Details in the Fabric/ The Truth Hurts, Darling

Arwah:
Hye.wanna ask, i punya the source mags ada dgn u?

Moi:
Think it’s gone. Sorry.

Arwah:
Hilang ke mana?

Moi:
Buang.

Arwah:
Sape suruh u buang?

Moi:
Ur stuffs r pushing me out of my own space. i decided to get rid of it. Think that’s all, i got things to do. Jgn lupa masukkan duit. Thank you!

Arwah:
I suh u simpan bkn suh buang.i still want it.

Moi:
Try ur luck at the dumpster, darling!

Arwah:
Konon…

I suh u simpan talk to me when you feel neglected bkn suh buang chat dgn a fucking stranger and ting-tong with her.i would still want to fix it.

***

More or less (pardon the inaccuracy), the conversation dated back Oct 20th, 2007. The official date I chose that our relationship has well begun its ending although it marked the fourth anniversary.

Arwah: You tau Phat Fabes pakai kereta ape?
Moi: I don’t know… Wira? (at the time I admitted that I was ignorant about Phat Fabes has all those endorsement deals and watnot)
Arwah: Nooo… tekalah. Kereta tu atas sikit dari kategori Wira, bawah dari kategori mewah
Moi: I have no idea… (I rattled a few other cars but I think I was pretty much too ‘ntah’ to guess it right)
Arwah: Phat Fabes pakai BM 5 Series.
Moi: (spluttered) Why do you say BM 5 Series tak mewah?
Arwah: Entah… I rasa dah ramai je orang pakai BM 5 Series sekarang.
Moi: And why are you not one of them?

Go on and subscribe The Source then, shouldn’t be breaking a sweat for your pocket since a car with the same price of a house is tak mewah to you.

***

Moi: Marilah melepak after work, bebeh!
Sazali: Tak boleh, hari ni girlfriend aku nak belanja lasagna.
Moi: Did I tell you that arwah ada marah aku sebab bawakkan lasagna tak cukup?
Sazali: Itu yang kau puji-puji sangat tu?
Moi: Lasagna tu baru masak and aku terus bawak and drive up to his place. Aku nak rasa sikit je aku masak okey ke tak, and dia marah-marah aku bawak tak cukup.
Sazali: Itu yang kau rasa hebat sangat tu? Kalau aku, girlfriend aku bagi lasagna yang dah terbasi pun, aku akan makan jugak, cakap (imaginary fork to the mouth), “Sedapnya…”

***

Kak Azza: Awak tak datang dengan abang awak?
Moi: Oh, kami dah bercerai.
Kak Azza: Ye ke… kenapa?
Moi: Dia jumpa betina lain yang boleh menyara dia dengan lebih baik.

***

I remembered arwah had those (buaya, maybe) tears in his eyes, when he regaled it that he goes to work with fuckwhore, he comes home with fuckwhore, he’s 24-7 with fuckwhore… saying it achingly to moi (konon…), “it should have been you…”.

I stopped myself from regretting…  it is not my fault that I don’t have what fuckwhore has. It is not for me to think on how to provide the space. It is not of my responsibility to cater the necessity for the both of us, especially for him.

As much as I did helped arwah a lot, financially… I put my foot down that the marital responsibility to provide the shelter, the food, is his’. And I remembered him scowling to me, “takkan you nak biar I tanggung semua?” Well, what do you expect… of course. Then again, for all these years, hadn’t I been the most selfless person I could be when I was with you?

I would go to that extra length with what I could afford that the Nike must be an original, the only sound system could satisfy you is Sony, the ciggies you smoke is Marlboro, and the pasta you like is as cheesy as it could be paid.

I’m writing this down, to whoever dropped by here, to the girls, the guys, who were dishonourly dumped…

It’s easy to feel worthless at times like this. But remember your worth. Acknowledge what you have done. You know what you have to offer. Not that I’m saying I’m perfect. Not that I’m saying we would be happily ever after. But I know my worth, I know what I have to offer.

It was scary at first, to face it. But you are not worthless, after all that you have worked for. Not what you have done, what you have worked for. You deserve every ounce of happiness that is there waiting for you. You will never lose working hard. If it is not here, there’s the Hereafter. He is YM ADIL.

Becoming stronger, yes. But at times you will faltered. Let it go. You will learn that you do not want it to be seen like you used to display it… I think it’s a sign of being yet the wiser.

I do curse, a lot, of course. But I leave it all to HIM. Only HE can Say it is Fair or not. If it is, HE will Throw it back at them. If it is not here, there’s the Hereafter. Only HE Knows.