—

this is my last post for this blog.

thank you to each and every one of you for those 29k visits since March 2008.

if you would like to know where i am, just Google moi. haha!

LOVE.

—

for the new friends I made

for the friends who stuck with me through thick and thin

for the bitches that backstabbed me

for the people who just walked out of my life

for the people who broke my heart

for the people who made me happy

most of all… this is for me on still being awesome, and will be awesome in 2011

source

all the places i go.

all the dresses i wore.

you and i… we‘ll be young for-e-ver!

to all the people around me who made me feel nais, nais, nais and GLAM. it all came from you.

the things i ate.

the things i shopped.

everything else that made me dropped.

means that i have partied really hard.

here’s hoping.

i would never want to revisit that time ever again. but this time, i relished it. maybe i am using it as an excuse, of not acknowledging the current pain and i am just reminiscing. it is still scary to bear through it. but the thought that the pain at the time was the greatest i have ever pulled through, it supposedly overshadows the actual pain that i am going through right now.

guess i am not making much of a sense.

i see it staring at my face, the same mistake i did, again and again. what broke the chemistry, what destroyed the magic, what swept the longing away. in a way it is something that i could not control — this is just me. if that person wants badly enough, things will be compromised. and yet i have not seen anyone doing it. for me. no one bothered/interested/stomach-ed enough to do it so. haha.

this is when i felt, it is still a long way to go. as much as i believe he’s ever nearer, it’s actually very, very far away. i just can’t get how the cosmic works. i dealt all the cards, pulled every tricks known and played each game. either i’m a fair opponent, a too aggressive member or a not favourable player. but i am never the weak one.

what if this is actually the last test, before the real one comes along? the last before the year ends? would there be any difference in the new coming chapter/year/month?

i really am phenomenal when it comes to self-endorphing. play me all the favourite songs, let it seeps in, and i really dance like no one’s watching.

those consuming alcohol chugged like… i don’t know, i just see them keep coming. and exactly like that, i keep being endorphed. endlessly. song after song. and when you have a good party with you, you’re firework. and a small party we were, but good things do come in small packages, no?

mula-mula a malu-malu crazy b*tch lea. lepas tu a very, very, very crazy b*tch.

thank you for putting me up that stage. i couldn’t stop laughing at how silly i was then. but it was hella fun.

—

despite that i broke up with the girls, there are things they said that i still carry around. shoobs knows me that i just needed someone to say hi or smile at me, then only will i actually looked friendly and approachable with the way i responded.

the girls always reminded me to stop appearing rigid and quiet. i am actually this girl who’s interesting and very, very fun to be with. start with a smile. and then just keep smiling.

when i was in the car and being sort of ‘briefed’ … there is no that heavy feeling like i used to have. it has became, it‘s whether i want it or not. i can pull this off, but it goes down only to whether i want it or not. that’s all.

and there was that very important lesson from that movie Yes Man. you only gotta say yes, no matter how automatically often you’d said no before.

then again, without the missing links — fuck it, we‘ll just go! — or having that good party, or a strong pair of hands pushing me forward, i wouldn’t really start.

but once i started…

there‘s the crazy b*tch.

it was a blast.

—

the office anniversary dinner.

they hardly see this part of me, of course. and when they did, they went —

“are you drunk? you sure you didn’t drink? did you drink when we weren’t watching?”

i was really overwhelmed. i would have stand on my toes and kiss the boss on the cheek as our photo is taken. but i chose to run around the wine rume hugging bridg, mel, and ceel. and they went, “seriously, this is Sue? what happened to you? are you okay?”

and then hugging shoobs. besides everyone else in the rume, she is the biggest mentor, the one yang aku paling banyak menyusahkan, the avid listener and when she’s boisterous, she’s full of it.

i wasn’t drinking, i was just… overwhelmed. even the boss was laughing and laughing when we talked. my guess is that he never thought he’d get this out of me.

it took me some time to discard the overwhelmation and i spaced out a bit and had to asked them to repeat what were they saying about me. -_-”)

good times, though.

totally.

you’ll be fine.

