I Have The Answer

Caitlin: I’ve seen that look before.
Alicia: (sighs) This is really difficult.
Caitlin: No it’s not. No, you have the easy part. I have to stand here and listen to things that I don’t think I really want to hear.

Do know that I am not confused. I am very capable of making decisions. My decision is not a risk that I’m taking. My decision actually means that I am risk-free. My decision liberates me, I am able to smile on my own account because I have always smiled under others’.

I am clear-headed. I decided to detached because it clouds my well-being. When Roha says, “You cannot do this to yourself, you should not let yourself be treated this way. If it is not you, there is no one else taking care of you.” then I am doing just that. My well-being gets to be screwed had I not came to this decision. It is not selfish, it is clarity.

It is heartbreaking too, it can’t be denied. It brings the tears. But I do not see the tears as a mechanism that saddens me more. It’s a mechanism that flushed out the frustration and disappointment thus lessening the pain. A super-relief. I will be okay after I cry, it’s my form of medication, subscribed by HIM. If you see me so, you shouldn’t worry, because I am actually getting better. This is my own definition when it comes to tears. It’s the phase of letting go.

I am able to move on now. Nothing is holding or pulling me back. I have my appetite again. I just cooked a kick ass ayam masak merah. If I feel like eating, it means I have the appetite to simply to live. I am not depressed. If I am, I will let myself bloated. And hospitalized. Since I am very sensitive to gas.

I am very happy. Lega. Light. Free. Alhamdulillah…

I’m smiling.