Living for the Moment out of Pure Spite

I’m sorry lea darling, but you just got me started on fuckwhore…

Suessy is like this. Mula-mula baik, bebal, lurus, dan poyo, akurrr dengan whatever people (who-don’t-know) say, and oui, I listened it out, didn’t I? And would you be expecting moi to shut up and just shut up? Ari‘s protege, baby, and it do me much good.

Konon-konon almost Blair but darling Blair is always – always – action speaks louder than blogging so count your blessings that I wouldn’t have my clique (I’m sorry you babes had to be dragged in) to share the front page of KOSMO! and HARIAN METRO with the top news Malaysians love to read or forward in their work e-mails – of how I gagged my ex’s new girlfriend to death. Since fuckwhore is petite, I would have no problem to have Huda, Roha and Aneeza to hold her left, right and back while I give out the instructions to Anysz to pour arsenic down her throat.

And Arwah labelled me as arrogant, childish, stupidity (isn’t it a part of me?) what else do you have for moi… I admit those titles are as deserving as it is deserrrving to fuckwhore. I’m enjoying myself, you don’t have to bother telling moi. Even if you had the final word it counts as… nothing.

The very first call I made to fuckwhore inquiring who she is based on the monthly cellphone bill pattern, I was already ready to let Arwah go. I have been cynical, interrogative, direct, plain sarcastic, polite, diplomatic, friendly, desperate, whiny, tearful, demanding, instructive and everything else in between that fits moi during the time talking to fuckwhore.

My question was simple, do you know Arwah, darling?
No, I don’t know, she says… I have a lot of friends by the same name, I kawan dengan ramai lelaki.
But darling, says I, it can’t be that you don’t know him, he calls you every day and several times per day. You sure you don’t know him?
Noooo

She wouldn’t even admit to know him. Mati-mati menyumpah tak kenal. I came to the point of tearfully begging her to confess. If you are his girlfriend, his new girlfriendplease let me know. I can’t stop him anymore. Please, just end this misery. I would like to know that from you, and I will want him to admit it too. And then we (Arwah and I) are done. For good. Please. Just. Tell. Me.

Fuckwhore never answers the question. She told me to talk to Arwah. It could have just ended then and there. I would not deny that I was desperate, in denial, clinging to the last non-existing threads. It was already a brain dead relationship, as in the words of Roha, “You dah tak ade influence on him anymore, langsung dah tak ade. Macam mana you nak fix this? Tak boleh dah…”

Please do remember, you ladies. To do this to another sister. Tak ade respect langsung. To lie, to manipulate, to save your own pussy. Aku kira dah cukup baik lea nak let go, nak admit, nak step back, on the first note itself. Berani buat, berani lea kena sembur. I would have respect you a lot more if you confessed… and not that I was wrong about the matter, weren’t I?

At first I couldn’t understand why Arwah sibuk sangat wanted space. What did I do? I admitted I was neglecting him for a while sampai dia sangat terasa. Neglect sebab kerja, fatigue, tak ada time for myself, financial, studies, family matters. Masa tu I could not even hold myself together, I became selfish to take the easy way out. It costs me, but didn’t it shows… silap aku bukannya besar pun. It wasn’t me who walked out of the relationship. It wasn’t me who complicated things.

Arwah admitted that dia tak reti nak mengadu dengan mutual friends yang ada. Dah berapa lama together… four years. Tak ade pun inisiatif nak make an impact, muncul depan ofis ke. Bila relationship dah ended, ada hati nak berkawan dengan one of them.
Roha: I tak faham langsung kenapa masa you dengan Arwah problem, dia tak reti-reti pun nak cari I.

Arwah: You nak I buat apa, then?!
To tell the truth. Direct. What did you want? What do you want now?
Arwah: I tak tau I nak apa. I nak cari bukit, berdiri atas bukit, menjerit kuat-kuat.
At the time he said that, if I had the money to fill up the tank, I would drive him up to anywhere yang ada bukit. I would.
Arwah: Kusut. You tak habis-habis pujuk I. Tensi. Apa I boleh buat, I gave in je lea.
Fuck you.

Based on this entry, fuckwhore messaged moi (pardon the inaccuracy), hi, i know it is not my place to say this but don’t break up with him kesian dia he really loves you… Really…? This is not from the horse’s mouth… jangan percaya. Tapi kalian tau betapa desperatenya aku masa tu kan? I never replied to that message. Aneeza told me that this is just about the same thing she went through with another fuckwhore species we call her Sitikus. This act of sending a decoy message, ladies, if you must know, is how the fuckwhores wanted to be sure that you really dah break up habis dengan your boyfriend so that she can move in.

Arwah: I think I want to fix this.
Moi: Fix what?
Arwah: The relationship lea.
Moi: Say it out loud. Why’d you have to make me ask you?

Observe the word think. Did he really wanted it?

Later I learn when I put two and two together (remember time Arwah konon-konon transparent with moi when he, truthfully with that last piece-of-shit respect he bestowed on me telling what had actually happened? Cerita pun tak cerita betul-betul. Lepas satu, satu keluar. Bila dah hujung nyawa-nyawa ikan, when I put two and two together, baru aku boleh nampak what the hell had actualfuckingly happened) that during the time, and days afterward that Arwah said he would want to fix the relationship, Arwah was (in his own words) crashing at fuckwhore’s place… day in, day out. How do you feel? I’m not asking Arwah, I’m asking you fellow ladies. Tau shattered – one of the most efficient words. Dah cukup nak buat kau rasa bodoh kan.. humiliated… fooled… hina.

And Arwah defended fuckwhore when we (Arwah and I) briefly got together again and on how he is super-concerned how fuckwhore is now hurt because he let her go (she needs me, he said)…
Arwah: Everytime dia sukakan someone, orang tu laki orang… boyfriend orang…
Ape masalah kau yang asyik (is it ter-?)ambik orang punya ni…?

Again, as I said… it is easy for one who was in my condition to feel worthless. Sangat mudah. I was lucky I had people reaching out to me who I had previously taken for granted for so long. I did turned to HIM. I am not saying that this is what I should do, I don’t even need to justify why I’m doing this. I am merely thinking for the others out there. Who would happened to find me here, and is going through the same thing I went through. Notes, references, thoughts, advices, courage, anything that would not unnecessarily lengthen their despair… the way I did with mine… mengharap with the non-existent promises of we can still be friends.

I understand now how much Aneeza wanted me to get out of this rut. Pointing out to me where I might go wrong should I stay. Apologizing again and again for being harsh to me while she was saying it out… concerning my state of mind at the time.

Loss and betrayal.

I’m good with the loss, and whatever else that would follow… I never made anyone stay if they chose not to. Beranilah sikit to decide, I’m already tired.

Betrayal… try to cope with it. And this is how I do.

And I just couldn’t help myself with this one too. Fuckwhore told moi (oh, I’m so “honoured” that she shared it with moi) that she has experienced a near death. She was in a car crash. She was thrown out of the car, and landed on the fast lane. She was lucky that there was no car at the time.

I wish now more than ever, that there was, at least… a Kancil.

Even if the story is not true (since she lied to me a lot anyways)… be careful, it might eventually happened to you, darling.

To each, her own.