when you are being paranoid about him cheating on you, you will find yourself that eventually, the one who was cheating… is you.

you can get ahead of the game, but by subconsciously mirroring him as well. when you find yourself that you could just not control the situation, that you are so lifeless you heart hardly beats, just let it be. what’s more important is to save yourself. even though you have been ahead of him — spy works, et cetera — and beat him to it, catching him red-handed, you will still end up exhausting yourself.

and this is when you need you the most. you have no idea just how much you have exhausted yourself. you need all the energy to build back the space of what you know you have already lost — which crumbles you — even though it is not staring you in the face just yet. but we are women, we just know — we have the six hundred sixty-sixth instinct (exaggerate).

it’s a vicious cycle. i know it’s like you could never breathe again, think again, love again, find someone else better. you can’t sleep or you cried yourself to sleep. you could cry while you’re driving. you could cry just in the middle of nothing.

but let it go. it is true that you shouldn’t bitch. you shouldn’t crawl back. you should just move on. you should just let go. but during that period of doing so… i know it’s hard. like there could never be sunshine again.

but there will be.

there will be.

but you have to work hard.

for yourself.

only you.

even if you have the whole army supporting you, it never actually really starts, if it didn’t come from you first.

first.

though some people still deserve it… and it’s utterly delicious to carry it out. haha.

then again, ‘busy’ is an understatement. more to hectic.

in work, in personal life, in family and last but never the least — in cats.

are things beginning to prosper?
one can never tell — not even yours truly.

rumour has it S is in a relationship. but where art thou is the beau?

you really have to be careful of what you wish for. you want a husband, you will get it, along with other things that you do not want that comes with this package called ‘husband’. in a way, i find that my life has not changed 360 degrees, not even a full ten degrees to begin with. it’s not even a matter of too-early-to-say when things have been fast forwarded already, but it does remained to be materialized.

well… good luck, S.

he takes the pictures just like any other shots in anybody’s camera — only he executes it better, of course. there’s no pretentious. it’s exactly like his third word — you.

and so i must have him.

p/s: daniel, nak banyak gambar comolot tau.

+ + +

pelamin.

pelamin, pelamin, pelamin.

flower jungle? ohhh, i don’t know.

flowers — maybe those japanese orchids. it reminds me of casperoha. i don’t think i want lilies now, their scent is overwhelming. ohhh, i don’t know — back to dais, please.

simple? petite? elongating?

i do not want my mother’s haus to turned into Ground Zero. it will be at a hall, or a ballroom, or the masjid.

+ + +

hair. down. hair down. absolutely.

i don’t want to look back at my wedding photos and see that i looked older than while i’m flipping through ten years later.

+ + +

nooo cupcakes.

cupcakes are prohibited.

muffins or doughnuts.

use sugar efficiently, please.

+ + +

the cake.

like stanford’s and anthony’s in SATC 2.

ha ha ha.

+ + +

dancers, silat performers, whatever.

can i have a choir singing queen’s i was born to love you instead?

tapi tu buat sebagai surprise. for me. somebody kena bagitau the groom in advance, please.

+ + +

do i need to get a wedding planner?

perlu ke?

just someone to have the detailed check list, throw me the ideas and asked whether i want to do this or not, what are my other options, bla bla bla.

+ + +

bridesmaid to get balenciaga.

tahun ni memang banyak kali aku revise the list.

ade elimination, ade comeback.

and i won’t necessarily returned the favour.

+ + +

as of right now, i want a simple wedding. tak nak overwhelming.

just a nice one yang mencukupi dan selesa.

is this because i’m getting old — i am feeling old right now — tak ade energy to get crafty and creative and whatever?

+ + +

video.

kena start cari gambar-gambar sopan.

gambar beli barang-barang dapur kat giant. gambar bawak kucing pegi vet. gambar bawakkan beg laptop mama dari parking lot ke office.

nak buat ke slideshow? tak payah lah. aku private lives. very johnny depp kat france. what i have in mind is shots from favourite chic lit movies. something to enlighten, to breathe new sparks, stuffs like that.

okey, itu slideshow. ini video.

i’ll keep it in the mental storage for now.