just because
okae atau pun tak okae? mum meroyan selepas aku meroyan tak nak bangun pagi-pagi dan mandi before she left for taiping. aku kan nak tidur sehappy-happynya! aku cuba untuk muhasabah diri that this may be the last time i’d see her (nazubillahiminzalik, safe journey mum!) but i failed. aku tengok muka aku kat cermin bilik air sangat sembab dengan mata sejepun mungkin sebab nak bukak mata pun tak larat. akibatnya, aku tak boleh keluar dengan roha — mampos aku nak mengadap roha nanti.
happy birthday darling roha!
dan dalam kepala aku keep staring at the date 11 july and asked myself — this is a significant date… tapi kenapa ya? haihhh, bff yang failed. mohon ampun beribu-ribu ampun rohaaaa!!!
hmmm, anyways, i told myself something during the last tahlil i attended that i don’t have to blog about this (the tahlil). not that i am too tired or too lazy to blog, it’s just that i don’t have to blog about this just because.
i was having fun doing the tahlil, despite i was not good at it and being socially-challenged. i realized that all i have to do is smile all the time and someone would catch the friendly face i put on and held out their hands to moi. sebenarnya aku taklah berat mulut sangat. in the end aku ni memang kecoh kepoh mek joyah jugak bila dah seronok sangat disakat dan menyakat — omg, mampos aku what would JL thinks of moi? i wonder how loud i was when miss arr asked mr es, “bila lagi ni (for moi and mr es to bersanding after she keeps saying the both of us looked sedondon)?” and mr es pondered for awhile asking moi and trying to top his voice and others i told him, “you belum pun jumpa mak i lagi!” haihhh, gelabah suessy.
also, with this new company, having JL as the boss keep me rooted to the faith that i failed to cling on each second. at least attending this and participating into activities like this — even though it started as part of the duty, earning recognition, socializing with colleagues, and alike — aku akan sentiasa beringatlah dengan Qiamat dan Akhirat pokoknya. being that JL is the superboss and he is superbusy, when he has the time to socialized, he’s very warm, friendly, and attentive. just like the previous boss who asked mr el how i’m doing at the new company. i missed how my previous boss was like a father figure to me career-wise and beringat tentang Ad-din. and i thank him from the bottom of my heart for putting in good words and supporting moi all the way when JL inquired to him if it’s okay for JL’s company to hire me.
hmmm… nampaknya aku blog jugak about it.
oh yea, JL is short for james lesure. tapi bukanlah boss aku mat saleh masuk islam. he looks like james lesure. miss kay is my team member, and our boss is miss ai. miss ai is the cmo, and mr el is the ceo. both of them reports to JL.
and mr es thought i am married. or at least ade boyfriend. nevermind the at least ade boyfriend part. he is the second to have thought aku dah berlaki. dulu sazali pernah casually mentioned, “maybe orang ingat kau dah kahwin kot.” prayyy tell moi how do i gracefully accept this as a compliment (kira secara facade aku ade rupa lea kot dan mampu berkahwin — aku masih cuba untuk optimis dan terus tersenyum) and figure out celah mana yang nampak aku macam dah kahwin so that orang yang maybe target aku takkan memalapkan hajat dan niat diri sendiri untuk tackle aku. maka?
moving on…
aku tak nak tengok pride walaupun aku download jugak because aku ade intense female jealousy towards yuko takeuchi. aku tak boleh terima (pada masa itu) dia digandingkan dengan kimtaku — macam aku tak boleh terima james mcavoy dengan keira knightley dan aku sure sesangat that sexual tensions dah lama ada di antara keira dan deppster di mana akhirnya mereka akan bercium jua (refer POTC), ceh! and aku tak boleh handle lagu-lagu queen yang menjadi soundtrack official untuk dorama itu.
but then, aku tahu masa akan tiba bila akhirnya aku akan embraced juga dorama ini. dan masanya adalah sekarang — akhirnya dah habis download all episodes (^-^). observing yuko takeuchi — okaylah. aku boleh terima. she and her perfectly manicured fingernails.
and kimtaku — ohmigudnez kimtaku. gorrrrrrgeous. he was cheeky, notty nak mampos, arrogant and absolutelysimplyirresistible. rasa nak kunyah-kunyah his lips time dia senyum ruefully after he looked in the crowd searching for aki and he’s too happy when he found her but of kross lea dia cover dan senyum gitu-gitu je. huuu gorgeous.
dan lagu-lagu queen dalam dorama pride itu? bearable, 
. aku nak lagu i was born to love you dimainkan masa aku bersanding… time potong kek kot. ternyata cinta maybe jadi background lagu video akad nikah since mak aku nak kompang jugak mengumumkan ketibaan pengantin masuk dewan dan bukannya korus lagu itu (secara dramatiknya lagu mula dimainkan masa emcee umum pengantin akan masuk ke dewan dan meminta kerjasama tetamu untuk sedia menyambut and then bila pengantin first jejak je masuk dewan, confetti rama-rama — macam confetti untuk konsert coldplay performing for bbc channel during lagu lovers in japan — akan dilontarkan berlatarbelakangkan korus lagu. climax, no?). for the whole wedding video, aku nak lagu ceremony by new order, buat style sofia coppola’s marie antoinette, scene the queen’s 18th birthday… woot woot!
yeahhh, saya belum berkahwin dan masih very single. calon masih dicari. atau tunggu dia datang.
aku rasa aku okay. although aku tak tau ape akan jadi lepas ni and maybe dunia aku terbalik bila mum dapat tahu that aku deliberately tak bayar vesper’s and asb’s loan last month and the fact that i lied to her saying that i paid them — whyyy does she reads my letters from the bank? dah nak masuk 26 tahun pun kena grounded — the rules applies on those who lives in her house.
aku rasa aku okay sebab aku rasa aku okay. just because. walaupun dalam department tanggungjawab lain aku failed, tapi aku tetap lebih baik sebab aku tak give in to lust to desperately fixed what’s already broken. slate ini perlu dimaintainkan clean — aku dah banyak sangat messed up in other departments already, haihhh. it wouldn’t be fair for my future husband also. kalaulah sekali pun future husband aku itu being unfair towards moi (nauzubillah), tapi at least aku tau bukan diri aku sendiri yang being unfair to myself — in this particular department, that is.
dan aku tak nak lagi kusut kepala memikirkan macam mana nak fit in myself into his life, justifying excuses on his mere existence to my acquaintances, and fitting him as according to what my mum advises moi in getting a good man for the rest of my life. macam rara cakap, “aku mau hidup yang biasa-biasa aja”. berkahwin, punyai anak dan hidup sederhana — lelaki itu haruslah the provider yang mencukupi dan melengkapi. kemewahan itu bonus. aku rasa aku dah used up a lifetime’s worth of berkorban-adjust-apa-saja-for-him part in my life. aku dah selfish selepas pasrah. teramat letih mentally which affects everything else and i do not want to go there anymore. mum is controlling but i accept her as she is despite differences in opinions and i know that she’s always right. before everything else, she puts ahead the best for moi — walau apa pun.
i’m sorry mama!
i never meant to hurt you!
i never meant to make you cry!
but tonight give me time and i’m will cleaning out my closet set things back on track!
insya Allah
