit, I moved on. I am not holding myself back, I just don’t bother to make myself hurt dalam masa terdekat. And whatever I’m doing to them boys, the ground rule is that he’s single. Always assumed they are taken unless they said it to you otherwise. If they lied pun, tak lama… I would know it eventually.

Yesterday, after dinner at TTDI – best gilerr eyecandies (loads!), I was playing eyes with one, sukaaaaa – and then sesat masuk NKVE whereas I supposed to U-turn (ntah mana U-turn ciptaan Nana tu, kau lupe bagitau Samy Vellu suruh bukak satu, aku rasa!) to pick up Mum at Kelana Jaya (dah freaked sebab Mum already reaching LRT, langsung aku jadi Gone in 60 Seconds), M texted. From there I got this sense of being confident and psycho-ing him (kot) the way Anysz and Farizz been telling me to do. Since I was sikit punya confident flirting with Sunshine, why couldn’t I apply a dab of it on M? I think this is that confidence thingy.

The texting with M got along fine, he’s at his meeting during the ungodly hours and moi with Mum having supper after I picked her up and waiting for L finishing his shift at One World while watching Beautiful Life in the car. M said he’s Now ok kot and apologizing for the truthful and uneventful excuses to moi. To which I replied we can kiss and make up bout it later. He said he’s not sure about the kissing part. Tak perlu highlight if you never want them, haha!

Terlebih perasan or confident… take it as your own references if you will.

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I found this website Charming, but single. It’s a nice read.

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Oh yea, I found my card reader.

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Liking Lucky a lot. I don’t like to listen to songs previously  – always preferred listening to movies or series at work to avoid sleeping – but now, I love playing on Trent like I could not leave home without him and my SonicStage all the time the laptop is on – like all the time even when I sleep because I want Jason to sing to me.

Boleh lea, Jason Mraz pun sangat okay lea. At least he’s 31 even though he looks young.

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I don’t like orang pakai halter top and put on a jacket or cardigan on top of it – unless you could appear really chic. It’s like you are too desperate to appear sexy but don’t have the boobs for it. Or you’re as pathetic as those artistes yang terpaksa pakai bodysuit underneath the sleeveless on stage to avoid kena gam dengan kerajaan.

Eewuurghh, sangat benci.

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Aku nak kurus.

Farizz: Kau nak kurus macam mana lagi… kau dah kurus lea, Suessy.

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It is not about insecurity – is low self-esteem equivalent to insecurity?

I think insecurity is on people yang berlagak to tell the whole world tentang gaji dia yang wow (penyakit Melayu yang paranoid tentang gaji orang lain untuk dibanding-bandingkan) and still think it is not enough because nak bayar credit card IKEA and bayar for that ASTRO bill whatsoever lahhh, and that you don’t use Internet at the office sebab you ade Internet at home… adoiii.

Whatever I wrote here is for moi to remind myself that I do have people looking after me, looking up on me, or upon me when I felt that I am un-loved.

And whoever felt that this could be made as references coming back up from square one… I am honoured.

Talk to me.